Joke of the day

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. Their favorite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime -- Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor man takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"


****************************************************************************************


A new teacher tries to make use of her psychology courses. The first day of class, she starts by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stands up. The teacher asks, "Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself."



*****************************************************************************************


A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven."

Mary answers, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!"

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

"Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'"


*****************************************************************************************


On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light, and next to him was Johnny on his shiny new bike.
The cop said to the Johhny, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Johhny said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike."

The cop then proceeded to issue Johhny a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

Johhny took the ticket.

Before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring Johhny, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

Johhny said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[Cailleac Bhuer]

http://comedians.comedycentral.com/jeff-dunham/videos/jeff-dunham---letter-to-santa

[VolksDragen]

http://comedians.comedycentral.com/jeff-dunham/videos/jeff-dunham---letter-to-santa

Hee hee, Golly That wus hill-arious 

[Kimbo]

A new life motto...

[Cailleac Bhuer]

A new life motto...

AH, you found my self-portrait ahahahha

[Kimbo]

.. LOL and strangely enough, I suspected that might be your response !!

[Cailleac Bhuer]

ha ha ha ha ha!!!


 I should use it as my avatar.....

[Don]

Blow into the iBreath and your iPod plays a blood-alcohol alert
Don Bassler / David Steele Enterprises
The iBreath’s maker hopes the iPod’s cool factor will override the stigma of using a breathalyzer.
The accessory's maker hopes the iPod's cool factor will overcome any stigma of being responsible and using a breathalyzer.

The rest
http://www.latimes.com/technology/la-fi-idrunk19-2008dec19,0,6425933.story

[Cailleac Bhuer]

That's funny but I know a lot of parents of teenagers who will be getting one....

Even funnier is a story link on that page, "Schwarzenegger orders mass layoffs, unpaid furloughs
"  excerpt: Schwarzenegger attempted a few months ago to unilaterally reduce the pay of state employees, but his order never took effect. State Controller John Chiang said the state's payroll system was incapable of carrying it out.

  Arnold is a joke.

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Popcorn season beware

ok,  I decide it is a popcorn stringing night.  am making the popcorn , lid a bit a jar to allow steam escape when a flipping 500+ degree kernal ricochets out of pan, under lid and hits me in the mouth as it explodes. UGH!  Orville Redenbacher, I am hunting you down man, hunting you and your grave down!  OWCH!  (Oh, I could be a wimp and file a class action claim, yeah, thats the ticket... NOT!)

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Latest from the Redneck DIY channel... "How to convert your riding mower into a world-class racer".  This episode will air Christmas day, and feature "Bugtussle Racing", and their 12 bhp turbo/NOS equipped LawnBoy "rider".  This is a must see episode!!

[VolksDragen]

Hit the NOS.... Duck and run!!
The redneck show title sould be "How to mow ur lawn in 3.5 seconds

[VolksDragen]

Number One Idiot of 2008
 
 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
 Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants.
 I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
 
She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
  Number Two Idiot of 2008
  Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s.
 
  They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home.
  Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them.
  It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
 
  They are no longer employed at Boeing .
  Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Number Three Idiot of 2008
  A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America,  walked into the Branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.'
 
 While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window.
 
So he left the Bank of  America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank.
 
After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo  teller.
 
She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left.

He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of  America          .

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Number Four Idiot of 2008

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated  speed trap
That measured his speed using radar and photographed his car.
 
He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car.
 
Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs.
He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ But you still get a sign

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Number Five Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer.  After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.  He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.'
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him.  At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag.

The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.  They arrested the robber two hours later.
 
This guy definitely needs a sign.
 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Idiot Number Six of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!'
When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
 
This guy doesn't even deserve a sign
 
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Idiot Number Seven of 2008
Arkansas :  Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd  just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.

He lifted the cinder block and heaved it  over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
 
Yep, here's your sign
 
  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
Idiot Number Eight of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area. ( Weyauwega , Wisconsin)
We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.
 
           ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
   STAY ALERT! 

   They walk among us...

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Redneck DIY Network caught the Bugtussle racing team at it again.  This time it is their "Bar Stool Racers".  In the first shot you see Jasper Bugtussle in the "Hill Climb" event.  The second pic is the "Bugtussle Cruiser" with the L84 option package which includes 8-track "stereo" and the "Beer Trailer".  Check out Redneck DIY to buy these killer machines!!!

[corrosion]

 The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time.
 
The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.
 
The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants.
 
The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine
him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to
turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!'
mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he
asked the midget to cough again.
 
Aha!' said the doctor again, and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left
side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with
amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if
his testicles still hurt.
 
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his
testicles were no longer aching.
 
The doctor said, 'How does that feel now?'

The midget replied, 'Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?


The doctor replied....... 'I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy
boots.'

 

[VolksDragen]

The Redneck history channel is proud to announce the original Redneck sport highlights. Classic Swamp Buggy racin'

Pic #1 - My kinda Women:
Pic #2 - It don't get no better than this:
Pic #3 - The grand national winner - Wilbur J. Fudpucker:

[VolksDragen]

Actual Ebay listing heading: 

ROBBINS ALUMINUM LIGHTNING RODS w BLUE BALLS- PAIR -OLD

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

I hate when my lightning rods have blue balls.  It makes the house look tacky.

[VolksDragen]

I hate when my lightning rods have blue balls.  It makes the house look tacky.

And to top it off - There an Old pair

[VolksDragen]

REDNECK PLAYSTATION  It's interactive!!

http://majman.net/fly_loader.html

[Cailleac Bhuer]

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use ‘Big People ‘ words,’ she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend. ‘I went to visit my Nana’. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use ‘Big People’ words!’
She then asked Mitchell what he had done ‘I took a ride on a choo-choo’. She said. ‘No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use ‘Big People’ words’.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? ‘I read a book’ he replied. ‘That’s WONDERFUL!’ the teacher said. ‘What book did you read?’ I love this….. Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said…… ‘Winnie the SH!T.’

[mrbajadude]

Hey Ms. D, ya done did it again. thanx honey, Ol' John

[VolksDragen]

VW powered? E-mail said it does 75 mph! Air cooled and Air powered - sweet

[Cailleac Bhuer]

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be the Man of Your House."

He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law.  You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want. Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?'"


The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess."

[Dilligaf]

What do Le$bians use for chewing tobacco?

Tuna!