Joke of the day

[Cailleac Bhuer]

hee hee he Volks, those were funny!




OH!!!! I found a new action figure for the kiddies.....


CRAZY CAT LADY ACTION FIGURE 
 
 
Every town has a Crazy Cat Lady! She's the one who lives in a tiny house full of felines. Don't be scared of the wild look in her eye! The crazy Cat Lady comes with six cute kitties.

See what happens when you don't give your mother grandchildren!


 
 
 

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Redneck Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas,and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

[VolksDragen]

LOL   I really like that p!$$ed off cat

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Great Christmas idea for those in the "sticks".

[VIN]

this was on azbaja

[VWolverine]

[Rick G]

this was on azbaja

Driver visibility looks a little sketchy. do they jiggle when it goes off road?

[VolksDragen]

Hey Talon, Does WAL-MART carry those remote control rafts? I'd like to purchase a few fer my family Looks like they used Grandmas washboard for a deck!

[VolksDragen]

The Redneck DIY network is at it again, Today's feature is "Pimp my couch"
This beauty is made with the finest red/pink velvet and diamond tuck one can find, This 1973 vintage piece is sure to be a hit for your next after dinner party (due to it's size it may not fit in a single wide mobil home) This example was emailed to us by one of our viewers - Billy-bob and Bubba Smith.
Enjoy!

[lemorris]

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"
 

[VolksDragen]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed,sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says. "I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says,"Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door.

Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closetfloor.

You rotten @#*%#$, "says the husband,"my wife's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!!

[VolksDragen]

Deserted blonde's life or death decision:

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

The newest Space Shuttle "Bubba" prepares for launch.

[VolksDragen]

LOL -  I just saw the redneck shuttle pic the other day

[VolksDragen]

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE REDNECK DIY NETWORK!
To ring in the Holiday spirit, we have introduced the budget Do-it-yer-self tree.
Materials needed:
(1) 7' - 2x4
(1) car wheel (plenty of them lay'in around the yard)
(194) soda cans (if you don't have soda cans, Pabst cans work real good)
(2) strings-o lights
(1) 2-litre soda bottle
(194) bicycle spokes
Total cost:
Lights - $2.99 from Wal-mart, Everything else is FREE! (from junk lay'in around the mobile home park!)
These trees really spruce up th front yard too!!
Please call for your instruction pictures for assembly (don't worry thar are no words to have to read)

[Scottie]

It looks better lite up!

[VolksDragen]

ROTF    Scottie,  we hadn't the generator hooked up yet!!

I see you've been surfin the redneck sites too

[Neil]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...



> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------



I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

---------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

--------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

---------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

----------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...



----------------------------------------------------



I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

----------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

The Redneck DIY Network is at it again!!  This time is the "Outdoor Entertainment Center"!!
Just in time for the NFL/BCS playoff season, and NASCAR!! This system offers two TVs (one for NFL/BCS, and the other for the new NASCAR season)!  It is also equiped with the latest Radio Shack Surround Sound Stereo, Rocky the Remote Protecting Robot, built in beer fridge, and puke bucket.  This will be a top Post-Holiday big ticket buy!!

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

My buddy Cleatus Bugtussle wanted to submit a picture of his "Family Deerstand" to the Redneck DIY network.  This beauty will accommodate up to 10 people.  It is equipped with a Weber charcoal grill (dual pourpose, heat/cookin vittles!!), 9 inch black and white TV, and a "drop-down" septic system for the toilet.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Too Funny!!

How to Poop at Work
   
   We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back
   in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as
   we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For
   those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for
   taking a dump at work.
   
   *CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so
   the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't
   know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the
   full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the
   smell has left your pants.
   
   *FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and
   check for other poopers. If t here are others in the bathroom, leave and
   come back again. Be carefu l not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
   become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
   
   *ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in
   a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If
   you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
   happen.  If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
   pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
   uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties
   feel uneasy.
   
   *JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun
   pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
   should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left
   the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
   
   *COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop
   hits the water. This red uces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up
   the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
   SHAME.
   
   *WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after
   you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
   if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
   that the smell does not exist.. Can be avoided with the use of the
   COURTESY FLUSH.
   
   *OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone
   proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the
   bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.. Always look
   around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the
   bathroom.
   
   *THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band
   together to ensure emergency poopin goes off without incident. This
   group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers,
   and identify SAFE HAVENS.
   
   *SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you
   can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
   opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering
   the bathroom.
   
   *TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall
   and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
   vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this
   occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you
   will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
   
   *CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
   bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON,
   or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction
   with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
   
   *SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential
   Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall . This will remove all doubt
   that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
   immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
   
   *WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
   water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon
   coming on, create a diversion.. See CAMO-COUGH.
   
   *HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
   splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a
   CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
   
   *AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever....Could
   spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
   pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as
   you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
   you as well as the other bathroom attendees
   
   
   
   SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF
   
   The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It
   doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from
   straining so hard.
   
   Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much yo u lose 5 lbs.
   
   Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
   
   Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush,
   it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually
   happens at someone else's house.
   
   The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before
   it falls into the water.
   
   The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so
   long your legs go numb from the waist down.
   
   The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're
   trapped in your car in a traffic jam..
   
   The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you
   flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
   
   The Hershey Kiss Poop = The heavy poop that hits the water and sends up
   a 'kiss' right in your private eye.
   
   The Ghost Poop = After you poop, you go to wipe and there's nothing
   there.
   
   NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A
   NATURAL PROCESS !!!

[VolksDragen]

Uh oh Talon, You've cought the Redneck DIY bug  
Keep 'em coming

[VolksDragen]

Ohhh POOP, I just spit all over my screen!! My sides are hurting from laughing (or pooping) too much

[VolksDragen]

Tck - huh, "Daddy, Like this stupid car you gave me, Like it just fell over, This is so not happening to me,  And like Im late getting my Expresso latte peppermint frappe moca, And like I broke a nail" " I think im going to cry now Daddy"
"Daddy Like can you bring me a new car now, Tck. This one's broke"

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Like, LOL!!  OMG, For sure!!!   

http://tts.imtranslator.net/3Tst

http://tts.imtranslator.net/3Tsz