Joke of the day

[The Herbie Guy]

1977 vs. 2007
For some of you (like me) this is all so true. For some of you just wait a few years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


1977: Long hair
2007: Longing for hair


1977: KEG
2007: EKG

1977: Acid rock
2007: Acid reflux


1977: Moving to California because it's cool
2007: Moving to California because it's warm


1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2007: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor


1977: Seeds and stems
2007: Roughage


1977: Hoping for a BMW
2007: Hoping for a BM


1977: The Grateful Dead
2007: Dr. Kevorkian


1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2007: Receiving a new, hip joint


1977: Rolling Stones
2007: Kidney Stones


1977: Being called into the principal's office
2007: Calling the principal's office


1977: Screw the system
2007: Upgrade the system


1977: Disco
2007: Costco


1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2007: Children begging you to get their heads shaved


1977: Passing the drivers' test
2007: Passing the vision test


1977: Whatever
2007: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.


The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1986 . !


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic
The CD was introduced the year they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.
They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

Do you feel old yet?

[corrosion]

MY NEXT LIFE
I want to live my next life backwards :
You start out dead and get that out of the way.
Then you wake up in a nursing home feeling better every day.
Then you get kicked out for being too healthy.
Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension.
Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you're too young to work.
You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're
generally promiscuous.
Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you
have no responsibilities.
Then you become a baby, and then...
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions - central heating, room service on tap, and then...
You finish off as an orgasm.
Not a bad idea,

Enjoy the Day

[Don]

Sounds beter than our current way.

[corrosion]

This was written by a guy... it's pretty damn smart.
 I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ
 so  much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
 I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with 
 their heart.

 FOR EXAMPLE:

 One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. 
 Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
 feel like  it, I just want you to hold me." I said, "WHAT??!!  What
 was that?!" So she says the words that every boyfriend on the  planet
 dreads to hear...

 "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough
 for  me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me
 for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that
 nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

 The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time
 with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big,
 big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she 
 tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide
 which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

 She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets
 get  a pair for each outfit.

 We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of
 diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
 thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

 I started to think she was testing me because she asked  for a tennis
 bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I
 threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was 
 almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling
 with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is  all
 dear, let's go to the cashier."

 I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
 feel  like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped
 with a  baffled, "WHAT?"

 I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
 You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for  
 me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

 And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I 
 added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things
 I buy you?"

 Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that
 Hey Mama knows I'm smarter than her.

[corrosion]

 A Welsh farmer walking through his field, notices a man drinking out 
      of a pond.

     The Welsh farmer shouted: "Paid a yfed a dwr, maer gwerthin wedi cachu
     un a for."

     Which means: "Don't drink the water the cows have $hit in it."

     The man shouts back: "I'm a muslim, I don't understand. Please speak in
     English."

     The Welsh farmer says: "Use two hands, it holds more"!!!

[BDD]

Why men don't write advice columns...

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her.

I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Usk
------------------
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.

Walter

[Don]

 

[corrosion]

WOMAN'S POEM   
 Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

 
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

MAN'S POEM
 
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac    with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a $hit

[corrosion]

Little Johnny's Moral Story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?", the teacher asked

"Yes ma'am", Little Johnny replied. "My daddy told me a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit.     She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" cried the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy give you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking."
 

[corrosion]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE
 
For all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see a
bottle of wine:
 
Sally was driving home from one of her business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
 
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
 
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
 
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
 
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
 
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.
   
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder,
she said:
 
"Good trade....."   

[corrosion]

 Dear Tech Support,
 
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that
the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and new
monitors all other system activities, such as Poker Night 10.3, Football
5.0, Going To The Pub 7.5, and Softball 3.6

I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0
in the background while attempting to run my other favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't
work on Wife 1.0 .

Please help!

Thanks,
Troubled User
 
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
 
This is a very common problem that men often complain about.
 
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is
just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM
and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0 . It is impossible to
uninstall, or purge, the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings: Alimony-Child
Support . I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the background application Yes Dear 2.7 to
alleviate your program
problems.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! Because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system
will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance! Wife
1.0 does come with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0,
Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2

However, be very careful how you use these programs . Improper use will
cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5 Once this happens, the
only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional
software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short
Skirt 3.3 . This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating system!

Best of luck,
Tech Support
 

[Don]

I love that one!!!!!

[corrosion]

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

"Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

"Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

"A sea gull $hit in my eye," the pirate replies.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

"Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

[corrosion]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

[corrosion]

Muldoon lives with his dog in the countryside. When the dog dies, Muldoon goes to the parish priest. "Father, could you say a mass for the poor creature?"
The father explains, "We can’t have services for an animal in the church, but there’s a new denomination down the road. Maybe they’ll do something for him."

"Thanks," says Muldoon. "Do you think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

The father replies, "Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[corrosion]

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

[corrosion]

  ITALIAN STYLE PIG STORY


The Three Little Pigs - Italian Style

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig.

One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down."  And he did !!!   



So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please, let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in.

Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!   



So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"

So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.   



A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up.

Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him, then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf, then they tied cement blocks around his feet threw his sorry butt into the creek then they got back into their Caddy and drove off.   



The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?"  they asked.   



"Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs
 




" Gotta love those Italians "
 

[corrosion]

Dear Abby:
  >
  > My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the
  > beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's
  > worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
  >
  > Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a
  > new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot
  > the breeze with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.
  >
  > Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to
  > like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
  >
  > Signed: Clueless
  >
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
  >
  > Dear Clueless:
  >
  > Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore!
  > You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of
  > the United States . Act like one

[corrosion]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
 
My wife asks, "Do you know her?"
 
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
 
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
 
So you see, there really are 2 ways to look at everything.

[corrosion]

 Please pray for Rick.
 
 Rick was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.
 
 His wife was really angry.
 
 She told him " Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
 Driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds AND IT BETTER
 BE THERE!!
 
 The next morning Rick got up early and left for work.
 
 When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there
 was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the
 wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, and brought the box
 back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
 
 Please pray for Rick.  He has been missing since Friday.

[corrosion]

 One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor ."

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

"You have tennis elbow.  Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two  weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking  how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could  be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He  deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart   

[corrosion]

Grandma's  Boyfriend


A 5-year-old  boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his
toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
"Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom
and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the
comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the
knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.  Frustrated, she started hitting the backside
of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and
there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."

The minister fainted.

Now, that's  funny... I don't care WHO you are.

[Don]

 

[corrosion]

Don is leaving the office late one night when he finds the CEO, Joe, standing over the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“This is a very sensitive official document,” says Joe. “My secretary’s gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Sure,” says Don as he turns on the shredder and hits the start button.

“Great,” says Joe. “I just need one copy.”

[corrosion]

Q: What’s the difference between dogs and foxes?

A: About four beers.