Joke of the day

[corrosion]

Anything for you General!

Here is another one.

THE LITTLE OLD LADY IN COURT. . .
 
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.
 
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what
happened the night of April 1st?
 
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes
creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
 
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.


Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
 
Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.
 
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
 
Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.
 
Defense Attorney: Why not?
 
Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since
Abner died some 30 years ago.
 
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
 

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.
 
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.
 
Defense Attorney: Why not?
 
Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and
excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?
 
Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy"that
I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man. Take me!"
 
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
 
Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!" And
that's when I shot him, the little My Loving Puppy.

[Rick G]

Free Kittens


Little Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was trying to

Give away, so she had them out on the street corner with a sign

"FREE KITTENS" next to them.



Suddenly a long line of big black cars came up with a policeman

On a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man

Stepped out from the biggest car. "Hi, little girl, what do you

Have there in the box?" he asked.



"Kittens" Little Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes

Are not even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"Democrats" says Little Suzy. The tall man smiled, returned

To his car and they drove away.

Sensing a good photo opportunity, Sen. Obama called his campaign

Manager and told him about the little girl with the kittens.

It was planned that they would return the next day, have all the

Media there and tell everyone about these "Democrat" kittens.

The next day, Little Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box of

Kittens with the sign "FREE KITTENS" and the big motorcade of black

Cars pulled up with all the vans and trucks from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.


Everyone had their cameras ready and then Sen. Obama got out of his limo

And walked up to Little Suzy. "Now don't be frightened," he said, I just

Want you to tell all these nice news people just what kind of kittens

You're giving away today."



"Yes sir," Suzy said, "they are all "REPUBLICAN" kittens."


Taken by surprise, Sen. Obama said, "But yesterday you told me

They were "DEMOCRATS."





Little Suzy says, "Yes, I know. But today, they have their eyes open."

[corrosion]

A woman was in a coma.  She had been in it for  months.
 
Nurses were in her room giving her a bath.
 
One of them was washing her private parts and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor when 
she touched the patient 'down there.'
 
They tried it again and sure enough, there was sizable movement on the monitor.
 
They went to her husband and  explained what happened,
telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral   
sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.'
 
The husband was skeptical, but they assured
him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
 
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined.
No pulse, no heart rate, nothing.
 
The nurses ran back into the room.
'What happened?' 
 
The husband said, 'I'm not sure... maybe she   choked.'   

[VIN]

 

[corrosion]

For all of you in education, with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~ a reminder that adult words are often taken literally... ..

'Circumcised'

(this is priceless!)

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.

She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.

'I thought I told you to call your mom!' she said.
 
'I did,' he said, 'And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[corrosion]

  A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.  He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.  Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders.  Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.  He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.  He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
 
"They're mating," her father replied.
 
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
 
"That's a Daddy Longlegs," her father answered.
 
"So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
 
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear.  Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
 
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying "Well, we're not having any of that
brokeback mountain crap in our garden."

Kinda brings a tear to the eye doesn't it.
 

[corrosion]

Subject: [Fwd: Fw: Ground Crew Humor]
      These are pretty funny!       After every flight, UPS pilots fill
out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about
problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems,
document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the
gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P)
and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance
engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S:  Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the
best one for  last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[buggdude]

Weeniepit

i can't believe you said that

[corrosion]

Boy, I didn't see that one coming.  I got edited! 

[buggdude]

Boy, I didn't see that one coming.  I got edited! 

i didn't know we had an editor for stuff like that i just tried to type the real word and got denied too, weird

[corrosion]

Oh well, at least someone is paying attention

[Don]

The forum has an auto editor for certian words.
I programed it in the ass end of the store.
It is unforgiving.

[corrosion]

The redneck and his dog........
 
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the
shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a
policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
 
The redneck said it was his.
 
'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
 
The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
 
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
 
'No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'' The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants to have sex!'
 
(You gotta love this)
 
The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.
 

[corrosion]

Must be Friday.

 

A kindergarten teacher asks her class, “What vegetable makes eyes water?”

One boy raises his hand and says, “An eggplant.”

“No,” says the teacher. “An onion.”

“An onion?” asks the boy. “Ever been hit in the balls with an eggplant?”

 

[corrosion]

The forum has an auto editor for certian words.
I programed it in the ass end of the store.
It is unforgiving.

Hey, thats not fair!

[Don]

I always wanted a police dog ;0

[Don]

Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still
cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the
butt and having the balls to say: You're next, fatty.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately
result in death.

[corrosion]

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," Bubba said, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down.

Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.

Junior shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

[Don]

Here is what my son and saw at the store last night.
Don't want to spill those fries.

[Neil]

That rocks!!  I'm gonna get one and mount it on the dash in the baja!

[Rick G]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights
go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow
turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know S  H  I  T?
 

[Rick G]

Sometimes the filters can ruin a joke

[buggdude]

damn filter

[VIN]

shitty filter

[BDD]

How you can tell you've ticked off an engineer!