Joke of the day

[Far-From-Nugen]

Tip of the day: When taking long trips across the desert, It is most advisable to take along spare parts in case of a break-down!

[corrosion]

Where do red headed babies come from?


After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. 'Doctor,' the man said, 'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. ?
She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said.

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'


'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.  'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'


'Well,' said the doctor, 'let me ask you this.
How often do you have sex? ' 
The man seemed a bit ashamed .'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'


'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently.

'It's rust.' 

[Far-From-Nugen]

Advice for the day... Handle every stressful situation like a dog.
If you can't eat it or play with it, Just pee on it and walk away! 

[corrosion]

Headache
 
 
 
 A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
 I've been having All these years? Well, they're gone.'
 
 'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

 His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
 stand in front of a mirror,
 Stare at myself and repeat,

 ' I do not have a headache '
 ' I do not have a headache '
 ' I do not have a headache '
 
 Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'
 
 Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

 His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
 in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
 hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that? '
 
 Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.
 
 Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
 clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
 her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
 
 He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
 into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
 
 His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'
 
 The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'
 
 He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
 better than the first time.
 
 The wife sits up and her head is spinning ' OH MY GOD ' She proclaims.
 
 Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
 
 With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
 
 This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom,
 she sees him standing at the mirror and saying.
 
 'She's not my wife '
 'She's not my wife '
 'She's not my wife ' .
 'She's not my wife '

 His funeral service will be held on Saturday. 

[corrosion]

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
'I want to be a movie star.' Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, 'What's your name?'

The guy said, 'My name is Schlong van Lesbian.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into
Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name.'

'I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old,
 I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever.'

The agent said, 'Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Schlong van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you.'

'So be it! I guess we will not do business together' the guy said and
he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER..... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter
enclosed...

'Dear Sir,

'Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an
actor in Hollywood , you told me I needed to change my name. Determined
to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would
never make it in Hollywood with a name like Schlong van Lesbian. After I
left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were
right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your
office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my
appreciation.

Thank you for your advice..

Sincerely,

Any guess'?

/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
Dick Van Dyke

[Far-From-Nugen]

Dumb blond joke:
A blond  boards an airline to fly to Huston, She immediately heads to first class and finds a seat, The flight attendant starts checking everyones tickets, she gets to the blond woman in first class and says "your ticket is for coach" The blond responds "I'm blond and beautiful and I'm going in first class, and I'm not moving" The flight attendant storms up to the cocpit and tells the copilot the situation with the blond, So the copilot goes back to where the blond woman is seated, and tells her she needs to move to coach, She tells him the same thing "I'm blond and beautiful and I'm not moving from this seat" The copilot leaves in disgust and back to the cocpit, The pilot says "whats going on back there"?
The copilot says "some dumb blond refuses to move to coach"  The pilot replies " my wife is blond, I can speak blond, I will talk to her"  A Minuit later the pilot returns to his seat and the flight attendant enters the cocpit and says " The blond woman just got up and went to coach" How did you get her to move"?  The pilot replied " Simple, I told her first class does not go to Houston" 

[Far-From-Nugen]

Chirco's server is too smart, I know that "cocpit" is spelled wrong, when i tryed to spell it right it called it a "weeniepit" That's FUNNIER  thank my joke!! 

[Don]

LOL

[Don]

[Rick G]

What the hell??

[mrbajadude]

And that's why the only excercise we do is 12 oz curls. This beers for you!!, Ol' John

[Far-From-Nugen]

You may have seen this in the newspaper, Don't you agree this is so true!!

[Don]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for
them.
Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what
his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE
YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

[Don]

Here is Joe playing a Joke on Brian
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWh19PtY2lM" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWh19PtY2lM</a>

[Neil]

That's so messed up!  That's some funny 'big ole poopy'!!!

[Far-From-Nugen]

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that
expensive double-pane energy efficient kind,
and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the work had
been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for
them.
Hellloooo, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So, I told him just what
his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE
YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I
finally just hung up. He never called back.

Guess I won that stupid argument.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

That's a good one...Helllooooo im a smart blond 

[Far-From-Nugen]

Here is Joe playing a Joke on Brian
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWh19PtY2lM" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tWh19PtY2lM</a>

I wanna work at Chirco when i grow up

[corrosion]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats
a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,
'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints.'

[corrosion]

Drinks that Show Personality

Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could 'nail' a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:

PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS, WHO THEY ARE, & YOU!

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink..................

Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with my friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, act ually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with pals and looking to get totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!

Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
******************************************************

PART B: MAN-DRINKS & WHO THE MEN ARE!   

THEN, there is the MALE addendum --
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer:   He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer:   He likes good beer and wants to get laid .
Wine:    He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey:    He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila:     He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel:    He's gay

[Don]

[buggdude]

[corrosion]

Medicine for pets.
 
   


 

How to Give a Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby.    Position right forefinger
and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right
hand.     As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.       
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.     
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm,
holding rear paws tightly with left hand.    Force jaws
open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.   
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe.   Call spouse from garden..

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws.    Ignore low growls emitted
by cat.    Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand
while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down
ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.


7.. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and
repair curtains.    Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one
side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with head just visible from below armpit.     
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
 

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.    Apply
Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood
from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.    Get another
pill.    Open another beer..    Place cat in cupboard,
and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.     
Force mouth open with dessert spoon.    Flick pill
down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
door back on hinges.    Drink beer.    Fetch bottle of
scotch.    Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.     
Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.    Toss back
another shot.    Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new
one from bedroom.
 
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from
across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed
into fence while swerving to avoid cat.    Take last pill
from foil wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed.    Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak.    Be
rough about it.    Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints
of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.    Get spouse to
drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill
remnants from right eye.    Call furniture shop on way
home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
and call local pet shop to see if they have any
hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.

 

 


 
 
 
 

[Far-From-Nugen]

  That one's hillarious Corrosion. Do you think that's the reason so many people hate cats!!?? 

[mrbajadude]

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a
flight from London. After the plane was airborne,
drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly
brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would
like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a
dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant
and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."


Ol' John

[buggdude]

<--- is a Mormon,  i've heard better ones than that