Joke of the day

[Don]

[Rick G]

Nice!!! I'm going to send that to my brother. He has squirrels around all the time and it even looks like his porch

[TabiCatz]

Poor Mr. Squirrel! I just hope he didn't fly through a neighbor's window. That would be a story to tell...

[VolksDragen]

Hope the bunny(squirrel)huggers don't see that clip, I can see that home owner getting 10 to life for his rodent control evacuation procedures

And I always wondered how 'Flying Squirrels' got airborne without wings 

[Dilligaf]

Hot off the wire from rural Elk Grove, California:

 

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass, OR.  There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract.  She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.  As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.  In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got several splinters in her crotch.

 

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor.  She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.  The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.  She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.  The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" 

 

He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area.

 

 I'm sorry, but they turned me down."
 

 
 

[VolksDragen]

Treehugger hunting season -
 Since the 'treehuggers' are overpopulating the country at an alarming rate, which are not an 'Indigenous' species to the North Americas. The results of this creature introduced to such an environment as history shows can cause a major disruption of the natural flow of life, As in similar past over populations the only 'fix' is to open hunting seasons for such to put populations back in small numbers to avoid causing extinction of other natural life.

*Call today to reserve your 'treehugger' tag, only 2 tags will be issued per hunter*
1-800-incheck

[Dilligaf]

 The  Human Body!







          It  takes your food seven seconds to get from your  mouth to your
stomach.

        One  human hair can support 3kg (6.6  lb).

        The average  man's Schlong is three times the length of his  thumb.

        Human  thighbones are stronger than  concrete.

        A woman's  heart beats faster than a  man's.

        There are  about one  trillion bacteria on each  of your feet.

        Women blink  twice as often as  men.

        The average  person's skin weighs twice as much as the  brain.

        Your body  uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are
standing  still.

        If saliva  cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste  it.

        Women reading this will  be finished now.

        Men are still busy  checking their  thumbs.

[lemorris]

[Rick G]

A really bad date

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2009/09/16/2009-09-16_kansas_couple_robbed_at_knifepoint_while_having_sex_in_dumpster.html

[Don]

A really bad date

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2009/09/16/2009-09-16_kansas_couple_robbed_at_knifepoint_while_having_sex_in_dumpster.html

Rick
Glad you got your shoes back.

[VIN]

 

heard about that this morning on the brady report.

[Rick G]

A really bad date

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2009/09/16/2009-09-16_kansas_couple_robbed_at_knifepoint_while_having_sex_in_dumpster.html

Rick
Glad you got your shoes back.

It wasn't me, I'm 49 It's a shame what couple have to go through nowadays since they took out all the phone booths.

[Don]

Cheryl and I are going to have to find a new place to do the nasty.

[VolksDragen]

This is great, Official instructions I found on the web for "Dumpster Diving"

 WarningsNever try to access a dumpster or other trash that is fenced in or that has “no trespassing" signs posted nearby.
Always wear moderately thick gloves so that you do not cut your hands or prick them with used needles.
Never take documents containing personal information and / or use such information for illegal purposes.
Do not escalate confrontations. If someone asks you to leave, do so, even if you know your activity to be perfectly legal.
Do not enter a dumpster when garbage trucks are in the area; if a truck approaches, get out of the dumpster immediately.
Beware of dumpster lids slamming down on you because of wind or gravity.
Know how to tell when canned products have spoiled, they may contain botulism toxin. Botulism is a foodborne illness which can be fatal.
Clean up after you’re done. Take a good shower to wash dirt and germs off.
Consider keeping your tetanus immunization shots up to date in case you get cut. Tetanus is rare, but it can be fatal!
Never enter a dumpster that is equipped with a compactor.
"Dumpster Diving" is illegal in the United Kingdom and is classed as theft. Property which is put in a bin remains the property of the person who owned it until the council (or other body) collect it. After it has been collected, it becomes the property of that body. People have been prosecuted over this. If you wish to do this you should seek the permission of the legal owner to take any item.
For open topped industrial dumpsters, do not lean over the edges of the bin - you can crack ribs this way.
Be careful, you don't want to stick your hand into a needle.
Do NOT collect beds, this can contain bedbugs, and it's hard to get rid of them.
Once again, beware of the AIDS.
Do not actually dive into the dumpster, it is a hypothetical term. You should bring a ladder and slowly ease into the dumpster.



[edit] Things You'll NeedComfortable, sturdy clothes you don't mind getting dirty
Cheap pants with leather or denim patches sewn over the knees for added protection
Strong, fully-enclosed shoes or boots
Gloves
Milk crate or stool
Plastic bags
A stick or grabbing device for poking about
Flashlight
First aid kit
Helmet
Hand Sanitizer
Tweezers
Metal Fork

[VIN]

im gonna have to print that list out, so i can take it to walmart with me.

[Rick G]

I honestly once found a man in our dumpster one day drinking a beer. He parked his car by the building and climbed into the dumpster. He had his daughter in the car and said he "didn't want her to see him drinking". I guess it was ok to see daddy climb into a trash recepticle though.

[Dilligaf]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for each of
them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy,
beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were told that
anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained
 because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She
 proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until
 she got to the final priest, Carlo. Poor Carlo.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering
 across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .
Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent
 over to pick it up...And all the other bells started to ring.

[VIN]

 


http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece

[VolksDragen]

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece

I wonder what the ENQUIRER says about that one?

[Rick G]

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece

I wonder what the ENQUIRER says about that one?

First response is to feel sorry for the guy, but then I realized his girlfriend is the one who got the short end of the stick.

[VIN]

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2172612.ece

I wonder what the ENQUIRER says about that one?

First response is to feel sorry for the guy, but then I realized his girlfriend is the one who got the short end of the stick.

rick your killing me!

[Dilligaf]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll,
she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most
beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front
of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them.
My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try
doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if
it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman,
"By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied,
"but my cucumbers are enormous."

[VolksDragen]

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail!

I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

The economy is so bad if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

The economy is so bad parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

The economy is so bad a truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico ...
 
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
 
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

The economy is so bad Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

[Kimbo]

A young blonde woman was driving through Southern Louisiana while on Vacation.

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"

The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.

Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.

The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

LMFAO!!!