Joke of the day

[VIN]

i cant get it to work

[VolksDragen]

i cant get it to work

Come on vin, don't get us all frustrated here  

[Rick G]

i cant get it to work

Come on vin, don't get us all frustrated here  

Thats what she said

[VIN]

it would only work when my email was opened in a different tab.  the pic is not what you think though.

[VolksDragen]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you    should have remained a virgin.'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
 
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
 
 
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever see n. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
 
 
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
- George Burns
 
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
 
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
 
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
 
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
 
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
 
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
0A
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
 
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
 - Alex Levine
 
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
 
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
 
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
- Joe Namath
 
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon.Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
 
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields
 
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
 
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
 
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
- Phyllis Diller
 
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
 
And the cardiologist's diet:
- If it tastes good spit it out.

[wiley1kinobe]

got this in a text:

Man asks wife, why don't you ever tell me when you're having an orgasm? Wife responds, cause I don't like to bother you at work!

[Dilligaf]

Sorry, I have been away for a while, but here is one to make up for my absence.

DO YOU KNOW THE FRONT FROM THE BACK OF A TREE

A REDNECK FROM GEORGIA DECIDES TO TRAVEL ACROSS THE SOUTH TO VIRGINIA TO SEE GOD'S COUNTRY.  WHEN HE GETS TO FRANKLIN , HE LIKES THE PLACE SO MUCH THAT HE DECIDES TO STAY.  BUT FIRST HE MUST FIND A JOB!

HE WALKS INTO THE INTERNATIONAL PAPER COMPANY OFFICE AND FILLS OUT AN APPLICATION AS AN EXPERIENCED LOG INSPECTOR.  IT'S HIS LUCKY DAY!!!  THEY JUST HAPPEN TO BE LOOKING FOR SOMEONE, BUT FIRST, THE LOG FOREMAN TAKES HIM FOR A RIDE INTO THE FOREST IN THE COMPANY PICKUP TRUCK TO SEE HOW MUCH HE KNOWS.

THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND POINTS AT A TREE "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?  I WANT YOU TO TELL ME WHAT SPECIES IT IS AND HOW MANY BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IT CONTAINS."

THE REDNECK PROMPTLY ANSWERS, "THAT THAR'S A WHITE PINE, 383 BOARD FEET OF LUMBER IN 'ER."

THE FOREMAN IS IMPRESSED!!!  HE PUTS THE TRUCK IN MOTION AND STOPS ABOUT A MILE DOWN THE ROAD.  HE POINTS AT ANOTHER TREE THROUGH THE PASSENGER WINDOW AND ASKS THE SAME QUESTION.  THIS TIME, IT'S A BIGGER TREE OF A DIFFERENT CLASS.

"THAT'S A LOBLOLLY PINE AND SHE'S GOT ABOUT 456 CLEAR BOARD FEET."

THE FOREMAN IS REALLY IMPRESSED WITH THE GOOD OL' BOY, HE HAS BEEN QUICK AND GOT THE ANSWERS RIGHT WITHOUT USING A CALCULATOR!!!!

ONE MORE TEST.  THEY DRIVE A LITTLE FURTHER DOWN THE ROAD, AND THE FOREMAN STOPS AGAIN.  THIS TIME, HE POINTS ACROSS THE ROAD THROUGH HIS DRIVER SIDE WINDOW AND SAYS, "AND WHAT ABOUT THAT ONE?"

BEFORE THE FOREMAN FINISHES POINTING, THE REDNECK SAYS, "WHITE OAK, 242 BOARD FEET AT BEST."

THE FOREMAN SPINS THE TRUCK AROUND AND HEADS BACK TO THE OFFICE A LITTLE TICKED OFF BECAUSE HE THINKS THE RED NECK IS SMARTER THAN HE IS.  AS THEY NEAR THE OFFICE, THE FOREMAN STOPS THE TRUCK AND ASKS BUBBA TO STEP OUTSIDE.

HE HANDS HIM A PIECE OF CHALK AND TELLS HIM, "SEE THAT TREE OVER THERE?" "I WANT YOU TO MARK AN X ON THE FRONT OF THAT TREE!!"

THE FOREMAN THINKS TO HIMSELF, "IDIOT, HOW WOULD HE KNOW WHICH IS THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

WHEN BUBBA REACHES THE TREE, HE GOES AROUND IT IN A CIRCLE WHILE LOOKING AT THE GROUND.  HE THEN REACHES UP AND PLACES A WHITE X ON THE TRUNK.

HE WALKS BACK TO THE FOREMAN AND HANDS HIM THE CHALK.  "THAT THAR'S THE FRONT," THE REDNECK SAYS.

THE FOREMAN LAUGHS TO HIMSELF AND ASKS SARCASTICALLY, "HOW IN THE HELL DO YOU KNOW THAT'S THE FRONT OF THE TREE?"

THE GOOD OL' BOY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS FEET, WHILE RUBBING THE TOE OF HIS LEFT BOOT CLEANING IT IN THE GRAVEL AND REPLIES, "CUZ SOMEBODY TOOK A $HIT BEHIND IT!"

[Don]

Now we know

[Dilligaf]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the moms pulls out her bag and starts flipping through pictures and reminiscing. This is my oldest son, Mohammed. He would be 24 now."
The other mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
Mom says, "He's a martyr now."
"Oh, so sad, my dear."
Mom flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Kalid. He would be 21."
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
Mom sighs, "He's a martyr, too."
"Oh gracious me," says the second mother.
"And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed.! He would be 18." Mom whispers.
"Yes," says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr also" Mom says, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos and says,
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Don]

Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of Nuggets
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29491384

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Woman Calls 911 After McDonald's Runs Out Of Nuggets
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29491384

Glad you posted this... I was about ready to call 911 and file a "Missing McRib" report since I have not seen one in months!!

[Don]

Where is my damed nuggets!!!!!
That it, I'm calling the cops.

Cheryl and I were dying we laughed so hard.

[Dilligaf]

I Know my Math.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her..

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.

'Man, that guy is stupid,' I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper 

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.  That brings the total number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. 

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. 

That's 642. 

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.

That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.

  That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing. 

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger? 

I don't think so.

[Dilligaf]

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

  The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"


Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"


The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.


The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg  ,  Germany .

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an20ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a  response.


Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.


He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the  young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"



The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a Congressman for the U.S.  Government", says  Bud.


"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"


  "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of
dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter.  This is a herd of sheep. ...



Now give me back my dog.

[Dilligaf]

DAVID LETTERMAN IN TROUBLE WITH NASCAR & NAACP
       
I'll bet Dave Letterman does get some 'flak' from the NAACP.
       
Al Sharpton and the Rev Jackson will go nuts !!!
       
David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
       
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.
       
# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.
       
# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.
       
# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time..
       
# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.
       
# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.
       
# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.
       
# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.
       
# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.
       
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............
       
# 1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

 

[Don]

Here an odd one


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs</a>

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Here an odd one


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs</a>

LMFAO!!!!   

[Don]

Benjamin showed me that one.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Benjamin showed me that one.

I knew I liked him for a reason when I meet him at your house!!!     I could sense the "Dark Side" in him!!!   

[Rick G]

Here an odd one


<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TywmpMQYojs</a>

Great song, she was HOT!!!

[VolksDragen]

Wal-Mart announced today that they’ll soon be offering customers yet another new discount item, their own brand of wine. The world’s largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California to produce their spirits at an affordable price.

Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand into their shopping carts, but “there is strong market demand for cheap wine“, said Jane Weldon, professor of Wal-Mart’s marketing division. “However,” she added “Choosing the right names are important for building brandability and loyalty.”

Customer surveys were conducted to determine the most attractive names for the Wal-Mart house brand wines. The top surveyed names in, order of popularity, include:

Chateau Traileur Parc
White Trashfindel
Peanut Noir
I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!
Grape Expectations
Nasti Spumante
Big Red Gulp
World Championship Riesling
NASCARbernet
Chef Boyardeaux
Pricing is expected to be in the $3-5 range and will be offered in the box and bottle. If production goes smoothly, expect to find Wal-Mart’s self-branded wine on the shelves sometime next never.

What'd You Think?

[Kimbo]

LOL, love the Nasti Spumante !!

Had a guy that worked with me a couple of years ago who had his own still (naturally only producing distilled water......) and his produce was labelled "Big T*ts and The Bald Guys", coz he was bald and she had....

Kimbo

[Dilligaf]

To Be 6 Again..
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife,
looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not
far off he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. 'I'd
like to be six again', she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to
Six Flags theme park. What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall
of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy
Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into
bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being six again?'

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. 'I
meant my dress size, you retard!!!!'

The moral of the story:
Even when a man is listening,
he is gonna get it wrong.

[VolksDragen]

So true - So true 

[62RadRedRag]

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife,
'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would
take a few inches off of your butt!'


His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a
comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer.
'What the Hell is this??' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud
appeared when he shook them out.  'Phyllis,' he hollered into the
bathroom, 'why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?'


She replied ...'It's not talcum powder......It's Miracle Grow.'

Great joke