Joke of the day

[Don]

Sounds like my kids.

[Rick G]

A tribnute to New York Governor Spitzer

http://wvoc.com/cc-common/news/videos/player.html?loc=1&pimg=&redir=yes

[VIN]

wasnt she charging like $5000 an hour???

[Rick G]

I've been wondering what she could do that was worth that much an hour, but at 48 years old and a little out of shape, I'd be a little scared to find out first hand.

[corrosion]

It's Friday and time for a joke volley!

An elderly gentleman...
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the
doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that
you can hear again.'
The gentleman replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will
three times!'

[corrosion]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench
under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years
old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my
age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

[corrosion]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being
discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase
at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to
the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing
out of her hospital gown.'

[corrosion]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks..
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she
asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write
it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it
down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness
sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon
and eggs.. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast ?'

[corrosion]

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer.'

[corrosion]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a
gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're
really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur;
be careful.'

[corrosion]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath,
he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

[corrosion]

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.

And just like that...       
 
 
 
.....her ears fell off.

[corrosion]

Joe and Don,

I'm sure you guys could use this lesson.

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ yo u're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ di dn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

[mrbajadude]

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

'God... If you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' She prayed.

And just like that...       
 
 
 
.....her ears fell off.

So phuckin phunny, roflmaopmk,Ol' John

[corrosion]

Fast Eddie

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this
really cute, really hot girl in his office... But
she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her
and said, "I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex
with you...

The girl looked at him, and then said, "NO!"

Eddie said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money
on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the
time you've picked it up."
 
 
She thought for a moment and said that she
would consult with her boyfriend...So she called him and
explained the situation.
   
Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, and pick up
the money really fast. He won't even be a ble to get
his pants down."

She agreed and accepts the proposal.
 
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still
waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45
minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, "What
happened...?"

Still breathing hard, she managed to
reply,
 
     "The bassterd had all quarters!"
                   
 Management lesson: Always consider a business
 proposition in it's entiretety before agreeing to it
 and getting screwed!

[Andrew]

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro-English (Euro for short). In the first year, 's' will be used instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard 'c' will be replaced with 'k.' Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced by 'f'. This will make words like 'fotograf' 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' by 'z' and 'W' by 'V'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou', and similar changes vud of kors; be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil b no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

[corrosion]

NINE!

[Andrew]

A programmer and an engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away, and tries to sleep. The programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I'll ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "OK, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $50!" Now, that got the engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The programmer asks the first question, "what is the distance from the earth to the moon?" The engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the programmer $5.

Now, it's the engineer's turn. He asks the programmer, "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the engineer and hands him $50. The engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well? What's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the programmer and returns to sleep.

[corrosion]

Officer, this is how the fight started...
 
I rear-ended the car in front of me. I admit that. It was my fault.

So, we both pull over to the side of the road, and slowly the driver of the car I hit gets out of his car. . . and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed... and life... sometimes life seems like... suddenly funny?

Well, the driver of the car I hit is a DWARF! He gets out of his car and I get out of my car.

He is frowning and scowling and he storms over to me. Right up close at me he looks up in my face and says,  'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
 
And I don't know what possessed me, officer, but I look down at him and I said, 'Well, if you're not Happy -- which one are you?'

. . . . and that's when the fight started...

[Andrew]

ROFL!!!!

[corrosion]

Blonde Emergency:

A car gets a flat on the interstate one day. The blonde driver eases it
over onto the shoulder of the road, carefully steps out of the car and
opens the trunk.
 She takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the
rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men
are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies and private parts to
approaching drivers.
 Not surprisingly, the traffic becomes snarled and backed up.
 It isn't very long before a police car arrives. The officer, clearly
enraged, approaches the blonde of the disabled vehicle yelling, 'What's
going on here?'
 'My car broke down, officer' says the woman calmly  'Well, what the
hell are these obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?' he asks.
 'Helllooooooo!!!!' says the blonde. 'Those are my emergency flashers!'

[corrosion]

On a trip to Great Britain while he was President of the United States , Bill Clinton had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth. During that meeting he asked her, 'How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?'   

'That's easy,' the Queen replied, 'You surround yourself with intelligent ministers and advisors.'   

'But how can I tell
whether they are intelligent or not?', asked Bill.   

You ask them a riddle,' she replied, and with that she pressed a button and said, 'Would you please send Tony Blair in.' When Blair arrived, the Queen said, 'I have a riddle for you to answer for me.   

Your parents had a child and
it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?'   

Blair replied, 'That's easy. The child was me.'   

'Very good,' said the Queen. 'You may go now.'   

Sizing up his wife's chances in her presidential bid, and thinking back on that meeting, Bill Clinton spoke to Hillary. He said to her, 'I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was that child?'   

Hillary replied, 'Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine the answer. Can I deliberate on this for awhile?'   

'Yes,' said Bill, 'I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer.'   

So Hillary called a meeting of her campaign team, from top to bottom, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. She was quite upset, not knowing what she would tell her husband, the former President. As Hillary was leaving her meeting she ran into her most formidable challenger to her presidential nomination, Barack Obama.   

So she said, 'Mr. Obama, can you answer this riddle for me? Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?'   

'That's seems pretty easy,' said Obama, 'I think the child would be me.'   

'Oh thank you,' said Hillary. ' You may just have ensured my nomination for the democratic candidate for the Presidency of the United States !' So Hillary went back to Bill and said, 'I think I know the answer to your riddle.   

The child was Barack Obama.!'   

'No, you Dumb Chit!' shouted Bill. 'The child was Tony Blair'   

The bottom line... guess where we're headed with the two of them
again running the Country!

[corrosion]

Two blonde girls were working for the city public works department. One digs a hole and the other follows behind her and fills the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other. They worked furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it—why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[corrosion]

The Phone Call
 


    "Hello?"   
     
    "Hi  honey.     


    This  is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?" 


    "No  Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom
    with Uncle Paul."


    After a brief pause,


    Daddy says,"But honey, you haven't got 
    an Uncle Paul."   


    "Oh yes I do,and he's upstairs in the room
    with Mommy,right now."
   

   
    Brief Pause.


    "Uh,okay then,this is what I want you to do.

    Put the phone down on the table,run upstairs 
    and knock on the bedroom door
    and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car
    just pulled into the driveway."


    "Okay Daddy,just a minute."


    A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.


    "I did it Daddy."

    "And what happened honey?"

    "Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed
    with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
    Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
    and now she isn't moving at all!"

    "Oh my God!!!   
    What about your Uncle Paul?"

    "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.

    He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
    and into the swimming pool.

    But I guess he didn't know
    that you took out the water
    last week to clean it.

    He hit the bottom of the pool
    and I think he's dead."




    ***Long  Pause***   


   




    ***Longer  Pause***   






    ***Even Longer  Pause***


       
    Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? 


    Is this 622-5731...?"

[Don]

I really enjoy you keeping this thread going