Joke of the day

[Don]

That is funny.

[Kimbo]

Questions you can;t answer:

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?                                           
                                                                           
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?                                                                     
                                                                           
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?                                                               
                                                                           
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
                                                                           
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,   
but check when you say the paint is wet?                                   
                                                                           
Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?                       
                                                                           
What is the speed of darkness?                                             
                                                                           
Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up     
every two hours?                                                           
                                                                           
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for 'normal' people at the     
Special Olympics?                                                         
                                                                           
If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as     
cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?                                       
                                                                           
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem       
longer?                                                                   
                                                                           
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a 
good idea to put wheels on luggage?                                       
                                                                           
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars
to look at things on the ground?                                           
                                                                           
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze   
these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?'             
                                                                           
Who was the first person to say, 'See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat 
the next thing that comes outta it's bum.'                                 
                                                                           
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to
a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?                   
                                                                           
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?                 
                                                                           
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't     
point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?                   
                                                                           
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get     
undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?                       
                                                                           
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?                                 
                                                                           
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, 
then what is baby oil made from?                                           
                                                                           
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?       

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?                 
                                                                           
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at     
you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the       
window?                                                                   
                                                                       

[Kimbo]

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing...

Anyway... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother.

He begs her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads. I am tired of being so visible to predators and such."

The fairy godmother whips out her magic wand and says "Abracapokus! You're brown!"                                                                 

The toad looks down and sees that he is brown except for his package, which is still yellow. He says to the fairy godmother:  "Wait a minute!  My pecker's still yellow!"

To this the fairy godmother replies: "I don't do johnsons. You will have to go to see The Wizard of Oz for that."

The toad thanks her and hops off on his way.

There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother. He implores her: "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other bears. None of the lady bears want to be seen with me on account of the hunters can spot me from a mile off."                                               

She, being a nice fairy godmother, takes out her magic wand and says:
"Pokuscadabra! You're brown!"

The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown with the exception of the ole twig and berries, they remain purple.

He says: "My Wang is still purple!"

She says: "I don't do units, you will have to go see The Wizard of Oz for that.."                                                                   
 
To this the bear replies: "Well that's just dandy, but how the hell do I find The Wizard of Oz?"                                                     

The fairy godmother answers: "That's easy
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.... Just follow the yellow pr*ck toad!"

[Dilligaf]

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. Thatwill bring on a 'whatever'.

( Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

 

 

 

[TabiCatz]

*Loud SIgh* This is very true. And I mean on the nose true! Hehe

(1) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
 
(2) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

(4) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
 
(5) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)
 
(6) That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
 
(7) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you're welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says 'Thanks a lot' - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say 'you're welcome' .. Thatwill bring on a 'whatever'.

( Whatever : Is a woman's way of saying F-- YOU!

(9) Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to # 3.

 

* Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can avoid if they remember the terminology.

* Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true!!!

 

 

 

[Rick G]

An old Navy joke in honor of Veterans day.

A submarine had pulled into port and the crew were out partying. A petty officer was reliving himself in the mens room when a young ensign walk in. As the enlisted man was leaving the ensign commented " At Officer Candidate School they taught us to always wash our hands after using the head." to which the enlsited man replied "In boot camp they taught us to not piss on our hands"

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

An old Navy joke in honor of Veterans day.

A submarine had pulled into port and the crew were out partying. A petty officer was reliving himself in the mens room when a young ensign walk in. As the enlisted man was leaving the ensign commented " At Officer Candidate School they taught us to always wash our hands after using the head." to which the enlsited man replied "In boot camp they taught us to not piss on our hands"

   We have the Army/AF version of that one, but still good!!

[Dilligaf]

A wealthy woman was being shown around the hospital.  During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating  furiously.

    'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! ........ Why is  he doing that?'

 

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained,

    "I'm very  sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious  condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain  and his testicles could easily rupture."

    ''Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying  in bed while a nurse performed oral $ex on him. Again, the woman screamed,

    "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly,

    "Same illness, better health plan."

[67Sedan]

I need that health plan 

[Rick G]

The prez made the news again

Obama's Home Teleprompter Malfunctions During Family Dinner

[Don]

I just watched that one this morning.
Rick, did you see the one about the new stop smoking campaign for teenagers?

[Dilligaf]

Is Sex work?

A U.S. Navy captain was about to start the morning briefing to his
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing,
the captain decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and
he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work"
and how much of it was "pleasure?"

A commander chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work.

A lieutenant said it was 50-50%.

An ensign responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure,
depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the captain turned to the seaman
who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS
opinion?

Without any hesitation, the young seaman responded, "Sir, it has to be
100% pleasure.."

The captain was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?

"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me
doing it for them.."

The room fell silent.

God bless the enlisted man

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

LOVE IT!!!!! 

[Rick G]

Whats the difference between an SUV and a golf ball? Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball.

Yeah I know everybody heard it but its still funny.

[Rick G]

This is good for a quick laugh


Tiger Woods Wife Outrun

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

This is good for a quick laugh


Tiger Woods Wife Outrun

That came out fast!!   

[Rick G]

This is good for a quick laugh


Tiger Woods Wife Outrun

That came out fast!!   

That's what she said

[Dilligaf]

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
 
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor.
 
He said "How bad is it doc?...I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin".
 
The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight.
It should be okay next week."
 
He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together;
an impressive work of art.
 
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries her, and goes on their honeymoon.
That night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to
reveal her beautiful breasts.
 
She says, "You're the first;
no one has EVER touched these."
 
He immediately drops his pants and replies…

 
Look at this,...still in the CRATE!"

[Kimbo]

 

[Dilligaf]

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'

Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.
'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

"BOB, wake up. You've $hit in the bed".

 

[Rick G]

Once again the citizens of my great state has distinguished themselves in the news.

http://www.wistv.com/Global/story.asp?S=11647521

He could of at least been hot.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Once again the citizens of my great state has distinguished themselves in the news.



He could of at least been hot.

So you judge men's "hottness" now??   

Had to... you left it out there!! 

[Kimbo]

So you judge men's "hottness" now??   

Mmm, now is that a rhetorical WTF type of question, or a request for assessment ? 

[TabiCatz]

Once again the citizens of my great state has distinguished themselves in the news.



He could of at least been hot.

So you judge men's "hottness" now??   

Had to... you left it out there!! 

I have to agree, he isn't all that good looking. I wouldn't have given him beer... Or anything for that matter. LOL

[Rick G]

 This showed up in my email:

 
“Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations.  The bad news is that I had to take him down after two days.  I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever.  Great stories.  But two things made me take it down.
 
First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.
 
Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn’t realize that it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy).  By the way, she was one of the many people who attempted to do that.  My yard couldn’t take it either.  I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard.”