Joke of the day

[Swine]

Don stops by the shop to have his car fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, he didn't live far and he decided to just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"  "Hey, thanks!" Don said, and out the door he went.

In the parking lot he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.  She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"  Don replied, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane.  Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.  How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"   
Don said, "Holy smokes lady!  I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens." 

[Don]

I enjoyed that

[Mykul]

I bet you did!

[corrosion]

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, "seven points"

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha, I'm ahead 14 to 7".

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says,
"Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says,
"Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."  Now the pressure is on the old man.

He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and accidentally poops in the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Swine]

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you . I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.  But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood f or the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it . Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love,

Joe

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

[corrosion]

  Now that is frigen hilarious!

[Swine]

A nasty old guy named "Don" walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a damn savings account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.  I must have misunderstood you.  What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it.  I said I want to open a damn savings account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation.  The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.

They both return to the window and the manager asks Don, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," Don says.  "I just won 50 million dollars in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn savings account in this damn bank!"

"I see," says the manager, "and is this dumb broad giving you a hard time?"

[Don]

Now that is Damn Funny

[corrosion]

One day little johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parents room to check it out.  He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny closed the door.
 
After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny.  He opened his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny going at it behind her.  Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing!   Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when its YOUR mom is it?!"

[Andrew]

mmm disturbing... how old is little johnny hah!

[Swine]

Well that confirms it! My wife and I are disturbed. When she asked what I was laughing at I read her the joke and she just about spit her beer out laughing.

[Swine]

Chirco Members in Heaven

Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you. We have some Chirco members up here who are causing problems. They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing, and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes; there's barbecue sauce and picante sauce everywhere, especially all over their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots, and chasing the sheep; they're wearing baseball caps instead of their halos. They refuse to keep the stairway to heaven clean, and their tires are marking and scratching up the halls of wisdom. There are sun flower seeds and hot wing bones all over the place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing; they refuse to walk and insist on bringing their "Bugs" with them."

The Lord said, "Chirco members are Chirco members, Gabriel. Heaven is Home to all my children. If you want to know about real problems, call the Devil."

The Devil answered the phone, "Hello --- hold on a minute."

The Devil returned to the phone, "O.K., I'm back. What can I do for you?" Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems you're having down there." The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on something."

After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?" Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down there?" The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this ... Hold on."

This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes. The Devil returned and said, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those damn Chirco members have put out the fire and now Joe and Don are trying to install air conditioning."

[lemorris]

 

[Andrew]

hah that's pretty good

[buggdude]

nice

[Joe Chirco]

that one is great!!!!

[Swine]

A rookie police officer pulled Don over for speeding and had the following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?
Don: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th speeding ticket.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?
Don: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?
Don: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
Don: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the dude who owns this car and stuffed his dope in the trunk.

Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too!?
Don: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. Don was quickly surrounded by police,
and the captain approached Don to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Don: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?
Don: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.

Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Don: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's drugs in there.
Don: No problem. The trunk was opened; no drugs.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this car, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the trunk.
Don: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

[bajaman1]

     I have 2 large dogs, and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-Mart and was in line to check out.  The woman behind me asked if I
had a dog? Duh?  On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The
Purina Diet again.  Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended
up in the hospital the last time.  But I'd lost 50 pounds before I
awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way
it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply
 eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to
mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled
with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the
dog food poisoned me? I told her no, I'd been sitting in the street
licking my ass and a car hit me.  I thought the guy standing behind
her was going to need help as he staggered to the door laughing.

[corrosion]

Q: How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

[corrosion]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a
log. " My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."

The wolf jumps up and runs away.

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a
bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.

About two miles down the road Little Red Riding
Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is
crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."

With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to poop!"

Brighten someone's day!

[Don]

Q: How many kids with A.D.D. does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Wanna go ride bikes?

I don't get it?

Where is my coffee?

[corrosion]

Someone should put a big DA on the side of your helmet.

[Swine]

How Chirco's Call the Police

Joe was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
 
Joe opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
 
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.

Joe said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
 
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all." Then he hung up.
 
Within three minutes four police cars, the fire department and an ambulance at the Chirco residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
 
One of the Policemen said to Joe: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
 
Joe said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

[Swine]

Joe, a successful gynecologist decides to fulfill his life's dream: give up medical practice and become a VW mechanic.

So he gets out of the medical business and enrolls in a mechanic's school. After many, many weeks of training comes the final examination, taking apart and then re-assembling a Type 1 1600 DP engine.
He grabs his tools and sets to work, but soon he gets worried: while he is still working on the valve-covers, everybody else is already busy with removing the cylinder heads. He falls more and more behind, and as he is just starting to put it all back together, everybody else is already finished. He manages to put the engine back together, barely in time before the exam ends. Because it took him so much longer than everybody else, he goes straight to the teacher to ask how he performed.
"Well," the teacher says, "out of one hundred possible points you scored 150." "But how is that possible?" the ex-gynecologist asks. "Well, it breaks down to this: You get fifty points for correctly taking the engine apart. And you get another fifty points for putting it back together perfectly." "And what did I get those additional fifty points for?"

"For doing it all through the intake."

[VIN]