Joke of the day

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

OMG..  I never thought I'd find a redneck dog!!!  LMFAO!!!   

[Don]

http://www.mulletsgalore.com/

[VolksDragen]

http://www.mulletsgalore.com/

Mullet Mullitia!! Don that site is frikken hillarious!!! 
You need to update the SMILIES to includs a MULLET smily!!!!!!!
               
                                             
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[Cailleac Bhuer]

Washington, DC (Reuters) -- A tragic and sad fire has destroyed the
personal library of President George W. Bush. Both of his books have
been lost. The president is reportedly devastated - apparently, he had
not finished coloring the second one.

[VolksDragen]

Talon...
Just got my other car out of the body shop, Only cost $19.95 to fix (i have to buy some krylon and finish myself though) I hope i can match the paint!!

[VolksDragen]

VolksDragen,

I just got my limo out of the shop!!  We could hook up and reap the $$ at the Redneck Family Reunions/Weddings!!  

The lovley couple is ready for the LIMO now

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Seven Degrees of a Blonde

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2in the morning.

The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."



SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street.

One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.

She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.

Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.

She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs.Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."



SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman.

[VolksDragen]

Here's the Lovley couple + 1 a few years later!
I just love 'Mini-Mullet'

[Rick G]

VolksDragen,

I just got my limo out of the shop!!  We could hook up and reap the $$ at the Redneck Family Reunions/Weddings!!  

The lovley couple is ready for the LIMO now

I saw that picture in our Sunday paper a few weeks ago!

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Talon...
Just got my other car out of the body shop, Only cost $19.95 to fix (i have to buy some krylon and finish myself though) I hope i can match the paint!!

I need to go to that body shop when I pick up my Single Cab!!!

[VolksDragen]

Talon...
Just got my other car out of the body shop, Only cost $19.95 to fix (i have to buy some krylon and finish myself though) I hope i can match the paint!!

I need to go to that body shop when I pick up my Single Cab!!!

Please show pic's !!!! I can't wait

[Cailleac Bhuer]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.

On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire
engine traveling at the same speed as you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your
car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the
same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

(Answer below)












































































Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round." You're drunk.
__________________

[Cailleac Bhuer]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Don is hired at TheTickle Me Elmo factory and he reports for his first day promptly at 8:00AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that he is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line sits Don, surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

He has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as he cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.
After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and
approaches Don saying. "I'm sorry Don," he says  barely able to keep a
straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave
you yesterday..."





"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles"  HHAHAHHAHAHA I am sorry, I couldn't resist....

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Well, I did a test run on my Thanksgiving day turkey, thanks to my "Redneck Gormay" cookbook, she is a beauty!!! 

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Well, I did a test run on my Thanksgiving day turkey, thanks to my "Redneck Gormay" cookbook, she is a beauty!!! 

Um, that is really perverted Talon  LMAO

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Motivational Poster!!

[Cailleac Bhuer]

Wow, what a S.A.  hahahaha

[Cailleac Bhuer]

ANd of course the traditional:

[Kimbo]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.

Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!

T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in that coffee shop again!'

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

LMFAO   Starbucks rules!!!!!   

[Cailleac Bhuer]

LMFAO   Starbucks rules!!!!!   

I haven't given Starbucks my business since they refused to send coffee over to our troops stating they don't support the war.  They have every right not to support the war, but pushing those just doing their job and protecting our country while chancing losing life and limb, well that was just wrong in my opinion.

Joke is funny as all get go though, every time I see it.

[VolksDragen]

LMFAO   Starbucks rules!!!!!   

I haven't given Starbucks my business since they refused to send coffee over to our troops stating they don't support the war.  They have every right not to support the war, but pushing those just doing their job and protecting our country while chancing losing life and limb, well that was just wrong in my opinion.

Joke is funny as all get go though, every time I see it.

Well said, Id like nothing more to see our guys and gals to come home!

[VolksDragen]

Hee -Hee

[VolksDragen]

Some are old, some new but all funny

 
When I got home last night, my wife  demanded that I take her someplace expensive....
So, I took her to a  gas station.....
And then the fight started....


**** 
My  wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were  in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do  you want to have sex?"
"No,"  she answered.
I  then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She  didn't even look at me this time, simply saying  "Yes."
So I  said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And  then the fight started....

********
After retiring, I went to the Social  Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the  counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in  my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman  that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back  later
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt  revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your  chest is proof enough for me'
And she processed my Social Security  application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my  experience at the
Social Security office.
She said, 'You should  have dropped your pants. You might have gotten  Disability, too' 
And then the fight started.....

****
Saturday morning I got up  early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped  quietly into the garage .
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and  proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing  50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and  discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the  house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to  my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The  weather out there is terrible.'
My loving wife of 10 years replied,  'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's  how the fight started ...

****
My wife and I were sitting at a table  at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady  swigging her drink as she sat alone at
A nearby table.
My wife  asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I  understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many & years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says  my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' 
And then the fight started.....

****
I rear-ended a car this  morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other  driver got out
of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo  stressed and
Little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't  believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up  at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY! !!'
So, I looked down at him  and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight  started.....

**** 
I took my wife to a restaurant. The  waiter, for some reason, took my order  first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium  rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the  mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for  herself.'
And then the fight  started.....

**** 
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is  not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel  horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a  compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near  perfect.'
And then the fight started.....


 

[VolksDragen]

Redneck Information
 
TIPS FROM THE REDNECK  BOOK OF MANNERS
 
 
 
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
 
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
 
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
 
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
 
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
Considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
 
 
*** DINING OUT ***
 
1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
Fingers covering the Label.
 
2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant
May not have dogs.
 
 
*** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME ***
 
 
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
Taxidermist.
 
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his
Manners are.
 
 
*** PERSONAL HYGIENE ***
 
 
 
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
Done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
 
 
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
 
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend
To detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
 
 
 
*** DATING (Outside the Family) ***
 
 
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
 
 
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
Go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years
Ago."
 
 
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
Say! 10:00 PM; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
It is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
 
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as,
"ya sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."
 
 
*** WEDDINGS ***
 
 
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
 
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
 
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with cummerbund
And a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.
 
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this Special
Occasion.
 
5. It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the
Sack.
 
 
*** DRIVING ETIQUETTE ***
 
 
 
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; even if the gun is
Loaded, and the deer is in sight.
 
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
Always has the right of way.
 
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
 
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
To ask her to bring back beer.
 
5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
 
6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.