Joke of the day

[Rick G]

I remember this one going around in the eighties when I was in the USN. We did not have e-mail then, we had to actually photocopy them and pass around.


Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T)
 
In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from
employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through
our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying
to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.
If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job,
please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take
D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING
(E.A.T.S.H.I.T.).

Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don’t
have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.
If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others.
We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.).

Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can
apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL,
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

[Rick G]

This ad would never fly today

[VIN]

^^thats good..


President Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the
 classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and
 their meanings. The teacher asked the president if he would like to
 lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'? So our illustrious president
 asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
 
One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a
 farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills
 him, that would be a tragedy?'
 
'No,' said Obama, 'that would be an accident.'
 
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying 50 children
 drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'
 'I'm afraid not,' explained Obama. 'That's what we would call great
 loss.'
 
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Obama searched the
 room 'Isn't there someone here who can give
 me an example of a tragedy?'
 
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a
 quiet voice he said: 'If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was
 struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would
 be a tragedy.'
 
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Obama. 'That's right. And can you tell me why
 that would be tragedy?'
 
'Well,' says the boy, 'It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
 wouldn't be a great loss... and it probably wouldn't be an accident
 either.

[Kimbo]

LOL - and what's so brilliant about that type of humour is that you can replace "Obama" with any politician's name and the joke is still there - totally independent of age, race, sex, colour etc., so there's no "-ist"  factor to consider - the only dependence is politics, which is always fair game in the free world !!

Kimbo

[Rick G]

Subject: On Vacation?


What to do when you're sitting next to an annoying passenger on a plane?

1-Take your laptop out of your briefcase

2-Open the laptop slowly and calmly;

3-Switch it on;

4-Make sure the passenger is looking at it;

5-Get on to the internet;

6-Close your eyes for a moment, open them again and look up to the sky;

7-Breath in deeply and open this site:

http://www.myit-media.de/the_end.html
 

 
 


Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves...They will never cease to be amused

[Don]

I think the person next to you would $hit.

[VIN]

^^X2

[Dilligaf]

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these       
  blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid.  So, she       
  decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.               
                                                                           
  While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint 
  a couple of rooms in the house.  The next day, right after her husband   
  leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.                       
                                                                           
  Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of     
  paint.  He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the     
  floor in a pool of sweat.  He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka   
  and a leather jacket at the same time.  He goes over and asks her if she 
  if OK.  She replies yes.  He asks what she is doing and she replies that 
  she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she   
  wanted to do it by painting the house.                                   
                                                                           
  He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket.  She       
  replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it       
  said....                                                                 
                                                                           
  You'll love this...                                                       
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                                           
                                                 
                                                                           
                                                                       
                                                                           
                                               
  "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS."                                     
                                                                           




 
 

[VIN]

.

[Kimbo]

.. a couple of funnies

[VolksDragen]

Hey at least the car with the headlight repair is DOT compliant, It has both low beam and high beams installed

[VolksDragen]

 A funny Obama motto: "A penny saved is a penny taxed."

Another funny Obama motto: "If at first you don't succeed, change the rules."

When Obama and tax collectors meet, they wink at each other.

Under an Obama presidency the IRS will be more diligent about detecting red flags, like leftover money in your bank account after you pay your taxes.

Obama says we should be proud to pay more taxes, but the funny thing is that most of us could be just as proud for half the money.

Have you ever noticed how Obama thinks nothing is impossible as long as somebody else has to pay for it?

There's nothing wrong with the people who voted for Obama that becoming taxpayers won't cure.

[Don]

I got this e-mail today.
It might be .

Hello  dear,
I saw your profile  in this site and it interests me, so i will like us to become friends and know each other the more. I am waiting for your reply now!
Yours forever,
Eryn

[Rick G]

Does she realice that the photo in your profile is not you?

[Don]

Does she realice that the photo in your profile is not you?

Probably not.



Cheryl told me she picked me up a few things at Target.
Kind of a theme.

[Kimbo]

LMFAO - now that's a shopping list !! She's definitely trying to tell you something, although you were buying them.... for her ??

And I think you're photo's interesting as well

Kimbo

[Don]

I guess I stink and I clog things.

[VolksDragen]

  You must have a lot of body 'Fur' 

[VolksDragen]

A blonde and her husband are lying in bed
Listening to the next door neighbor's dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says,
"I've had enough of this".
She goes downstairs.

The blonde finally comes back up to bed
And her husband says "The dog is still barking,
What have you been doing?"

The blonde says,
"I put the dog in our backyard,
let's see how THEY like it!

[Don]

You must have a lot of body 'Fur' 

Thats Joe.

[Rick G]

 Touch, Feel for free??? This ad gets attention

[Rick G]

Living in the south sometimes has it's own rewards

[Don]

.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

LMAO!!!

[Dilligaf]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE QUESTION......?

WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”

HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”

WIFE: “Why not? Don't you like being married?”

HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”

WIFE: “Then why wouldn't you remarry?”

HUSBAND: “Okay, okay, I'd get married again.”

WIFE: “You would?” (with a hurt look)?

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)?

WIFE: “Would you live in our house?”

HUSBAND: “Sure, it's a great house.”

WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”

HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”

WIFE: “Would you let her drive my car?”

HUSBAND: “Probably, it is almost new.”

WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”

HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”

WIFE: “Would you give her my jewelry?”

HUSBAND: “No, I'm sure she'd want her own.”

WIFE: “Would you take her golfing with you?”

HUSBAND: “Yes, those are always good times.”

WIFE: “Would she use my clubs?”

HUSBAND: “No, she's left-handed.”

WIFE: ----- silence ------?

HUSBAND: “$hit!”