Joke of the day

[Cailleac Bhuer]

 

[Gunner]

                      Don worked in a pickle factory
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife the he had a terrible compulsion...   

         He had an urge to stick his Schlong into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggest that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Don said he would be to embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

       One day a few weeks later, Don came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

        "What's wrong, Don?" she asked.

     Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my Schlong into the pickle slicer?

    Oh, Don, you didn't she exclaimed.

    Yes, I did he replied

    My God, Don, what happend?

    "I got fired"

     No Don, I mean what happend with the pickle slicer?



            Oh..... she got fired too.

[Don]

Don't tell Cheryl.

[Cailleac Bhuer]

<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRiYkwtBK34" target="_blank">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PRiYkwtBK34</a>
not a joke, but pretty funny...

[Don]

Those were good.

[corrosion]

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 75 mph
With her
Face up next to her
rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
for a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much that
I dropped
My electric shaver,
which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all   
the confusion of trying   
to straighten out the car
using my knees against   
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear,
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.


Damn women drivers!!
 
               

[lemorris]

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya
after graduating from Northwestern University .
 
                                On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed
distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
 
                                He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As
carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting
knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned
to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for
several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being
trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.
Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
 
                                Twenty years later, Peter was walking through
the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant
enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and
his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted
its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that
several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
 
                                Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter
couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his
courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked
right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass
against the railing, killing him instantly.
                                               
 
 
                                Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Far-From-Nugen]

For those who don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
 
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
 
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent.

[Rick G]

I would think that would have lit the fuse on the ...   oh well never mind

[Cailleac Bhuer]

This morning on the Interstate,

I looked over to my left and there was a
Woman
In a brand new
Cadillac
Doing 75 mph
With her
Face up next to her
rear view mirror
Putting on her eyeliner.

I looked away
for a couple seconds!
And when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane,
still working on that makeup.

As a man,
I don't scare easily.


But she scared me so much that
I dropped
My electric shaver,
which knocked
The donut
Out of my other hand.

In all   
the confusion of trying   
to straighten out the car
using my knees against   
the steering wheel,
it knocked
my cell phone
away from my ear,
which fell,
into the coffee
between my legs,
splashed,
and burned
Big Jim and the Twins,


Ruined the damn phone,
soaked my trousers,
and disconnected an
important call.


Damn women drivers!!
 
               

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!

[Far-From-Nugen]

[buggdude]

thats funny as hell i lived there for a while and am moving back soon.   

[Don]

I giggled!!!!!!!

[Cailleac Bhuer]

thats funny as hell i lived there for a while and am moving back soon.   

Ok, I have driven through there (WY) and stayed there a bit even on my trips back and forth between ND and CA and I can say is WHY?

[buggdude]

thats funny as hell i lived there for a while and am moving back soon.   

Ok, I have driven through there (WY) and stayed there a bit even on my trips back and forth between ND and CA and I can say is WHY?

first time i was in school now my wife got a job there and north of I-80 things get better. but everything along 80 blows...i mean is very wind and desolate 

[corrosion]

It took me a while to read through the entire post, you will see why when you get through it.

Corrosion.



The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's Schlong is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.


 

[Cailleac Bhuer]

thats funny as hell i lived there for a while and am moving back soon.   

Ok, I have driven through there (WY) and stayed there a bit even on my trips back and forth between ND and CA and I can say is WHY?

first time i was in school now my wife got a job there and north of I-80 things get better. but everything along 80 blows...i mean is very wind and desolate 

Yeah seems to me once I pass Las Vegas it is quite desolate even in Utah, then the turn onto the 80 and the over the great divide is killer, still nothing out there. 
Where I live n CA is quite windy at times,  and where I lived in ND was even more so, town had a whooping population of 100, well 98 now .  It was at least 90 minutes to the closest town with real stores....

[Far-From-Nugen]

Look what i started... WHY-OMING Jokes I know.... im the "king of Korny" here.
Ahhh, Home on the range  

[Far-From-Nugen]

It took me a while to read through the entire post, you will see why when you get through it.

Corrosion.



The largest cell in the human body is the female egg and the smallest is the male sperm.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's Schlong is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Men who read this are probably still busy checking their thumbs.


 

I was wondering why me thumbs were longer than my index finger

[Don]

Look what i started... WHY-OMING Jokes I know.... im the "king of Korny" here.
Ahhh, Home on the range 

Me in Why-oming, I really liked it in the summer.

[Far-From-Nugen]

Dumb blond (true story, I got to witness her in her full blondness!)
As I was sitting in my dub at the red light with one vehicle in front of me, I noticed a blond in a 4x4 (first mistake) She was in the left turn lane on the cross street, ( in california some left turns are ok on green after oncoming traffic has passed)
not to be mean, but seeing a blond in a 4x4 i thought something may catch my eye.
sure enough, She pulled out about halfway into the intersection, and when the light turned red on her she freaked and stopped and started panicing and waved the vehicle to go in front of me and then started flapping her arms in discussed to her self while sitting in the middle of the intersection with a red light, I got a good chuckle out of that one  (hey at least she wasn't on a cell phone, there would have been a 47 car pile-up!

[Far-From-Nugen]

Catch a drunk driver:

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?", asked Bubba, "Just let me do the talkin', OK?," said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight & put label on each of their foreheads.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No, sir," said Earl while pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[Far-From-Nugen]

Redneck medical terms:

[Far-From-Nugen]

A Fly-by mooning!

[buggdude]

A Fly-by mooning!