Joke of the day

[Far-From-Nugen]

Hey... If Wal-mart headquarters is located in Arkansas, Why isn't it called "Yall-Mart"


A newspaper article interview with a woman, she said " I like shoppin' at the Dollar Tree, Ya' don't havta get all dressed up like yur goin' to Wal-mart.

[corrosion]

It's Friday!!!!

There was a church down in Texas that had a very big-busted organist.

Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
 
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

One of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons,
and rub them on her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size
but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons though because they are so sour,
they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

She  agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up on the pulpit and  said:

'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol we will not hath a thermon tewday.'

[corrosion]

Sex


The mother of a
17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter
was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant
and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the
family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful
and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in
rebellion .
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth
control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of
condoms .

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date,
the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of
condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother
saying :

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm
dating Susan!'

[corrosion]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small Schlong.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him
pancakes . That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm
pan cakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father.
 

[corrosion]

Watch out, I'm on a roll!

[corrosion]

Dear Tide,

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative! , to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered as a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. 

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.

Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.   

[corrosion]

The Zen of Sarcasm




 



01. Do not walk behind me, for I may no t  lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone .

 

02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire .

 

03. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

 

04. Don't be irreplaceable . If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

 

05. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else .

 

06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet .

 

07. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments .

 

08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes .

 

09 . If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

 

10 . Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day .

 

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

 

12 . If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

 

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield .

 

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them .

 

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket .

 

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot .

 

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together .

 

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works .

 

19 . Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving .

 

20.  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it .

 

21 . Never miss a good chance to shut up .

 

                                             AND

22 . Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night .

[Far-From-Nugen]

An Iraqi husband and wife were walking down the road one day, And a Marine walked up the the husband and asked why is your wife walking in front of you? Are'nt the woman supposed to walk behind the man showing respect for him??   The man calmly replied... Land mines 

[corrosion]

A  little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large
plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags ripped, and every
once in a while, a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this,
a policeman stopped her, and said, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of your bag.'

'Oh, really?  Darn it!' said the little old lady. 'I'd better go back,
and see if  I can find them. Thanks for telling me.'
'Well, now,  not so fast,' said the cop. 'Where did you get all that
money? You  didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no, no', said the old  lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come
and pee through a  knot hole in the fence, right into my flower garden.
It used to  really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I
thought,  'why not make the best of it?' So, now, on game days, I stand
behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my garden pruners.
Every time some guy sticks his pecker through my fence, I surprise
him, and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.' '

'Well, that seems only fair, ' said the cop, laughing. 'OK. Good  luck!
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', said the little old lady, 'not everybody  pays.'   

[Far-From-Nugen]

How many of you are reading or posting this thread while you are supposed to be working?
Does your boss know what you are doing on the internet?  Are you always thinking about your VDUb?  Are you on Chirco's site more than your work program?  Oh crap I gotta go, the boss is..........

[Don]

The boss know's I read thread during work.

[Far-From-Nugen]

Your wife Don?    just kiddin' 

Ahhh the bennys of being the boss...

[Don]

Your wife Don?    just kiddin' 

Ahhh the bennys of being the boss...

You got it

[VIN]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

 The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

 The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'I'm-peckable' (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

 The two flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'I'm-peckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

 Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

 After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.

[Far-From-Nugen]

This pic is a "JOKE"  - No pledge of allegiance to the Flag or Country.
Presidental material???     Oops, sorry i got political

[buggdude]

if he gets elected he probably won't last long anyway. not that i wish that on him but some dumb kkk redneck won't deal with a non white president

[Far-From-Nugen]

Hate to say it too, Many don't know his religious background, he predends to be Christian to the public, That alone don't fly well after 9-11

Oh well I think it's time to tell a Joke!      .....anyone?

[buggdude]

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

[buggdude]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father"

[Far-From-Nugen]

THE SOUTH, YOU GOTTA LOVE IT Y'ALL
Alabama

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his

pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, 'Why are you dumping

garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head'.

Yep', he replied. 'That's why I'ma dumpin it here, cause it says

'Fine For Dumping Garbage'.


Louisiana

A senior at LSU was overheard saying... 'When the end of the
world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana.' When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.


Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, 'Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!'

Bubba replied, 'Did you see who it was?'

The young man answered, 'I couldn't tell, but I got his license number.'


Georgia

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75.

The trooper asked, 'Got any I. D.?'

The driver replied, 'Bout whut?'



TENNESSEE

A man in Tennessee had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, 'I got a flat tare.'

The passerby asked, 'But what's with the flowers?'

The man responded, 'When you break down they tell ya to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither.'


ARKANSAS

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the North!

[Rick G]

Thank you for leaving South Carolina out of it

[VIN]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father"

what the hell...

[buggdude]

There once was a little boy who was celebrating his 11th birthday.

He decided to test his family to see if they remembered his birthday, so he goes downstairs to his father. "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today", the boy said.

The father has no clue and finally gives up. "I'm eleven!" the boy exclaims.

Next he goes in the kitchen, walks up to his grandma, and says, "Bet cha' can't guess how old I am today".

"Let me give it a guess", grandma says and sticks her hand in his trousers.

She plays with his testicles for about an hour or so (squeezing them; moving them back and forth), takes her hand out of his trousers, and says, "You're eleven years old".

"How did you know?" the boy asked.

Grandma replied, "I heard you tell your father"

what the hell...

sorry were you the 11 year old boy in the story

[Far-From-Nugen]

Thank you for leaving South Carolina out of it

Got any California jokes?  - Arnold jokes?  Snobby rich jokes?  Id love to hear them!  Im a California native and yes I admit theres plenty of crap to joke about this state!!

[VIN]

sorry were you the 11 year old boy in the story

i was 9 1/2, damn it!!