Joke of the day

[corrosion]

Yo Gunner,

Go up to Talon2load's post and click on the pdf attachment.

[corrosion]

What did the Doctor prescribe to the depressed lesbian?


?

??
?


Trymenagain.

[VolksDragen]

Here is a great game for the whole family to play. 

"BINGO" I win. Ive seen em all !!

[VolksDragen]

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least, one who’ll cooperate).

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1: 30-3:30 p. m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER? If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.? Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job -- no, on my breaks -- no.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS? Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius

[Cailleac Bhuer]

My Resimay
 
To hoom it mae cunsern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

 I kin Type realee qwik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the fone and I no I am a pepole person, Pepole realee seam to reespond too me well. Certain men and all the ladies.

I no my spelling is not two good but find that I Offen can get a job wit my persinalety. 

My salerery is open so we kin discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I kin start emeditely.  Thank yoo in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Bubba

PS: Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.

 

 

 

 Employer's response:....


Dear Bubba,

It's OK, we've got spell check.

 

See you Monday.
 
 
 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

WOW... Had to spray Windex in my eyes because of that of that picture!!! 

[Cailleac Bhuer]

WOW... Had to spray Windex in my eyes because of that of that picture!!! 

LOL


I got one for e the guys too, with a volumputous gal  at a job interview...... well I got to find the video first; thank my son for it when it gets posted   

[Cailleac Bhuer]

okay.. teh T8Ts Interview can't be posted...  but can I make up with it this?  LOL

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fBdgZUtpBg" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3fBdgZUtpBg</a>

My kidlet and his fiance, ummmmmmmmmmm, aprreciate it  LOL

[Cailleac Bhuer]

To: GOD

From: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God:  When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God:   Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar,  the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE  named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!  Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler  Eagle'  the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God:  If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God:  We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God:  More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God:  Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.

1. I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it  or after they throw it up.
2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.
4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.
5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear  when he's on the toilet.
7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying 'hello'.
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee table.
9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not after.
10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.
12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S.  Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[VolksDragen]

The litter box is not a cookie jar

Thats so funny and true and gross all at the same time 

[VIN]

  I got one for e the guys too, with a volumputous gal  at a job interview...... well I got to find the video first; thank my son for it when it gets posted   

kinda like this;

[Cailleac Bhuer]

 
Intelligent boy...
 
Now don't assume anything, read first.
 
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
 
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and
I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
 
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave.
She agreed.
 
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to
take the test.
 
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
 
Harry: '9.'
 
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
 
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
 
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
 
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
 
The principal and Harry both agreed.
 
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
 
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
 
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
 
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
 
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
 
Harry: 'Pants.'
 
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?' 
 
Harry: 'Coconut.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a
dog does on three legs?'
 
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
 
The principal was trembling.
 
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat
and excitement?'
 
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
 
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade,
I got the last seven questions wrong.....'

[Don]

http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/media/Chrico_Hillbilly_Tech_Line.mp3

[Neil]

Which one was Jon???   

[VolksDragen]

http://www.chircoestore.com/catalog/media/Chrico_Hillbilly_Tech_Line.mp3

I think your hillbilly was talking too fast,
H e  s h o u l d a    b e e n    t  a  l  k  i  n       a         b      i      t
s      l       o        w         e         r.

[VolksDragen]

Vin.. That sure is a nice Floor jack under that beemer,
I see it has dual lifting cylinders and extra high lift!!
Bet she can lift a Freightliner!!

[VIN]

i was rather impressed

[VolksDragen]

How to spot a Volkswagen owner:

- smells like gas.
- walks with a hunch.
- fan belt burn marks on fingers.
- defroster "rag" stuck to hand.
- back of shirt is sweat stained.
- mutters in his sleep; " air cooled, dropped spindles, dual carbs"
- assorted tools in back pockets.
- singed left pant leg.
- left arm permanently locked in a horizontal position.
- smells like exhaust.
- dings on head.
- shift-itus of the right hand
- points and condensor in shirt pocket.
- mumbles something about synchronizing something.
- every other word is 'dude' or 'braw'
- has sand in hair.
- battery acid eaten fingers.

and lastly;
- is so damn happy you couldn't wipe that s*** eat'n grin off his face!

[Cailleac Bhuer]

i was rather impressed

I wonder how much it would cost to re-inflate them each time?  And, are they like a trampoline?

heh hehe heh


(Not jealous, as been there done that back in my younger days... okay not so BIG, but stilll....  re-inflating is expensive...too bad they cant be like Inspector Clouseau and his seadog/parrot costume (Revenge of the Pink Panther, 1978) )  

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sNtC8aLEjc" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sNtC8aLEjc</a>

[Cailleac Bhuer]

OMG!  Ok, I have RSD in my feet thanks to two broken ankles.. today, the suspected toaster violator cat ran into the house and my son couldn't catch em alone.  So, mom to the rescue right?  The darn cat is non-corner able and tries to run behind the fish tank stand.  I grab it by the tail and get a grip on its underbelly with other hand, all the while it is doing the run-circles around-your-arm-clawing-and-biting-all-the-way bit.  I get a hold of it so it can't scratch me too bad and tell kid to open the door "which one?" he cries out. "UM, THE CLOSEST ONE!" I plea.  As I am turning around, I discover the Corgi and the cat have bond and have mutually agreed to trip me up as the dog runs circles around and about my feet.  This causes me to stubble and trip, kicking my foot into the fireplace.

Four hours later I am still in pain and recalling  a my work-days conversation with a person detained .. "Me:  Have you been drinking today Ma'am?"  Suspect: "Not Yet". 

LOL    I can now relate!

Any how, now my car is  hours away from being on the road, how hard is it to drive a stick with a rigid right ankle and foot plus a left foot with three broken toes?   OMG  My life IS a joke! 

And yes, I am changing sig to "God has a sense of humor....  I just wanna KNOW why he has to test it on me first.....

[Cailleac Bhuer]

I know not another day yet... I gotta post so I can reboot though  LOL


Blonde Joke: Flying Blonde

The plane is on its way to Houston , when a blonde in economy class gets up
and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She
then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class and that she will
have to sit back in her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and
I'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the
co-pilot that there is a blonde sitting in first class who belongs in
economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she
only paid for economy, she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston , and
I'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police
waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "Oh, I'm
sorry." And she gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to
make her move without any fuss.
He replies, "I told her, `First class isn't going to Houston .'"

[VIN]

a remix...

Hilary, Obama, and Oprah were flying on Obamas plane, Obama looked at Oprah and said "i could throw $1,000 bill out the window and make one person very happy", Oprah said "i could throw 10, $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".  Hilary said "that being the case i could throw 100, $10 dollar bills out the window and make 100 people very happy.."  Of course the pilot hearing this, rolls his eyes and says " i could throw all their asses out the window and make 200 million people very happy"..

[Cailleac Bhuer]

 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Remember kids... Just Say No!!!  See what will happen to your fathers Type 2 during lunch break if you don't!!!  This is Spicolli gone bad!!!   

[VWolverine]