Joke of the day

[Don]

LMFAO!!!   

Ditto

[Dilligaf]

Susie was waiting at the bus stop.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, the lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

 

[VolksDragen]

Hey I posted the same Blond joke a couple of months ago, nobody thought it was funny then 

[Rick G]

Hey I posted the same Blond joke a couple of months ago, nobody thought it was funny then 

Some people just can't tell a joke

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Hey I posted the same Blond joke a couple of months ago, nobody thought it was funny then 

Some people just can't tell a joke

[VIN]

Hey I posted the same Blond joke a couple of months ago, nobody thought it was funny then 

i dont remember it

[VolksDragen]

Hey I posted the same Blond joke a couple of months ago, nobody thought it was funny then 

i dont remember it

The Blond and the alligator shoes..

[VolksDragen]

WHERE TO RETIRE
 
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where.....
1.   You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2.   You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3.   You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4.   You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5.   You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6.   The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING  ME??!!
 
 
You can retire to California where...
1.   You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a  house.
2.   The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3.   You know how to eat an artichoke.
4.   You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5.   When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6.   The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
 
 
You can retire to New York City where....
1.   You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan....
2.   You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a  map.
3.   You think Central Park is "nature."
4.   You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5.   You've worn out a car horn. ( ed note: if you have a car)
6.   You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
 
 
You can retire to Minnesota where...
1.   You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2.   Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3.   You have more than one recipe for moose.
4.   Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5.   The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
 
 
You can retire to the Deep South where...
1.   You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2.   "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3.   "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4.   Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue,  Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5.   Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder." It's important to know the difference, too..
 
 
You can retire to Colorado where....
1.   You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car
2.   You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3.   A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4.   The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
 
 
You can retire to the Midwest where...
1.   You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2.   Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3.   You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4.   You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at? "
5.    When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It       was different!"
 
 
AND You can retire to  Florida where..
1.   You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2.   All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses       and  cars.
3.   Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4.   Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5.   Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Love the Colorado, Arizona, and Florida ones.... I spent most of my life in CO, stationed in AZ 4 years, and now live in FL.   

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

This is a bit long, but read it.  This should qualify for "Joke of the Century"!!!







Shall we call it math 101 or Math for Suckers, I mean, idiots?
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT?


If you traded in a clunker worth $3500, you get $4500 off for an apparent "savings" of $1000.

However, you have to pay taxes on the $4500 come April 15th (something that no auto dealer will tell you). If you are in the 15% tax bracket, you will pay $675 on that $4500.

So, rather than save $1000, you actually saved $325. In addition, you traded in a car that was most likely paid for. Now you have 4 or 5 years of payments on a car that you did not need, that was costing you less to run than the payments that you will now be making.

But wait, it gets even better: you also got ripped off by the dealer.

For example, every dealer in LA was selling the Ford Focus with all the goodies including A/C, auto transmission, power windows, etc for $12,500 the month before the "cash for clunkers" program started.

When "cash for clunkers" came along, they stopped discounting them and instead sold them at the list price of $15,500. So, you paid $3000 more than you would have the month before. (Honda, Toyota and Kia played the same list price game that Ford and Chevy did).

So lets do the final tally here:

You traded in a car worth: $3500
You got a discount of: -$4500
---------
Net so far +$1000

But you have to pay: -$675 in taxes (on the $4500)
--------
Net so far: +$325

And you paid: $3000 more for the car than it was selling for the month before
----------
Net -$2775

We could also add in the additional taxes (sales tax, state tax, etc.) on the
extra $3000 that you paid for the car, along with the 5 years of interest on
the car loan but lets just stop here.

So who actually made out on the deal? The feds collected taxes on the car
along with taxes on the $4500 they "gave" you. The car dealers made an extra
$3000 or more on every car they sold along with the kickbacks from the
manufacturers and the loan companies. The manufacturers got to dump lots of
cars they could not give away the month before. And the poor stupid consumer
got saddled with even more debt that they cannot afford.


“Robin Hood”and his band of merry men in DC convinced Joe consumer that he was getting
$4500 in "free" money from the "government" when in fact Joe was giving away
his $3500 car and paying an additional $2775 for the privilege.

[Kimbo]

Re. the blonde and the gator shoes, sorry Volks D, didn't mean to upstage you - however, as any comedian will tell you, it's all in the delivery, obviously my typing was better than yours LOL.

Kimbo

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Re. the blonde and the gator shoes, sorry Volks D, didn't mean to upstage you - however, as any comedian will tell you, it's all in the delivery, obviously my typing was better than yours LOL.

Kimbo

Think it was Kimbo!!  Delivery  and timing are the keys to all great jokes.   

[Kimbo]

Rob, as no doubt other people have said many times before, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is !!

[Kimbo]

Think it was Kimbo!!  Delivery  and timing are the keys to all great jokes.   

LOL, my wife thinks my delivery and timing are a great joke, but I'm not sure she's talking about the same thing ??

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Think it was Kimbo!!  Delivery  and timing are the keys to all great jokes.  

LOL, my wife thinks my delivery and timing are a great joke, but I'm not sure she's talking about the same thing ??

I feel your pain!!  

[VolksDragen]

Re. the blonde and the gator shoes, sorry Volks D, didn't mean to upstage you - however, as any comedian will tell you, it's all in the delivery, obviously my typing was better than yours LOL.

Kimbo

No problem Kimbo, Just hav'n fun here, Keep em coming.

Talon; the 'Cash for suckers' that's scary, I'm glad i did not buy a new car, It goes to prove there is no 'Free lunch'  
We just bought a house and we are getting our 'stimulus' for that and though its going to help us considerably, I kinda feel bad Because Its our tax payers money.  I think Obama's word 'stimulus' is just a new flavor of Frosting  

[Kimbo]

Here's couple for you:

[VIN]

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried the old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

[VolksDragen]

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried the old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

I feel for you Talon   

[VolksDragen]

What Obama throws like a GIRL?   

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried the old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

I feel for you Talon   

I ment to add... "this is for all of us married men here"

[Don]

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried the old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

For some reason Cheryl laughed at this.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried the old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door. After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

For some reason Cheryl laughed at this.

So did Kelly, then I had a flashback of the last 20 years... I cried!!