Joke of the day

[VIN]

a guy walks into a bar.....ouch.

[TabiCatz]

Here's one that happened personally to me. Well, sorta. I get a text message the other day with 'babe, what's my address'. Not what MY address is, what their address is... It cracked me up!

[Kimbo]

Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning..
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..

So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low  and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go !'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We ?'

I responded,  'I guess not. What do you have in mind ?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner..'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.




And I just sat there....

On the couch....

Naked.

[Mike9300]

ROTFLMAO 

[Rick G]

Look closely and try to find 3 differences between the two pics

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/Zoeken.swf

[Kimbo]

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers .

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

'What on earth are you doing Mick?' says Paddy

 'Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin' bejasus out of me'  says an obviously embarrassed Mick, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.'

[Neil]

 

[VolksDragen]

Here's one that happened personally to me. Well, sorta. I get a text message the other day with 'babe, what's my address'. Not what MY address is, what their address is... It cracked me up!

Maybe they were drunk and couldn't remember where they lived  

[TabiCatz]

Here's one that happened personally to me. Well, sorta. I get a text message the other day with 'babe, what's my address'. Not what MY address is, what their address is... It cracked me up!

Maybe they were drunk and couldn't remember where they lived  

Nope, they were at work. It was my boyfriend. He hates where he lives, and I do all his finances, so he forgets it all the time. lol. He mainly forgot the zip code... Still funny though.

[VolksDragen]

Blond joke...

A blond and her husband were getting ready to go to sleep, when the neighbors dog starts barking and will not stop, out of frustration the wife gets out of bed and says 'I'm going to take care of this' and goes outside, she comes back in a couple minutes later and back into bed, the husband puzzled because the neighbors dog is still barking.
The husband says to her 'What did you do outside, the dog is still barking'?
Her reply... "I put their dog in our backyard, Let's see how they like it"

[Kimbo]

No explanations necessary...

[Rick G]

Not really a joke, but funny just the same.
One of the girls that works for us knows almost everything, you can tell because she jumps into almost every conversation and dominates it. She is also gullible and believes incredibly stupid stuff if you tell her in a way that makes sense. So anyways..... we were taking about my bug and she asked why they put the motor in the rear. Sometimes you just get lucky and think of the perfect thing to say at the right time. I told her "Well you know, Hitler was involved the initial design of the car and kept overall control of the development. He knew he was taking Germany to war so he told the Porsche people to put the engine in the rear. His reasoning was that when you want to stop a car you shoot the engine. He figured with the engine in the rear, their enemies would be shooting at the front and doing basically no damage." . An hour later she was outside having a cigarette and talking to the girls from the tanning place next to us and I heard her explain why the engine is in the rear of my car.

[TabiCatz]

Not really a joke, but funny just the same.
One of the girls that works for us knows almost everything, you can tell because she jumps into almost every conversation and dominates it. She is also gullible and believes incredibly stupid stuff if you tell her in a way that makes sense. So anyways..... we were taking about my bug and she asked why they put the motor in the rear. Sometimes you just get lucky and think of the perfect thing to say at the right time. I told her "Well you know, Hitler was involved the initial design of the car and kept overall control of the development. He knew he was taking Germany to war so he told the Porsche people to put the engine in the rear. His reasoning was that when you want to stop a car you shoot the engine. He figured with the engine in the rear, their enemies would be shooting at the front and doing basically no damage." . An hour later she was outside having a cigarette and talking to the girls from the tanning place next to us and I heard her explain why the engine is in the rear of my car.

I actually thought that was one of the reasonings he did put it in the back of the car. Or at least one that he thought would help... LOL But what do I know?

[VolksDragen]

 

[moke]

not sure if this one is already on here...three ducks and have to go to court, so the first duck goes to the judge and the judge says state your name and why your here, duck says my name is whack i got caught blowing bubbles in the pond, judge says ok i sentence you to 6 months hard labor, next duck comes up, judge says state ur name an why ur here, duck says my name is whack whack i got caught blowing bubbles in the pond, judge says ok same sentence as the first duck, next duck comes in judge says dont tell me ur name is whack whack whack, duck says no im bubbles!

[Rick G]

Obviosly it is not weighted by the quality of advice.

[TabiCatz]

Hey! Where am I in the graph? Does that mean I'm not helpful at ALL? 

[VolksDragen]

I know I know, just the pie isn't big enough or weighted right for everyone, just makin'  a funny on me and my 2 pennies worth here.

[TabiCatz]

I'm hurt! Not really though. I'm the girl, I just sit here and look pretty. I know the drill. Don't talk, just sit there and smile. If I'm talked to, let a man answer for me, as I'll say something wrong and make them mad. Got it. Yep.

Not like I've ever been told that before or anything...

[Kimbo]

I'm hurt! Not really though. I'm the girl, I just sit here and look pretty. I know the drill. Don't talk, just sit there and smile. If I'm talked to, let a man answer for me, as I'll say something wrong and make them mad. Got it. Yep.

Not like I've ever been told that before or anything...

Now THAT'S the funniest thing I've heard for along time !!!

[VIN]

I'm hurt! Not really though. I'm the girl, I just sit here and look pretty. I know the drill. Don't talk, just sit there and smile. If I'm talked to, let a man answer for me, as I'll say something wrong and make them mad. Got it. Yep.

Not like I've ever been told that before or anything...

shouldnt you be in the kitchen!?

[VolksDragen]

I'm hurt! Not really though. I'm the girl, I just sit here and look pretty. I know the drill. Don't talk, just sit there and smile. If I'm talked to, let a man answer for me, as I'll say something wrong and make them mad. Got it. Yep.

Not like I've ever been told that before or anything...

shouldnt you be in the kitchen!?

Owwww 

[Rick G]

I'm hurt! Not really though. I'm the girl, I just sit here and look pretty. I know the drill. Don't talk, just sit there and smile. If I'm talked to, let a man answer for me, as I'll say something wrong and make them mad. Got it. Yep.

Not like I've ever been told that before or anything...

shouldnt you be in the kitchen!?

And why are you wearin shoes?

[VolksDragen]

A fish swims into a concrete wall.... Dam

[TabiCatz]

I'm not wearing shoes I'm at my computer desk at home, barefoot, checking email and the forums.... lol