Joke of the day

[corrosion]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. 

The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."
 

[buggdude]

Lady Golfers
>
>
>
>  Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
>  ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The
>  ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at
>  his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The
>  woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
>
>"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could
>  relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
>
>"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man
>  replied.
>
>He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
>hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally
>allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the
>side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered
>tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked... "How
>does that feel?"
>
>He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts!"


 

[Scottie]

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

[Don]

 

[buggdude]

  crap in the carb 

[corrosion]

Two couples were playing poker one evening.  John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.  When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife, Sue, wasn't wearing any panties under her dress!

Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.  Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.  Bill's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under the table?"

Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.  She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."  After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is iterested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and as John doesn't, he should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500.00, they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.

John then quickly dressed and left.  As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the shouse, asked his wife abruptly.  "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat, Sue answered " Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."  Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500.00?"  In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500.00".

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "Good, I was hoping he did.  John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500.00 from me.  He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!

[corrosion]

Work Ethic.....

It's important that kids learn work ethic at an early age, and that Home Depot can screw up a job for you!!!

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed betweena a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time....

A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.  The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.  They chatted wtih her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave here little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay evnelope containing a couple of dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come to earn her very own deposit at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

My goodness gracious," said the teller, "And will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those a$$holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f&%king sheet rock..."

Kind of brings a tear to the eye

[Kevin]

that was very very entertaining ^.

now the moral of the story is to order from a reputable supplier. 

[corrosion]

Chirco.com perhaps.

[Don]

 

[VIN]

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.   


If you do not mind me saying," said the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab "It is permanently stuck in my butt."

"I do not understand," said the other.


The first Arab says, "I was walking along the bea ch and I tripped over an oil lamp. The re was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag attire with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No Big Ole Poopy?"

G o d B l ess A m e r i c a 

[buggdude]

 

[Scottie]

I dont know... can I post this???

[VIN]

it appears you just did.   is that from the camel toe song?

[VIN]

Dave works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling
and plays golf every Saturday. His wife thinks he's pushing himself  too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?" "I recognize her,
she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around  Dave,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi! Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.  Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the      door, he jumps in beside her. Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
>       >The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave, you picked up a real
>Hey Mama
>       >this time."
>

[Kevin]

^ oopsy 

LMAO!!!

[Scottie]

OUCH!... I hate it when that happens!

[Don]

It's Don, not Dave

[Mongo]

I hope this doesnt offend too many.

  This is called   Lesbonics



1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?

......A licker cabinet.

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?

......A Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?

......Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?

......Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.

5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

.....Fur Traders.

6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?

......A Lickalotapuss.

7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

.....Well Hung.

8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drown ed?

......She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

9. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

......Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

10. What do you call lesbian twins?

....Lick-a-likes.

11. What's the definition of confusion?

....Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.

12. What's the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?

....One's a snack cracker, the other's a crack snacker

13. What do you call an open can of tuna on a lesbians coffee table??

....Potpourri

[Mongo]

You can yell at me about that last one if you want Don, I understand.  This one is funnier and cleaner:


Title:: The Koala and the Little Lizard 
 
 A koala bear is sitting up a gumtree   
 
 smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says 
 
 "Hey Koala !  what are you doing?"   

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
 
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have
a few joints.
 
After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
get a drink from the river.
 
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
into the river.
 
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him
to the side, then asks the little  lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking
a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into
the river while taking a drink.
 
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into  the rain
forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and
he looks up and says "Hey you!"
 
So the koala looks down at him and says:
     
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[Kevin]

Mongo...Mongo...Mongo.......


what will we do with you?!?!?!

KEEP IT UP !!!!!

ROFLMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

[Don]

Mongo
How do you not get a flash reflection in the mirror when you took the photo of your avatar.

Please don't beat me up!

[Mongo]

    Good one Don!!!  If that's all "Lesbonics" is going to cost me, I can take it

[Don]

 

[Don]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married!
The other night she was invited out for a night with "the girls."
She told my husband that She would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy Around
3 a.m., a bit loaded, She headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the
cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly,
realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.
she was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when
totally smashed.3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time she got in, and she told him
at midnight." He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with
that one!
Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." When she asked him why? He
said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh.
Big Ole Poopy. cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3
times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee
table."