Joke of the day

[corrosion]

This is actually from Gunner and with his permission I am posting this in his behalf.

Blond Mortician



A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.


The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like
the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black
suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always
thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a
blue suit.

She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care
what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the
suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You
did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank
check. 'There's no charge,' she says.


'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you
 left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his
wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a new very nice black
suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'



(BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMIN!!!)

[corrosion]

And then the fight started.....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license
to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at home.  I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would
have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That
silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my
Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office.  She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.

You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started....

[BDD]

I love her to death, Mrs Ken.

Sometimes I have to laugh what woman have to put up with.

Like the whole "Boob in the vice" a'gram.
Let me clarify my Mom is a breast cancer survivor so thank god the have that test.
But lets say guys had to put the Captain in a vice?

I'll pass

Don, the wife was just funning with you. That'll teach me to walk away from the puter with her around.... 

Leukemia in 1997. I've been to hell and drug the wife there with me. Could not have made it without her. I suffered conditions and went through treatments that were so horrifying, I will take them to my grave and not even she will hear about them.

But lets say guys had to put the Captain in a vice?

I'll pass

Don't knock it 'till you've tried it

  You SC guys are scary! 

[corrosion]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked,  'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

[Neil]

Captain in a vice??  You've obviously never met my doctor.  I knew I was in trouble from the first handshake!  Man, what a grip!!!  But that's nuthin' compared to the prostate exam.  It's not so much the whole "in through the out door" thing (though that's bad enough), but do they hafta use so damn much lube!!  Geez......

Yep, had my annual physical last week.

[Andrew]

But that's nuthin' compared to the prostate exam.  It's not so much the whole "in through the out door" thing (though that's bad enough), but do they hafta use so damn much lube!!  Geez......

Yep, had my annual physical last week.

DUDE... way too much info! Sucks about the slick conditions on the one-way street.

[VIN]

i think i would rather have too much than not enough..

[BDD]

ROTFLMAO

What a subject to read over morning coffee. 

[Don]

i think i would rather have too much than not enough..

Spit on my screen

[Neil]

Anyone on here over 40 knows what I'm talking about!!  The rest of you are gonna find out!!!  I get no sympathy from my GF, though:  she has Crohn's, and gets annual colonoscopy's.  But at least she's asleep for it!!!

Glad I could share...   

[BDD]

  only work with a female doctor... I ain't saying I like, but if I gotta go there ain't no man going to get away with it....

    

uummm corrosion? right now would be a great time for a JOKE!!!

[Andrew]

glad that didn't get awkward 

Reminds me of Robin Williams Live on Broadway with the 'roto-rooter'.... haha, those of you who have seen it will know what I'm talking about.

[Rick G]

Last time I had the experience I told the doctor to just tell me what he lost and I would let him know if I had seen it, but he just kept looking.

[VIN]

glad that didn't get awkward 

im feeling a little awkward

[corrosion]

I said BUD LIGHT!?!?!?!?

[corrosion]

This is a repost from page 3 but seems fitting,(The original was somehow removed, so I am typing this out of memory).

The Walmart in Tuscon was looking to hire a new store greeter.

The Manager there had reviewed all of the canidates and it was pretty much a toss up between four people.

So the Manager decided that he would have one last interview with all four canidates, ask one question, and the best response would get the job.

The Manager asked the question.."What is the fastest thing that you know of?"

The turned to the first canidate who's name was Rick.

Rick replied "When I think of the fastest thing that I know of, I think of a thought...It just pops into your head and it is there."

The Manager fairly impressed with Ricks answer, thought that maybe there was someone else with a better answer.

The Manager then turned to VIN and asked him if he had an answer.

VIN replied.."A blink of an eye is the fastest thing that I know of, we really don't why it happens, but when it does, it is so quick."

The Manager was impressed and thought that maybe VIN was a leading canidate.

The Manager then looked for an answer from Fatal.

Fatal figured he had this one and his reply was..."Well when I sit on the porch and look across the pasture out to the barn and see that it is dark out there, I can walk over to the post and flip on the light switch and the barn lights come right on and I didn't even have to wait for it to happen."

Now the Manager thinks he has new greeter and thinks to himself that there is nothing faster than the speed of light, but he figures with being a equal oppurtunity employer, he better give the last canidate a shot at the question.

He looks at Don and asks him if he can top that answer.

Don's reply was "I think Diarrhea is the fastest thing that I know of."

The Manager said "What kind of answer is that?"

Don reply's "Now hold on a minute, let me explain."

"The other night when I was laying in bed, I had a sudden urge develop and before I could Think, Blink, or turn on the Light switch, I already had $hit in my drawers."

Don is the new Greeter at the Tuscon Walmart.

[Andrew]

rofl I remember that one.  total awesomeness.

[VIN]

ewwww

[Don]

Welome to Walmart

[buggdude]

Welome to Walmart

have a sh*tty day

[corrosion]

Staggering Fact:

86% of the people that live in Detroit take a shower daily.

The other 14% are not in jail.

[corrosion]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.  'Phyllis,' he hollered into the
bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's Miracle Grow.'

[corrosion]

 One  day, a long, long time ago....... There lived a woman who did not  whine, nag or B!tch.


But  this was a long time ago.......and it was just that one day.

The End

[phillcan5]

DO YOU KNOW WHY THE BLONDE HAD LIPSTICK ON HER STEERING WHEEL?                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         SHE WAS BLOWING THE HORN                  

[Far-From-Nugen]

What's slower than a '54 VDub?.............. 6 illegals in a '84 Civic







Note: This joke is not intended to offend anyone