Joke of the day

[buggdude]

thats been posted a couple of times but still funny

[Kimbo]

thats been posted a couple of times but still funny

Isn't it amazing how quickly humour travels these days - it's wierd when you look at the email trail and seen yourself as the startingpoint !!!

[Rick G]

Speaks for itself

[buggdude]

drunken bet?

[VIN]

....

[Rick G]

He needs to come work for me!!
I always get questions like "Your menu says you have a 12" medium pizza, how big is that?" or "How many people does your large pizza feed?"

[Neil]

Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety. WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded 2 AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave!

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only 2 AAA batteries, right?  There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood moving target.  I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.  Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would reportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.  Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.  All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with 2 itsy, bitsy, AAA batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.  I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dumbass,' reasoning that a one- second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button and... HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!  I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.  I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, 'Do it again, stupid, do it again!' Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.  A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A Hey Mama!! That hurt like hell! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there?  My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching.  My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.  I'm still looking for my testicles! I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

[corrosion]

Neil,

I found your testicles, they are in Michigan!

[buggdude]

thought they might be in his chicks purse 

[Mykul]

I just scared the kids laughing so hard!!!!

[fatalifeaten]

that thur's funny

[Don]

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD

[corrosion]

An old man went to the drugstore and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "Sure, how many pills do you want?"

The man replied, "Just a few, maybe a half dozen. But can you cut each one into four pieces?"

The pharmacist said, "That's too small a dose. That won't get you through sex."

The man said, "Oh, that's all right. I'm past 87 and I don't even think about sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

[Don]

From my office wall.

[corrosion]

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE
HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
 
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL
WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.   

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
   
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A   
HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.' 
 
   
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ   
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON   
ENTERING THE  ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE 
TO HER VIBRATOR. 

TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,
THE DAUGHTER SAID: 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS   
I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
 
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP,   
PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING   
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.
 
SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING   
ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.
 
THE VIBRATOR  WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
 
THE WIFE ASKED: 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
 
   
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: 'I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY  SON-IN-LAW.'

[corrosion]

A young lady tells us WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK...

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk
a carton of eggs
a quart of orange juice
a head of romaine lettuce
a 2 lb. can of coffee
a 1 lb. package of bacon

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front
of the  cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, "You must be single."
I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the
derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single.
I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk
to  my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

[corrosion]

I have never read nor heard a more truthful analogy than this one.

        THIS IS A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH
        PARTIES! NOT ONLY THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!


        While walking down the street one day a US senator is
        tragically hit by a truck and dies.

        His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
        entrance.

        "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle
        in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high
        official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure
        what to do with you."

        "No problem, just let me in," says the man.

        "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up.
        What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one
        in heaven. Then you can choose
        where to spend eternity."

        "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,"
        says the senator.

        "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

        And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and
        he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he
        finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In
        the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it
        are all his friends and other politicians who had worked
        with him.

        Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
        greet him, Shake his hand, and reminisce about the good
        times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the
        people.

        They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
        lobster, caviar and champagne.

        Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly
        guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They
        are having such a good time that before he realizes it,
        it is time to go.

        Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
        elevator rises...

        The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on
        heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

        "Now it's time to visit heaven."

        So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
        contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the
        harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have
        gone by and St. Peter returns.

        "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in
        heaven. Now choose your eternity."

        The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
        "Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven
        has been delightful, but I think I would be better off
        in hell."

        So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes
        down, down, down to hell.

        Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle
        of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

        He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
        trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls
        from above.

        The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
        shoulder. "I don't understand," stammers the senator.
        "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
        clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
        champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's
        just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

        What happened?"

        The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we
        were campaigning. Today you voted."

[Rick G]

A man comes from from work and finds his wife packing her clothes. He asks what she's doing and she says "I'm tired of putting up with you and being taken for granted, I'm moving to Vegas where I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free."

She comes downstairs, bag in hand and sees him sitting at the computer. Curious she goes over to see what he is doing. He is looking at apartments for rent in Las Vegas. She asks him why he is looking for an apartment for her instead of trying to stop her. He says"It's not for you, it's for me. I want to watch you try to live off $800.00 a year."

[Don]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
 
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
 
Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
 
Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
 
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
 
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
 
He replied:
 
It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken
 
Remember, you don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.
 
Have a great day!

[Rick G]

Leaving Work Early!!

Three girls all worked in the same office with the
same female boss.

Each day they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided that when the boss left
they would leave right behind her.

After all she never called, or came back to work, so
how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She
did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son and
went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout
and a spa before meeting her dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and
surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom
door she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quitely she cracked open the door
and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss.
Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day at their coffee break the redhead and
the brunette planned to leave early again and they
asked the blonde if she was going with them.

No way the blonde exclaimed. I almost got caught yesterday.

[corrosion]

A man was happily driving along in his car late one Saturday night when a cop pulled him over. The policeman walked up to him and asked, “Have you been drinking, sir?”

Confused, the man replied, “Why? Was I weaving all over the road?”

“No,” said the policeman. “You were driving splendidly. It was the incredibly ugly woman in the passenger seat that gave you away.”

[Don]

Been there

[mrbajadude]

The Democrats have a real problem.

Do they vote for the nut with two boobs


OR   



the boob with two nuts?

[buggdude]

The Democrats have a real problem.

Do they vote for the nut with two boobs


OR   



the boob with two nuts?

screwed both ways

[corrosion]

To all my friends with Children: This is why parents drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not  phoned in sick one day.
 Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and
was greeted with a child's whisper. " Hello ? "  "Is your daddy home?" he asked.

" Yes ," whispered the small voice.   May I talk with him?"  The child whispered, " No ."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is
your Mommy there?" " Yes ."   "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, " No ."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the
boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

 " Yes ," whispered the child, " a policeman ".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the
boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

" No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"
" Talking to Daddy and M ommy and the Fireman ," came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
" A helicopter " answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, " The search team just landed a helicopter ."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... " ME ."