Joke of the day

[Andrew]

that's pretty good

[corrosion]

THIS  IS HARD TO DO
 
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of Psychiatry at Harvard University.
Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud without a mistake.
The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!
 
1.   This is this cat. 
2.   This is is cat. 
3.   This is how cat. 
4.   This is to cat. 
5.   This is keep cat. 
6.   This is an cat. 
7.   This is old cat.
8.   This is fart cat. 
9.   This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat. 
11. This is forty cat. 
12. This is seconds cat.
 
 Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down.

 
 I betcha' you can't resist passing it on!

[Don]

<----Only kept this old fart busy for 35 Seconds.

[Andrew]

I looked at the first line and said "hell no I'm not falling for this again"

[VIN]

Subject: Man Laws LIVE BY THEM!!!!



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate a t a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless
model and only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16 : Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other
situations, an almo s t imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for Christmas?' with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do y ou really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below.

'GUTS' is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, 'are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?'

'BALLS' is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'

[corrosion]

One day, Jimmy Jones was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup.

Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.

" Bubba, where'd you git that truck?!?"

" Tammie give it to me" Bubba replied.

"She give it to ya?

I know'd she wuz kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?"

"Well, Jimmy Jones, let me tell you what happened. We wuz drivin' out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowheres.
Tammie pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,

'Bubba, take whatever you want.'

So I took the truck! "

Jimmy said, "Bubba, yore a smart man! Them clothes woulda never fit you!" 

[Don]

<----Laughing

[corrosion]

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickens.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickens are there in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

[Don]

Home Depot Scam ..  PLEASE BEWARE

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic.
Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your
friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as
you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask
you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the
backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the
front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the othe r one steals your
wallet.

I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 8th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 19th, 20th, 24th and 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, 5th, twice on
the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.


So tell your friends to be careful.

[corrosion]

A re-visit, but still my favorite.

Indians They Ain’t

Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"

The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

[Neil]

Speaking of blondes:  Just the other day, for the first time in my life, I saw a car drive away from the pump with the nozzle still in it.  As it started to pull away, several of us were yelling at the driver to stop (obviously didn't hear us).  It got halfway across the parking lot when one of Spokane's finest caught up with the vehicle in question.  It returned to the station, hose still hanging out the side of the car.  Driver's door opened, and out steps the hottest blonde I've ever seen outside a magazine!  I swear, no Big Ole Poopy, the first word out of her mouth was "Ooops!"

[corrosion]

 Will I Live to see 80?
 
 Here's something to think about.

 I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two
 visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing
 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that
 comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you Think I'll
 live to be 80?'
      He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he
 asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I
 said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
 unhealthy!
        Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
 playing golf, sailing, hiking, Or bicycling?' 'No, I
 don't,' I said.
      He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot
 of sex?' 'No,' I said
      He looked at me and said,....
 'Then, why do you even give a $hit??

[buggdude]

didn't know where to put this so here you go

<a href="http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1758456" target="_blank" class="aeva_link bbc_link new_win">http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1758456</a>

[Kimbo]

A Duck Hunter

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided
to take a leak.  He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun.  Just
then
a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over, and discharged ... shooting him in
the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed he was approached by his
doctor. "Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news
is
that you are going to be OK.  The damage was local to your groin, there was
very little internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the
buckshot.
The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive damage done to your
pen1s. I'm going to have to refer you to my brother."

"Oh, well I guess that isn't too bad." the man replied "Is your brother a
plastic surgeon?"

"Not exactly." answered the doctor. "He's a flute player in the local
symphony.   He's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't
p1ss in your eye."

[corrosion]

ROFLMAO

[corrosion]

Don and Joe wanted to go out drinking; they only had $2.00 between
them.

Don said, "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one
large sausage.

Joe said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Don replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

They went into the pub where Don immediately ordered two double shots
of Jack Daniels.

Joe said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will
be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"

Don replied, with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"

They downed their drinks.

Don said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on
your knees and put it in your mouth."
Said and done, the bar man noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.

They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all
for free.

At the tenth bar, Joe said, "Don - I don't think I can do this
anymore.
My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"

Don said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage at the third
bar.

[Swine]

LMFAO!!!! X2

[Andrew]

wow

[buggdude]

oh damn that funny hopefully don and joe think so

[Don]

Thanks, at least I was the one with the sausage!!

[Kimbo]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when
the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite
some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began
moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders
and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her
lower stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past
the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her
buttock and down her leg to her calf.

Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost
portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly
stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving
voice, "Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?"

I found the remote," he mumbled.

[corrosion]

Sportsman's Double (Worth a Reread)

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked OK for
a 57-year-old. In fact, she wasn't bad at all, and I found myself
thinking that she probably had a hot daughter.
 
We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle. She asked me if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It is a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

 I said, "No" - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she said that tonight was "my lucky night".

We went back to her place. She turned on the hall light and shouted upstairs:

"Hey Mom, you still awake?"

[Andrew]

Things that make you go....buuhhuuhu *shiver*

[corrosion]

The love story of Ralph and Edna:

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

[Kimbo]

One winter morning a husband and wife in Denver were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"