Joke of the day

[Dilligaf]

BOB & THE BLONDE

 

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm.  He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 pm news was coming on.  The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "Fair's fair.  Here's your money."


Bob replied, "I can't take your money.  I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...

[Dilligaf]

 

Madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

' May  I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,'

the man replied.

'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else',

said the madam.

'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,

the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts.

The price was still $5000.

Again, the man pulled out the   money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,

he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and

they went upstairs

After their session, Valerie questioned the man,

'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.

The man replied, ' Ontario '.

'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario ...'

'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
 

[Dilligaf]

 A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the
Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required would reach
the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for
me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels
inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

[Don]

I really liked that one.
Thanks

[Kimbo]

Tax System… Explained In Beer!

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100.

If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this…

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay $1.
The sixth would pay $3.
The seventh would pay $7.
The eighth would pay $12.
The ninth would pay $18.
The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do..

The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve.

"Since you are all such good customers," he said, "I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20." Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes.

So the first four men were unaffected.

They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men? The paying customers?

How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by roughly the same amount, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so the fifth man, like the first fou r, now paid nothing (100% savings)
The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33% savings).
The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28% savings).
The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).
The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 ( 22% savings).
The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

"I only got a dollar out of the $20,"declared the sixth man.

He pointed to the tenth man," but he got $10!"

"Yeah, that's right," exclaimed the fifth man. "I only saved a Dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!"

"That's true!!" shouted the seventh man. "Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the breaks!"

"Wait a minute," yelled the first four men in unison. "We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!"

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, this is how our tax system works.

The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction.

Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore.

[Dilligaf]

----- Original Message -----
How to Stop Church Gossip
You have got to love this one.
 
 
 
 
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business..
Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
 
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one after noon.
 
 
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there
WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
 
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away.  He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing..
 
 
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house ... walked home . . .and left it there all night.
 
(You gotta love Frank!)

[Don]

Both of those are very good!!

[Don]

David sent this to me.

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.

You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.

You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.

You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down. 

You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.   
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people's initiative and independence.

You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

.....Abraham Lincoln

[Don]

[Don]

or

[VIN]

        While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old rancher, who's hand was caught in the gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our president.

        The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a 'Post Turtle."
        Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.
        The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'."

        The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, and he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

[VolksDragen]

Boy if you need to do a background check on someone before dating them, Maybe you better change what ur looking for
(damn if I only new she was a crackwhore, I wouldn't have wasted my time   )

[Don]

 

[Don]

 

[VolksDragen]

Don... What is on your Birthday wish list? you ol' fart

[VolksDragen]

Look at this pic up close, then move back as far away as you can from your screen, Einstein turns into who?

[Rick G]

Now I understand more about the theory of relativity, I used to think it had something to do with courtship in West Virginia.

[Rick G]

Here is a suggestion to ask for.

[Don]

Don... What is on your Birthday wish list? you ol' fart

Cheryl is taking me to California.
We are going to OCTO ad the VW Classic.
We already reserved a suite in Lake forrest.
I will start a trip thread to keep everyone posted on the trip.

[Dilligaf]

Dead Penguins. . . . . . .
 
 
 
 Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in
 Antarctica - where do they go?
 
 Wonder no more!!!
 
 It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which
 lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
 
 The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as
 well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring
 throughout its life.
 
 If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the
 family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their
 vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead
 bird to be rolled into and buried.
 
 The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and
 sing:
 
                          "Freeze a jolly good fellow."
 
 
 
 
                         " Then they kick him in the ice hole."
 
 
 Hey ..... I don't make them up.

 

[VIN]

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture on the
> Super-natural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people
> here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands.
> -
> "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
> do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise
> their hands.
> -
> "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone
> here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand.
> -
> "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their
> hands.
> -
> "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any
> of you ever made love to a ghost?"
> -
> Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
> -
> The professor takes off his glasses, and says, "Son, of all the years
> I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love
> to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your
> experience."
> -
> The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make
> his way up to the podium.
> -
> When he reached the front of the room, the Professor asks, "So, Bubba,
> tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
> -
> Bubba replied, "Heck! From way back thar I thought you said.........
> "Goats".

[Rick G]

Another Bubba

How To Install a Home Security System

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 workboots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and AmmoMagazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Cooter,

Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition.Back in an hour.  Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailmanthis morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part init but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all fourof 'em in the house. Better wait outside      

 Bubba

[Don]

The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now.

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 old timer is reading this joke.


You hang in there sunshine

[VolksDragen]

We are about to enter the BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:


Routine... 


(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill with a cold drink.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another cold drink while he flips the meat.

Important again:
( THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

[Don]

You must have come over to my house.