Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist?
Do you drive a taxi or something?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers,
"It's okay boys. He's one of us."

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

   I think beer shot out of my nose!!!!   

[Kimbo]

A young lady, feeling poorly, decides to visit her GP. On arrival she is informed that her usual GP is on leave and a Chinese locum, Dr. Wong, is doing the job.

"OK", she says, "That's cool, I feel terrible!"

In due course she is ushered into the surgery and is instructed to take a seat. She sits down demurely and looks expectantly at the learned oriental gentleman opposite her.

Eventually the Dr. Wong lifts his eyes from the young lady's records and says,
"How can I help you?"

"Oh Doctor" she pleads, "I feel so terrible and look so terrible, I just had to get a professional opinion!".

"Mmmm" said Dr Wong, "could you please stand up?"

"Certainly", said the young lady.

Dr. Wong looks her up and down in a very scrutinising manner."Could you please turn around?"

The young lady slowly turns around.

"Mmmmmmmmmmm!" said Dr. Wong.

"I need you to take of all your clothes now, OK?".

So, somewhat reluctantly, the young lady disrobes and stands before the eminent Dr. Wong.

"HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!" said Dr. Wong. "Could you please get down on all fours and crawl towards me?"

So the now naked and vulnerable young lady crawls towards the very professional Dr. Wong. "Very good!", said the impeccable Dr Wong.

"Now please turn around and crawl away from me".

The young lady, now somewhat confused, obeys, turns around and crawls away, knowing full well her "person" is well and truly exposed to the inscrutable Dr. Wong!
"AHHH HAAAA!" said Dr Wong. "I know what is wrong with you!".

"The young lady says, "Please Dr. Why do I feel and look SO TERRIBLE?".

"Well my dear," said Dr. Wong, in his best English "You have, "Zaccery Disease",

"ZACCERY DISEASE!", the somewhat exasperated, lady cries.

"YES!" says Dr. Wong.

"What the hell is ZACCERY DISEASE?", the young lady asks.

Dr. Wong, pleased with his work says, "Your face looks ZACCERY like your AR$E!".

[Omar]

What's the square root of 69? Eight-something.  The end.

[Kimbo]

... took me a while, but 

[Rick G]

The best TSA story ever written, not really true, or is it?

http://trbobitch.blogspot.com/2010/11/tsa-worker-sues-flatulent-passenger.html

[Rick G]

[Rick G]

Not really a joke but it made me laugh anyay.

I was looking through applications that were dropped off today, one kid listed only one reference, and he identified her as his stepdads girlfriend. It took a minute to sink in, Mom's current husband that she replaced dad with has a girlfriend now and she is his reference.

[Rick G]

This is a joke

A redneck walks into a bar & as he steps in, he realizes it is a "gay" bar.
"What-the-hell", he thinks. "I want a drink." The bartender comes up and asks
"Whats the name of your Schlong?" the redneck says "I'm not into any of that
stuff, I just want a drink"

"I'm sorry but I can't serve you 'til you tell me the name. Mine is 'Nike' as in
'just do it' that guy there calls his 'Snickers' cause 'it really satisfies'.
Get it?" The bartender gives him a bit to think on it. The redneck asks a guy
next to him "What do you call your's?" "'Timex. It takes a licking, keeps on
ticking'." He asks another guy and is told, "'Chevy, like a rock!" He thinks for
a second and says, "Hey bartender my Schlong is named 'Secret' now get me a damn
beer!" The bartender asks "Why 'Secret'?" "Because it's 'strong enough for a man
but its made for a woman!'"

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

This is a joke

A redneck walks into a bar & as he steps in, he realizes it is a "gay" bar.
"What-the-hell", he thinks. "I want a drink." The bartender comes up and asks
"Whats the name of your Schlong?" the redneck says "I'm not into any of that
stuff, I just want a drink"

"I'm sorry but I can't serve you 'til you tell me the name. Mine is 'Nike' as in
'just do it' that guy there calls his 'Snickers' cause 'it really satisfies'.
Get it?" The bartender gives him a bit to think on it. The redneck asks a guy
next to him "What do you call your's?" "'Timex. It takes a licking, keeps on
ticking'." He asks another guy and is told, "'Chevy, like a rock!" He thinks for
a second and says, "Hey bartender my Schlong is named 'Secret' now get me a damn
beer!" The bartender asks "Why 'Secret'?" "Because it's 'strong enough for a man
but its made for a woman!'"

NICE!!!!

[Rick G]

I never get jealous when I see my ex with someone else 'cuz my parents taught me to give my used toys to the less fortunate!!

[VolksDragen]

Year-to-date statistics on the results of the more aggressive airport
> pat-down screenings from the TSA:
>
>  Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
>
> Transvestites   133
>
> Hernias    1,485
>
> Hemorrhoid Cases  3,172
>
> Incontinence   6,418
>
> Enlarged Prostates  8,249
>
> Breast Implants   59,350
>
> Natural Blonds   3

[Rick G]

Found this on facebook

[Kimbo]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was.

After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room. Then, the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
 
"What the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded. "This woman is 68 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"
 
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up he said, . . ..
 

"Does she still have the hiccups?"

[spare parts]

SCOTTISH COMPASSION
 
 A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
 
 Three women, from England, Wales, and Scotland, were walking past and
 felt sorry for the poor man.
 
 The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No,"
 so she gave him a hug and walked on.
 
 The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No,"
 so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
 
 The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
 
 
 The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".
 
 
 She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

[Rick G]

One of the greatest headlines written

http://www2.wspa.com/news/2011/mar/15/spartanburg-police-crack-found-mans-buttocks-ar-1584174/

[VolksDragen]

One of the greatest headlines written

http://www2.wspa.com/news/2011/mar/15/spartanburg-police-crack-found-mans-buttocks-ar-1584174/

Gives new meaning to "Butt crack" 

[buggyman]

 
A MUST READ... (In terms we can relate with)



Understanding Derivatives: A Primer in how we got into trouble.


Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronize her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later.

Heidi keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Consequently, Heidi's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.

He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral!!!

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINK BONDS.

These "securities" then are bundled and traded on international securities markets.

Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as "AAA Secured Bonds" really are debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb!!!, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices still are climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar. He so informs Heidi.

Heidi then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Since Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and Heidi's 11 employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINK BOND prices drop by 90%.

The collapsed bond asset value destroys the bank's liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the BOND securities.

They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multibillion dollar no-strings attached cash infusion from the government.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, nondrinkers who have never been in Heidi's bar.


Now do you understand?
 

[Rick G]

Do Not BUy This Video!!!

I just got scammed out of $25.

Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".

Turns out it's about golf.

Absolute waste of money. Pass this on so others don't get scammed

Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen
 

[Mike9300]

I Can and Will Teach You How To Make $$$$ In Just Four Second



1.Open Notepad and press "Shift button" for 2 second.
2.Now with pressing and holding shift key hit 4 four times.
3.All done you make $$$$ in just four second.


See how easy to make "$$$$

[Rick G]

"The trouble with quotes on the internet is you can never know if they are genuine" - Abraham Lincoln

[Rick G]

A large Humpback whale is lazily enjoying a beautiful day when he sees a female Humpback whale just a little ways off, and he thinks to himself that he's going to try to impress her...

He swims over to her, and breeches the surface, showing off the large hump on his back.

She looked unimpressed as she breached and showed a larger more well formed hump herself.

Now, a little embarrassed, he tries again to impress her by taking a breath and blowing a huge cloud of mist and water with a really nice rainbow in it.

Once again she looked unimpressed and she blew a larger cloud of mist, with a more beautiful rainbow.

Now clearly agitated, the Male sees a Navel vessel in the distance and races off toward it. Just before he collides with the ship, he dives, jumps out of the water and as he sails over the bow of the ship, he plucks a sailor off the deck and in one gulp swallows him whole!

He swam back to her very proud of himself, only to find the female object of his attentions with a disgusted look on her face...

As she swam off she said..."I'll Hump, I'll Blow, BUT I WON'T SWALLOW SEAMEN!

[Rick G]

 In a barber shop, a little girl is eating a snack cake while standing next to her daddy, who is sitting in the barber chair getting a haircut. The barber looks down with a concerned expression and says, "Little girl, you'll get hair on your Twinkie." The little girl looks up and says, "Yeah, and I'm gonna get boobs, too!"

[VIN]

 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

A dad walks into his son's room and says... "If you keep doing that, you'll go blind!"
His son says..."I'm over here dad!!"