Joke of the day

[VIN]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTTwcCVajAc</a>

FAKE!!

[Rick G]

Here is one I have been saving to send to Leno

[Kimbo]

A woman goes into a post office, and see a blonde yelling into an envelope, which she then licks and seals shut. The woman asks "What are you doing?", and the blonde replies "I'm sending voice mail"

[Kimbo]

A magician worked on a cruise ship.

The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, It’s not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.

Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...



"OK, I give up. Where's the f***in' ship?"

[Kimbo]

Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously.

WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY - WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOUR.

Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg.  Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and various announcements a bit more entertaining.

Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,
"People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

 
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."


On landing, the stewardess said,
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."


"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."


"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."


As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"


After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced:
"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."


From a Kulula employee:
"Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."


"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
 

"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
 

"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
 

And from the pilot during his welcome message:
"Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
 

Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landingin Cape Town, the flight attendant came on the intercom and said:
"That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
 

Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
 

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
 

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said,
"Did we land, or were we shot down?"
 

After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg, the attendant came on with:
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."
 

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
 

Heard on a Kulula flight:
"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

[Mike9300]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There  was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought, "These taser guns are well worth the money".

[Omar]

I met a girl in the park the other evening.

There  was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought, "These taser guns are well worth the money".

 

[Don]

This one made me laugh outloud

Whole Foods Parking Lot - Music Video [HD]

[Kimbo]

..

[Rick G]

 

[Kimbo]

Damn technology....

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

LOL so hard I shot coffee out of my nose!!!  Those 3D movies have come a long way.

[Don]

She just happened to be married to the one guy who believed that story?

"So honey it was a very hot New York day and I removed my clothes in the theater. If I would have known that reclining,,,,,,,"

[Kimbo]

Remembering the 60’s..
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as he welcomed Fred in. Have a seat in the living room.  Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced  tea?

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
 
Mum brought in the iced tea.
 
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
 
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
 
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
 
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
 
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!
Screw, again and again!!'
 
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
 
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
 
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
 
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink
blouse and a hooped  skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
 
She  greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.
 
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed
the front door behind  her.
 
"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The f**king dance is called the Twist!!!"

[Don]

LOL

[Mykul]

 

[Kimbo]

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London.
 
A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.
 
The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
 
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.
 
The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
 
"Waddington-Smith , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.
 
The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm.
 
"O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[VolksDragen]

Three Brunettes driving in a pick-up truck stopped for a Blond that was hitchhiking and asked for a ride, the brunettes said ok but there is no room up front you will have to ride in the truck bed, 'Ok no problem' said the blond. Down the road the driver lost control and ran the pick-up truck into a lake.
The Three brunets escaped out from the cab but unfortunately the Blond drowned because she could not get the tailgate open 

[Don]

 

[TabiCatz]

This is Don in his retirement lol Making Donny or Ben drive the Porsche to pay the car note

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

This is Don in his retirement lol Making Donny or Ben drive the Porsche to pay the car note

[Don]

It could happen

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

[Kimbo]

It could happen

Just like General Patton disappearing, eh ?

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

It could happen

Just like General Patton disappearing, eh ?

"Patton" will always be here!    Remember how he stormed the Tucson Hilton!!!  A true warrior!!!