Joke of the day

[corrosion]

A man takes his seat on a plane to Chicago and realizes the woman next to him is hot.

“Business trip or vacation?” he asks.

“Business,” she replies. “The annual sex convention.”

“What are you doing there?”

“Giving a lecture about the myths and truths of sexuality,” she answers.

“Like what?” asks the guy.

“People think African men are the most endowed, but it’s actually Native American men,” she says. “And another myth is that Frenchmen are the best kissers, when it’s actually men of Jewish descent. Also, a recent survey found that Cajuns are the best lovers of any ethnicity.”

Blushing, the woman adds, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying all this. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” says the man. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Boudreaux.”

[Don]

Been there!!

(Dogs and Foxes)

[corrosion]

A married woman goes to a new dentist, and immediately the two fall in love. Every week she makes an appointment to see him so they can be together, until one day the woman notices that the dentist seems worried.

“What’s wrong?” she asks.

“We have to stop seeing each other,” the dentist replies. “Your husband must be getting suspicious—you’re always here.”

“No way, honey,” replies the woman. “We’ve been meeting for six months, and he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

“Really?” asks the dentist. “Even though you’re down to one tooth?”

[corrosion]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

        Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry
hamper according to lights and darks.


        Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
         If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.

        Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make
mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.


        Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg
cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.


        Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo
with 43 added vitamins.


        Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.

        Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner
enhanced with real passion fruit.


        Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for
10 minutes until red.


        Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa
cake body wash


        Rinse conditioner off hair.

        Shave armpits and legs.

        Turn off shower.

        Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.

        Spray mold spots with Tilex.

        Get out of shower and stand on bath mat.


        Dry with towel the size of a small country.


        Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

        Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and
towel on head.


        If you see husband along the way, cover up any
exposed areas.



        How To Shower Like a Man:

        Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the
bed and leave them in a pile.

        Walk naked to the bathroom.

        If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her
making the woo-woo' sound.


        Look at your manly physique in the mirror.


        Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your @ss.


        Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.


        Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse
them off.


        Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.


        Spend majority of time washing privates and
surrounding area.


        Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs
stuck on the soap


        Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk  Pee.


        Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bath mat.


        Dry off forearms and butt only.


        Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was
hanging out of tub the whole time.


        Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to
watch water fly off.


        Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light
and fan on.


        Return to bedroom with towel around waist.


        If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at
her and make the woo-woo' sound again.


        Throw wet towel on bed.


        If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at
the truth behind this, there is something so very wrong with
you.


        Have a great day! And, "woo woo
     

[corrosion]

Polly don’t want crackers

The madam of a brothel has a problem, so she goes to a local priest. "I have two talking female parrots," she tells him. "All they can say is ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?’"

"That’s awful," the priest agrees, "but I have a solution to your problem. I have two male parrots whom I’ve taught to pray and read the Bible. If we put your parrots with mine, I believe yours will stop saying that awful phrase and will instead learn to recite the word of God."

The next day, the madame brings her parrots to the priest’s house and puts them in with the male parrots, who are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

"Hi, we’re prostitutes." say the females. "Do you want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other and squawks, "Close the Bible, Frank! Our prayers are answered!"

[corrosion]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

The man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex. “Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, “Why are there three in this package.”

The dad replies, “Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.” “Cool!” says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks “Then who are these for?”

“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday.”

“WOW!” exclaimed the boy. “Then who uses these?” he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…”

[corrosion]

There were two rednecks walking toward each other down the street. One of them was carrying a sack.

When they met up, the other redneck asked, “Whatcha got in that there sack?”

The redneck with the sack replied, “Just some chickens.”

The other redneck said, “If I guess how many chickens are there in that there sack, can I have one?”

The redneck with he sack answered, “I’ll give ya both of them if you get it right.”

So, the other redneck thought and thought, and he finally said, “Five?”

[bajaman1]

I was feeling depressed the other day, so I called the "Depression Help Hotline".
The call went through to a 'call center' in PAKISTAN.

I explained that I was feeling suicidal.

They were very excited at this news and wanted to know if I could drive a truck or fly a airplane....

 
 

[corrosion]

Onions and Christmas Trees!!


A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many
kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts.

In her twenties,a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In
her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how
many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible
but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only

[Don]

I would like to thank all my fans and the poeple who have supported me through the years.

[Joe Chirco]

Now, that is a joke!!!!!!!!

[Swine]

Wow! Nobody said that the "Rock" showed up at your car show.

[Joe Chirco]

The "Rock" would be a compliment, I like to think of Don as more like one of the Wiggles.

[Swine]

The "Rock" would be a compliment, I like to think of Don as more like one of the Wiggles.

Joe,
With all due respect I'm afraid we will have to revisit the "Why Joe Needs Glasses" thread.

I see no difference in these two photos, it is the same person!


Now I will agree that in the photo on the left, The Rock has had some work done, but still...

[Don]

Shaved and not shaved, It makes a huge difference

Hell, here is Frank I work with, now he has the body!!

Joe's hot also

[VIN]

joe's got some nice tah-tahs!!

[corrosion]

Nice tah-tah's or Nice Tattoo?

[Joe Chirco]

Man, I make one ugly chick

[corrosion]

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.

"$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now $150.00."
 

[corrosion]

A guy enters confessional and says to the priest, "I had an affair…almost."

The priest says, "What do you mean 'almost?'"

The guy says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed against each other, but then I stopped."

"In the eyes of the Lord, rubbing against each other is the same as putting it in," says the priest. "For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $20 in the poor box."

The guy leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment then starts to leave.

The priest, seeing this, quickly runs over to him and says, "You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The guy stops and says, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $20 on the box, and in the eyes of the Lord, that's the same as putting it in."

[corrosion]

A blonde enters an elevator already occupied by an older lady. Cordially, the blonde says, "T-G-I-F."

The older lady replies, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde repeats, "T-G-I-F!"

The old lady responds, again, "S-H-I-T!"

The blonde, now flustered, says, "T-G-I-F—Thank God it's Friday!!"

The old lady replies, "S-H-I-T—Sorry, honey, it's Thursday!!"

[corrosion]

A little guy is sitting at a counter eating breakfast. A big guy walks in and hits the little guy.

"That's a judo chop from Japan," he says, and then walks into the bathroom. The little guy gets up and sits back down to finish his breakfast. The big guy comes back out of the bathroom and hits the little guy again.

"That's a karate chop from Korea," he says. The little guy gets up and leaves the diner. The big guy sits down and orders breakfast.

As he starts to eat, the little guy comes running back through the door and knocks the big guy out. He looks at the waitress and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a tire iron from Sears."

[bajaman1]

   Wintertime

 One winter morning a husband and wife in northern Mich were 
Listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer 
Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must 
Park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the 
Snowplows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved 
Her car.

 A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio 
Announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. 
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so 
The snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved 
Her car again.

 The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio 
Announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. 
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife 
Was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, 
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I 
Need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

 With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are 
Married to Blondes exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you 
Just leave it in the garage this time."

[Gunner]

haa, know thats funny. that sounds just like what my buddy's wife would do, and yes she is blonde. 

[Swine]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table. They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.

The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"