Joke of the day

[buggyman]

 

Hmmm,

The Naked Refrigerator Guy


Three men approached the gate to heaven and as
there was only one opening left, the gatekeeper said
that whoever had the most remarkable and worthy death could enter.
He asked the first man how he died, and the man replied,

'Imagine this -- I suspected my wife was having an affair
behind my back and I wanted to find out the truth.
I came home from work one day to surprise her and catch her in the act.
When I searched the house I found her in the bathroom.
The mirror was fogged and she had a towel on but her hair
wasn't wet, so I knew she wasn't taking a shower.
I looked all around the house to find the guy.
I found ten fingers hanging onto the window sill outside.
I pounded them until he finally let go.
When he fell he landed in some bushes and
God must have loved him because he lived, so I threw the
refrigerator out the window to finish him off.
After all the excitement I fell dead of a heart attack.'

Then the gatekeeper asked the second man how he died. He replied,

'Imagine this -- I'm minding my own business on top of my
apartment building. I was riding one of those stationary
bicycles when the screws gave out and I flew off the side.
I reached out and caught a window sill, then some idiot
started pounding on my fingertips. When I fell I landed
in some bushes and God must have loved me because I lived.
But then that same idiot threw his
refrigerator out the window and it crushed me.'

'That, too, is horrible,' said the gate keeper.
Then he asked the third man the same question.

His reply was, 'OK, imagine this, I'm naked in a refrigerator...'
 

[VIN]

11 Most Expensive Catastrophes in History


# 11. Titanic - $150 Million

# 10. Tanker Truck vs Bridge - $358 Million
On August 26, 2004, a car collided with a tanker truck containing 32,000 liters of fuel on the Wiehltal Bridge in Germany . The tanker crashed through the guardrail and fell 90 feet off the A4 Autobahn resulting in a huge explosion and fire which destroyed the load-bearing ability of the bridge. Temporary repairs cost $40 million and the cost to replace the bridge is estimated at $318 Million.

# 9. MetroLink Crash - $500 Million

#8. B-2 Bomber Crash - $1.4 Billion

# 7. Exxon Valdez - $2.5 Billion
The Exxon Valdez oil spill was not a large one in relation to the world ' s biggest oil spills, but it was a costly one due to the remote location of Prince William Sound (accessible only by helicopter and boat). On March 24, 1989, 10.8 million gallons of oil was spilled when the ship ' s master, Joseph Hazelwood, left the controls and the ship crashed into a Reef. The cleanup cost Exxon $2.5 billion.

# 6. Piper Alpha Oil Rig - $3.4 Billion

# 5. Challenger Explosion - $5.5 Billion

# 4. Prestige Oil Spill - $12 Billion

# 3. Space Shuttle Columbia - $13 Billion

# 2. Chernobyl - $200 Billion

 # 1. 2008 Presidential Election- $800 Billion in the first two months………..

[VolksDragen]

[DEAR MR. OBAMA;

I WILL KEEP MY MONEY, AND MY GUNS.  YOU CAN KEEP THE "CHANGE".]
/\
 l           

You got that right Vin!   Like your 'quote' says

[Don]

Mike was going to be married to Karen so his Father sat him down for a little chat.

He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite. I took off my pants, handed them to your Mother, and said, “Here, try these on.”

She did and said, “These are too big. I can’t wear  them.”

I replied, “Exactly.. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.”  “Ever since that night, we have never had any  problems.”

“Hmmm,” said Mike.

He thought that might be a good thing to try.

On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, “Here, try these on…”

She tried them on and said, “These are too large.  They don’t fit me.”

Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. I don’t want you to ever forget that.”

Then Karen took off her panties and handed them to  Mike.

She said, “Here, you try on mine.”

Mike did and said, “I can’t get into your panties.”

Karen said, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart-a$$ attitude, you never will.”

[Kimbo]

The caption says it all....

[Rick G]

Not really a joke, but funny, at least to me. You hear people say "That went over about as well as a fart in church" Welllll I never heard a fart in church .... until yesterday. We had in laws with us so a total of nine people. Suddenly we heard the sound of bodily gasses being discharge from somewhere 2 or 3 rows back.
I was very proud of my kids. 20 and 16 year old boys. I was seated behind them, they struggled not to laugh and held it in nicely. That was a good thing because if they had laughed I would have lost it too. Fortunately the aroma was not as pervasive as the sound. No I have experience a fart in church and it did not really cause a fuss.

[Don]

That is funny.
I hate it when others laugh first, then I laugh.

My youngest boy and I were being helped by this total freak of nature at Target, Benjamin started to walk away holding his gut and I could here him laughing.

I had to do the fake coughing routine.

[Dilligaf]

They have finally posted the official cause of death for M.J.

Food poisioning.

Everything that he ate was 10 years old.

[Rick G]

  Government running Business


Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch, a legal brothel located in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

  They failed and it closed.

  Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 700 Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.
 Now, if that doesn't make you nervous, what does?

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

  Government running Business


Back in 1990, the Government seized the Mustang Ranch, a legal brothel located in Nevada for tax evasion and, as required by law, tried to run it.

  They failed and it closed.

  Now, we are trusting the economy of our country and 700 Billion Dollars to a pack of nit-wits who couldn't make money running a whore house and selling booze.
 Now, if that doesn't make you nervous, what does?

   sooo true!!!

[dubs4life]

Either I need a new wardrobe or Don Wiggins stayed the night. I was pretty drunk.

[Don]

Do you still have my boxers?



Love those shorts!!!!!

[dubs4life]

Do you still have my boxers?

If I remember correctly, you werent wearing any. 

[TabiCatz]

Do you still have my boxers?

If I remember correctly, you werent wearing any. 

oh my....

[Rick G]

Martha recently lost her husband.
She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on
the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"Bob, you know that dishwasher you promised me?
I bought it with the insurance money.

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Bob, remember that car you promised me?
Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"


Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

"Bob, that diamond ring you promised me?
Bought it too, with the insurance money!

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said,

"Bob, remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

[Neil]

Do you still have my boxers?

Boxers?  I heard you wear snakeskin thong...

[Rick G]

Do you still have my boxers?

Boxers?  I heard you wear snakeskin thong...

The dreaded banana hamock, and no, we don't need pics

[Don]

Cheryl,
put away the camera.
They don't need pic's.

[VolksDragen]

Please Please lets change the subject  I don't need that mental picture burned in my head

[VIN]

 

[Don]

Russ e-mailed me and wanted this posted.

Russ if you get a chance, please view this thread.
http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/smf/index.php?topic=3635.0

[Don]

So I found this on my wall of facebook
Thanks DHP Joe

[VolksDragen]

Wow Don, you better lay off the 'Heart attack grill's quadruple bypass' burgers

[Kimbo]

Good advice for us all in the future

[Dilligaf]

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.                                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?                                                                                                                             
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'                                                                                               
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.                                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.                                                                     
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.                                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.                                                                                                           
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, " Obama '08."                                 
                                                                                                                                                                                                       
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important for my health.