Joke of the day

[VolksDragen]

*WHY GOD MADE MOMS*

*Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the

following questions:*

*Why did God make mothers?*

*1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch

tape is.*

*2.  Mostly to clean the house.*

*3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.*

*How did God make mothe! rs! ?*

*1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.*

*2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring...*

*3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me...  He

just used bigger

parts.*

*What ingredients are mothers made of?*

*1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and

everything nice in

the world and one dab of mean.*

*2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.

Then they mostly use

string, I think.*

*Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?*

*1.  We're related.*

*2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other

people's mom like me.*

*What kind of a little girl was your mom?*

*1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other

stuff.*

*2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my

guess would be pretty

bossy.*

*3.  They say she used to be nice.*

*What did mom need to know about dad before she married

him?*

*1.  His last name.*

*2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?

Does he get

drunk on beer?*

*3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to

drugs and YES to

chores?*

*Why did your mom marry your dad?*

*1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my

mom eats a lot.*

*2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.*

[Leatherneck]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood
curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream
reverberates through the bar.  The bartender goes into the bathroom to
 investigate why the drunk is screaming.

"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells.
 "You're scaring my customers!"  "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs
 the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of
 my testicles." The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on
 the mop bucket!"

[Rick G]

found a stack of these in a file on my computer, don't remember where I got them

[Rick G]

another

[Rick G]

One Monday morning, the Postman was walking through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
 
"Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one h*ll of a party last night," the Postman comments.
 
Derek, in obvious pain, replies, "Actually, we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun, and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?"
The Postman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play WHO AM I?"
"Well, all the guys go into the bedroom and come out one at a time with a sheet covering them and only their 'family jewels'  showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
 The Postman laughs and says, "Sounds like fun.. I'm sorry I missed that."
 "Probably a good thing you did," Derek responded. "Your name came up seven times."

 
 
 
 

[Leatherneck]

Aww Rick that is just wrong!   

Transferring to Detroit
 
  On a flight getting ready to depart for Detroit ...
 
  Jack was sitting on the plane when a guy took the seat beside him.


 The guy was an emotional wreck, pale, hands shaking, moaning in fear.


 "What's the matter?" Jack asked.
 
  "I've been transferred to Detroit , there's crazy people there.  They've
  got lots of shootings, gangs, race riots, drugs, poor public schools, and
  the highest crime rate."
 
  Jack replied, "I've lived in Detroit all my life.  It's not as bad as
  the media says.  Find a nice home, go to work, mind your own business,
  enroll your kids in a nice private school.  It's as safe a place as anywhere
  in the world."
 
  The guy relaxed and stopped shaking and said, "Oh, thank you.
  I've been worried to death.  But if you live there and say it's OK, I'll take
  your word for it.   What do you do for a living?"
 
  "Me?" said Jack.  "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck."

[Don]

LOL

[VolksDragen]

A FEW GEMS FROM AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL:

 Tower:  "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles." Delta 351: "Give us another hint!  We have digital watches!"

=========================

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" =========================

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock , three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."

=========================

A  DC-10 had come in a too fast and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:  "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.   If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." =========================

A  Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English):  "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"  Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):  "Because you lost the bloody war."

=========================

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.   The DC-8 landed, rolled out turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.  Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane.  Did you make it all by yourself?"  The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts.  Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

==========================

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.  An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?  I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway!  You turned right on Delta!  Stop right there.  I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"  Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:  "God!  Now you've screwed everything up!  It'll take forever to sort this out!  You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!  You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!  You got that, US Air 2771?"  "Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

 Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771.  Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.  Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.
Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?" 

[Rick G]

A guy was at the zoo tossing peanuts to the monkeys. One monkey would shell the peanut, shove it up his butt, pull it out and eat it. The other monkeys ate them normally. The guy saw one of the zoo keepers wal by and asked him about the monkeys unusual eating habits. The zoo keeper said " Yeah, last week some smart ass tossed him a peach and had a terrible time passing the pit, so now he does a size check on everything he eats."

[Rick G]

Kids are great

[Don]

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

(SEE BELOW)




HOW MANY ?









WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".

[Don]

More Brain Stuff . . .  From Cambridge University .
 
O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
 
 
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
 
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the  ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat  ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll  raed it wouthit a porbelm.
 
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey  lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas  tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on  !!


Psas Ti ON !   

DID YOU HAVE FUN!!!

[Mykul]

More Brain Stuff . . .  From Cambridge University .
 
O lny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
 
 
cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty  uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig  to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
 
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the  ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat  ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll  raed it wouthit a porbelm.
 
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey  lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas  tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on  !!


Psas Ti ON !   

DID YOU HAVE FUN!!!

It's like grading my students' papers.

[Rick G]

Heres another

[VIN]

mods;  delete if needed.

MAN TEST

1.  If you are over forty and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer.  It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2.  If you have a cat, you are a homo.  A cat is like a dog, but queer -- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws and whines to be fed.  And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here!  I said get your ass over here, Killer!'  Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!'  Jeeez you're so queer.

3.  If you suck on lollipops, ring pops, baby pacifiers or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a gaylord.  A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet or tits.  Anything else and you are a homo in training and undeniably a fag.

4.  If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship.  A man's world is his toilet; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5.  If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as fairy as Tinkerbelle.  A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'decaf soy latte'.  If you've put a decaf soy latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6.  If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes.  A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap.  If you can pick out chartreuse you're gay.  And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a peter puffer.

7.  If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle.  A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-assed driver or to cut the prick off.  The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger or hold his beer.

8.  If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge of being a salami smuggler.

[Don]

This is like a test.
1) Wished I failed
2) I'm a homo
3) Passed
4) Passed
5) Tinkerbelle here, Love my Cafe Mochas
6) I'm handing out free ass passes
7) I'm dying to tune a meat whistle
On the verge of being a salami smuggler

I also have Micheal Jackson on my Ipod 

 

[VolksDragen]

This is like a test.
1) Wished I failed
2) I'm a homo
3) Passed
4) Passed
5) Tinkerbelle here, Love my Cafe Mochas
6) I'm handing out free ass passes
7) I'm dying to tune a meat whistle
On the verge of being a salami smuggler

I also have Micheal Jackson on my Ipod  

 

TMI

[Don]

This is like a test.
1) Wished I failed
2) I'm a homo
3) Passed
4) Passed
5) Tinkerbelle here, Love my Cafe Mochas
6) I'm handing out free ass passes
7) I'm dying to tune a meat whistle
On the verge of being a salami smuggler

I also have Micheal Jackson on my Ipod 

 

TMI

What does TMI stand for?

[Rick G]

In the old days it was Three Mile Island.

Now. in the computer age, with all the acronyms it means "Too Much Information"

For example. the old lady on the new trojan commercial provides too much information when she informs the world that she makes use of a personal vibrator.
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_z13XymWVU" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_z13XymWVU</a>

[Don]

I'm glad you posted that Rick.
And how did you come across the video?   

[Rick G]

I'm glad you posted that Rick.
And how did you come across the video?   

I was working on a piece about bleeding brakes.

[Don]

Oh,
LOL
At the store I found out I was the only person who has not seen it.

[Mykul]

I'm glad you posted that Rick.
And how did you come across the video?   

I was working on a piece about bleeding brakes.

RRIIIIIIGGGGHHHTT!

[Rick G]

Bleeding Brakes is like sex.

Beyond the obvious pumping and spurting there are several other similarities.

Firm, hard, solid are all positives, soft and spongy are failures in both activities

In both cases there are several devices marketed to allow you to perform the activity alone, but it is much better with a partner.

Having a third person involved can make things better, but more than that they are just in the way.

In both activities good communication is important to get optimum results.

Being patient and thourough is usually rewarded.

[VIN]

very good comparison   i applaud you, sir