Joke of the day

[Rick G]

[LightningBug]

Too many pages to see if these are re-runs, but they're worth repeating:

Old man sitting at the end of the bar, obviously had his share of beer, "Assholes! Assholes! Show me a lawyer and I'll show you an Asshole!". He clammered on this way for a while until finally a gentleman got up from his seat, obviously annoyed, and said, "I'm sorry, but I really take offense to what you are saying." The old man looked at him and asked,"Why, you a lawyer?" And the man replied,"No. I'm an asshole."


Two men working on a new store in the mall decided to take a break. While sitting there an old man peered in the window and knocked, "What you guys sellin' in there!?" One man looks at the other and says, "Watch this....'We're selling assholes!'" And without missing a beat, the old man replied, "Good to see business is good, you only have 2 left!"

[Kimbo]

A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old @#$^%%^^ wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy,"

I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager,"  My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?"   replied the boy, "Which team did she play for?"

[Kimbo]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus..

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

[Rick G]

Found this today, those of you in Az may not appreciate it though.

[Rick G]

Another one from facebook

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, douse him with gasoline and set him on fire and he'll be warm the rest of his life.

Yeah, my Facebook buddies are strange.

[Rick G]

Testing upload feature

[funbug]

Before we had Bob Hope, Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs
NOW WE HAVE NO HOPE,NO JOBS and NO CASH

[Mike9300]

Testing upload feature

LOL....Rick James Hey Mama

[Kimbo]

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean... and the inevitable iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

PS: iHurt!!!

[Mike9300]

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean... and the inevitable iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

PS: iHurt!!!

iLove that!
 

[Rick G]

With Xmas approaching, I thought I ought to share a drinking-driving experience with you all....you cannot be too careful..

As you well know, some among us have been known to have had the occasional social drinking experience over the years. Last night I was out for a meal and a few drinks with some friends and had a little drop of wine, a couple of glasses of beer and a nice shot to finish off. But knowing full well that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home.

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one from..,,,,,,,,

[Mike9300]

I arrived back safely and without incident which was a real surprise, since I had never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one from..,,,,,,,,

1st, that was very smart
2nd, that is dam funny........you must have some nice friends that sent you on the right bus, hell mine would have sent me the other way 

But that is because I would have sent them the other way
 

[VolksDragen]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
 
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa
 
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
 
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
 
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 
 

[Mike9300]

Nice....I like that one!

[DiRty]

I like that one...lol

[TabiCatz]

It all began with an iPhone...

March was when our son celebrated his 17th birthday, and we got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

Our daughter's birthday was in August so we got her an iPod Touch.

My wife celebrated her birthday in September so I got her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

I explained that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean... and the inevitable iNag reminder service.

I should be out of the hospital next week!!

PS: iHurt!!!

iLove that!
 

Could totally be my old school nature, but that's a womans daily jobs around a house. After I get off work, even though JOshua isn't at home right now, iClean, and make sure he's been eating (he forgets to eat cause he works so much). If he was here, I'd make him a sammich too. Women SHOULD do these things for our men. It saddens me that we don't.

[Kimbo]

Why oh why did you have to respond like that  We're either going to agree and be branded "cavemen", or disagree, and suffer comments about drinking cosmo's and thinking Oprah's the next best thing to sliced bread.

You're an enigma - a person of puzzling or contradictory character (courtesty Wiki) - and you need to be more conformist, coz we're simple men (present company aside) and don't need confusion in our lives.

 

[Mike9300]

Could totally be my old school nature, but that's a womans daily jobs around a house. After I get off work, even though JOshua isn't at home right now, iClean, and make sure he's been eating (he forgets to eat cause he works so much). If he was here, I'd make him a sammich too. Women SHOULD do these things for our men. It saddens me that we don't.

I love you  .......its so easy a caveman could do it!!!!!

Old School ROCKS......

 

[Rick G]

One of our former employees loved to play pranks on people. One of his favorites was to put up phoney craiglist ads with a really unbelievable deal and the victims phone number. Well, somebody got him back. Please feel free to text this young man about his truck for sale. the more outrageous the questions the better. One girl here asked if there was plenty of room for her to have sex with her boyfriend in the truck because in their S-10 there wasn't enough room to really move around good when you are really into it.

http://columbia.craigslist.org/cto/2762569677.html

[Rick G]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700:

$300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."

The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence."

"Done!" replies the government official.

[VolksDragen]

    Rick, you just got your 'Hundredth' Karma     

Karma: +100/-6

Don't spend them all in one day  

[Mike9300]

One of our former employees loved to play pranks on people. One of his favorites was to put up phoney craiglist ads with a really unbelievable deal and the victims phone number. Well, somebody got him back. Please feel free to text this young man about his truck for sale. the more outrageous the questions the better. One girl here asked if there was plenty of room for her to have sex with her boyfriend in the truck because in their S-10 there wasn't enough room to really move around good when you are really into it.

http://columbia.craigslist.org/cto/2762569677.html

damm i missed the fun........do it again, please pease do it again!

 

[Rick G]

it was an ad for a 2006 4WD truck with cummins diesel, 52,000 miles, 4" lift etc etc never gets used so just want to get it out of the yard $4500.00

[Mike9300]

it was an ad for a 2006 4WD truck with cummins diesel, 52,000 miles, 4" lift etc etc never gets used so just want to get it out of the yard $4500.00

nice.......I think i may do that to a friend!

Sounds like fun