Joke of the day

[Dilligaf]

 Mexican words of the day


> 1. *Cheese*
>  The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito
> replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
>
> 2. *Mushroom*
> When all my family get in the car, there's not mushroom.
>
> 3. *Shoulder*
> My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn't know how to read so I

> shoulder.
>
> 4. * Texas *
> My fren always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at!
>
> 5. *Herpes*
> Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
>
> 6. *July*
> Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
>
> 7. *Rectum*
> I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
>
> 8. *Chicken*
> Chicken go herself.
>
> 9. *Wheelchair*
> We only have one enchilada left, but don't worry wheelchair
>
> 10. *Chicken* *wing*
> My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
>
> 11. *Harassment*
> My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her honey
> harassment nothing to me.
>
> 12. *Bishop*
> My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
>
> 13. *Body wash*
> I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
>
> 14. *Budweiser*
> That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
>
>
>

[Dilligaf]

Three couples—one elderly, one middle-aged, one young and newly wed—apply for membership in a church. The pastor informs them that the requirement for new parishioners is that they abstain from sex for two weeks. The couples agree and go their separate ways.

After two weeks, they return. The pastor asks the elderly pair if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "No problem at all, Pastor," replies the old man.

"Congratulations!" says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He turns to the middle-aged couple and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks. "It was difficult," replies the husband. "By the end of the second week, I had to sleep on the couch, but we did it."

"Congratulations on overcoming temptation," says the pastor. "Welcome to the church." He then turns to the newlyweds and asks if they were able to abstain for two weeks.

"At first it was no problem," says the husband. "But one day my wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf, and she dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, that this means you will not be welcome in our church," says the pastor.

"We know," says the young man. "We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either."

[Dilligaf]

A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch. As the bartender pours the drink, he remarks, "That’s quite a heavy drink. What’s wrong?"

After quickly downing his drink, the man replies, "I found my wife in bed with my best friend."

"Wow," says the barkeep. "What’d you do?"

"I walked over to my wife," the man replies, "looked her straight in the eye, and told her to pack her stuff and get the heck out."

"That makes sense," says the bartender. "And what about your best friend?"

"I walked over, looked him right in the eye, and yelled, ‘Bad dog!’"

[Dilligaf]

Pinocchio and his girlfriend are in bed, doing what wooden puppets do, when she suddenly sighs. He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

 

[Dilligaf]

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the b@lls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, heck, you win. Keep the duck."

[Cailleac Bhuer]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on
"Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided
to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said,
"Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"


She instantly replied, "probably drag racing with his buddies."


It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

[VolksDragen]

This is cool, Like to see a VDUB version:

[Bugga]

This is cool, Like to see a VDUB version:

Ya know..ive always wanted a bar made out of a busses front.. ive seen it done somewhere..

[Don]

[Bugga]

Oh no Don.. you shouldn't have shown me that.. I want that kind now..haha

[VolksDragen]

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

[VolksDragen]

There's a Mexican, an Italian, and a Redneck working on the top of a building for a construction company. During their lunch break, the Mexican opens up his lunch and finds tacos inside (which he gets every day). He says, "If my wife gives me tacos for lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Then, the Italian opens his lunch and finds lasagna inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If my wife gives me lasagna for lunch one more time, I'm going to kill myself." Then, the Redneck opens his lunch and finds a bologna sandwich inside (which he gets everyday). He says, "If I get a bologna sandwich in my lunch one more time, I'm going to jump off this building." Well, the next day for lunch, the Mexican gets tacos, the Italian gets lasagna, and the Redneck gets a bologna sandwich. They all jump off the roof. At their funerals, the Mexican's wife says, "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want tacos. I wouldn't have made them." The Italian's wife says "O, why didn't he tell me he didn't want lasagna. I wouldn't have made it." Then, everybody turns to look at the Redneck's wife. She says, "Hey, don't look at me!! He fixed his own lunch!!"

[VIN]

job Interview in Texas . . . . . .

 

A man seeking to join an East Texas Sheriff's Department is being interviewed.  The Deputy doing the interview says, "Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant.  "When can you start?"

[VolksDragen]

Economy crisis, New company names:

[Cailleac Bhuer]

 

[VolksDragen]

It's Hunter - Huntin season.   

[Mykul]

I stole this from D3

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

'Oh my GOD!' screamed the woman. 'That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?'

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, 'I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.'

Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay,' said the woman.
As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, 'Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?

Again the doctor spoke very calmly: 'Same illness, better health plan.

[Cailleac Bhuer]

<a href="http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1451058/wheel_of_fail/" target="_blank" class="aeva_link bbc_link new_win">http://www.metacafe.com/watch/1451058/wheel_of_fail/</a>

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

 

[BDD]

[Dilligaf]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b@lls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

[Dilligaf]

A short love story:

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,..........   'Ma'am,

 I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet  to get me a second blanket?
 
I'm awfully cold.'
 
 'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

 'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f--ing blanket.'

 After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.

The End

[Dilligaf]

Some new golf terms to use when you're out on the course...


     A 'Rock Hudson ' - a putt that looked straight, but wasn't.

     A 'Saddam Hussein' - from one bunker into another.

     A 'Yasser Arafat' - butt ugly and in the sand.

     A 'John Kennedy Jr.' - didn't quite make it over the water.

     A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

     An 'O.J.'- got away with one.

     A 'Princess Grace' - should have used a driver.

     A 'Princess Di' - shouldn't have used the driver.

     A 'Condom' - safe, but didn't feel very good.

      A 'Rush Limbaugh' - a little to the right.

     A 'Nancy Pelosi' - Way to the left and out of bounds.

     A 'James Joyce' - a putt that's impossible to read.

     A 'Ted Kennedy' - goes in the water and jumps out.

     A 'Pee Wee Herman' - too much wrist.

     A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.

     A 'Mickey Mantle' - a dead yank.

[VolksDragen]

A 'Rodney King' - over-clubbed.

A 'Sonny Bono' - straight into the trees.



Ooooow,  That's wrong
     

[Leatherneck]

Involuntary Muscular Contractions

A professor at the University of  Michigan was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to
his first year medical students.
 
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood
slightly.
 
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your asshole is doing while
you're having an orgasm?' 
 
She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.' 
 
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom........