Joke of the day

[buggdude]

One day about a month ago, President Bush was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls in a local lounge, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?"

She replied, "$200."

To the brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was "$100".

He then asked the redhead.

Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. President, it isn’t going to cost you a damn cent "

[Far-From-Nugen]

Im black - im white.... EeeeHeeeHeee....Jamon....Chic-a-chicaaaa. It's my birthday 

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Hey... If Wal-mart headquarters is located in Arkansas, Why isn't it called "Yall-Mart"


A newspaper article interview with a woman, she said " I like shoppin' at the Dollar Tree, Ya' don't havta get all dressed up like yur goin' to Wal-mart.

OMG 

All of these jokes are all so awesome, Yes, i have no life and spent all day reading htem....

but son's GF works at a Dollar Tree in So Cal, so this was especially funny; I can't wait to show her it

[Cailleac Bhuer]

A drunk is driving with his parrot through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the parrot and the drunk smiles.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few."
"He did all right," the parrot says and the drunk smiles.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the parrot. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[corrosion]

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last:

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine,
some good food and companionship.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in Sydney and mine is in Melbourne.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker
Then she said, "There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!".
So I bought her an electric chair.

Remember.... Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"....
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created earth and rested.
Then God created man and rested.
Then God created woman.
Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? 'Cause they want to'.

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over , so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These girl nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came back with a card stuck to her that said  'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you!'

[Far-From-Nugen]

CORNY PUNS
1 A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "i'll serve you but don't start anything.

2 two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

3 Two ants were walking across a toilet seat and one got pissed off.

4 Two cannibals are eating a clown. one says to the other: "Does this taste  funny to you?"

5 Deja Moo: the feeling that you've heard this bull before.

6 A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

7 Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says"Dam!"

[Far-From-Nugen]

A man walking on a southern ca. beach found a Jeanie bottle, He picked it up and said to himself this must be the real thing, So he proceded to rub the bottle and sure enough out of the bottle popped a  Jeanie. Jeanie spoke to the man and said to him "I will grant you only one wish"  "Cut backs you know"
So the man carefully thought out his only wish request...
" I know" the man said, "I would like to be able to drive to Hawaii, Can you make a highway over the pacific"?  The Jeanie replied, boy that's quite a large request, I have to deal with permits, Environmental impact reports, Greenpeace, Logistics, Construction bids, That is just too much of a job to do, It would take years not to mention the legal part of it. The Jeanie had to decline the man's offer. And asked him to pick another wish. The man thought for a while and said, "You know it's been tough getting to understand my wife lately, Do you think you could grant me the ability to understand her completely?" Without hesitation the Jeanie replied "Do you want that highway in two or four lanes"!

[Don]

Very funny Nugen!!!!!!!!!!

[corrosion]

ROFLMFAO!

How soon before the construction begins?

[Far-From-Nugen]

ROFLMFAO!

How soon before the construction begins?

The construction surprisingly starts tomorrow!!

[Far-From-Nugen]

An elderly man on a moped, looking about 100 years old pulls up next to a doctor at a street light. the old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks. "what kind of car ya got there sonny?" The doctor replies "A Ferrari GTO, it costs half a million dollars!" "thats a lot of money" replies the old man. why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles per hour!" States the doctor proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if i look inside?" "No problem" replies the doctor. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back on his moped the old man says, "Thats a pretty nice car, all right... but i'll stick with my moped"! Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it and within 30 seconds the speedo reads 160mph. Suddenly he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. it seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly WHOOOSSSSHHH! Somethng whips by him going much faster! "what on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari? the doc. asks himself. He presses harder on the pedal and takes the Ferrari up to 250mph. Then up ahead of him he sees the old man  on the moped! amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275mph. He was feeling pretty good until he looked in hid mirror and saw the old man gaining on him AGAIN. Astounded by the speeed of this old guy, he floors the gas and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320mph. Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again! the Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do! suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. the doctor stops and jumps out and unbelievable the old man is still alive! He runs to the old guy and says "I'm a doctor....Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man wispers... Can you unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror?"

[corrosion]

It’s a Great Time to Be Silver!

Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

"It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

 

[Neil]

Now THAT's some funny sh*t, y'all.  Get R Done!!!

[Far-From-Nugen]

I gotta real dumb question
Im kinda old skool (and just old) and dont know many phrases nowadays:
What does "ROFLMAO" mean, or can that be repeated on the internet?

[buggdude]

I gotta real dumb question
Im kinda old skool (and just old) and dont know many phrases nowadays:
What does "ROFLMAO" mean, or can that be repeated on the internet?

rolling on floor laughing my @ss off

[Far-From-Nugen]

I gotta real dumb question
Im kinda old skool (and just old) and dont know many phrases nowadays:
What does "ROFLMAO" mean, or can that be repeated on the internet?

rolling on floor laughing my @ss off

Thanks Bugdude, I feel totally edjumekated now

[corrosion]

Why can't le$bians diet with make up on?

It is too hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face>

[buggdude]

Why can't le$bians diet with make up on?

It is too hard to eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on your face>

oh snap

[Neil]

In school one day the teacher decided in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Richie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie.

Little Susie said "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

[corrosion]

I vote one Karma for Feel, er I mean Neil.

[Neil]

Actually, the (nick)name is Kneel!  And don't forget it!!  LOL!!!

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some rectum deodorant.
The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell rectum deodorant and never have.
Unfazed, the blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis and would like some more.
'I'm sorry,' says the pharmacist, 'We don't have any.'
'But, I always buy it here,' says the blonde .

'Do you have the container that it came in?' asks the pharmacist.
'Yes,' said the blonde, 'I'll go home and get it.'
She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, 'This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.''
Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container ...


(Are you ready for this one!?)



'TO APPLY, PUSH UP BOTTOM.'

[Neil]

A young man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.  He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The young man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special. "
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. " Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, " the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The young man seeing this said, "We'll take it. "
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the young man stated, " by check."
"I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. "
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the young man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know ", said the young man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had? "

[Far-From-Nugen]

Senior Breakfast

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'senior' special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.
 
 
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
 
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
 
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
 
'Ok, I'll take the special then.' my wife said.
 
 
 'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
 
 
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife  replied.
 
 
 
 
She took the two eggs home.
 
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!WE'VE been around the block more than once
 

[corrosion]

A teacher was  explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings 
are the only animals that sutter', she says.   
A little girl  raises her hand and disagrees: 'I had a kitty-cat  who stuttered', she volunteered. 
The  teacher, knowing how precious some of  these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the  incident.

'Well', she  began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the  Rottweiler that lives next door
got a running start  and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!   

'That must've been  scary',said the teacher.
 
'It sure was', said the little  girl.  'My kitty raised  his back, went 'Fffff,  Fffff, Fffff'...
And before he could say  'Fuc&',the Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet  her pants laughing.......