Joke of the day

[corrosion]

 An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing
home. One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy
asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and

I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she
replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."


The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his
Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like
that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my

Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"



Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[Don]

lol

[nat_dye]

Thought for the day !!

            Handle every situation like a dog.
           

            If you can't Eat it or Screw it.

               
             Piss on it and Walk Away.

omg that is the best REAL piece of advice i have ever heard!

[VIN]

thats good

[corrosion]

SUMBITCH

A filthy rich Floridian man decided that he
Wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies
And neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only
Redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around
The pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating
Shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the
Women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I
Have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give
A million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump
In." The words were barely out of his mouth when
There was a loud splash and everyone turned around and
Saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass!

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his
Thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds,
Biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator
Through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both
Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.
Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to
The top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly
Climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring
At him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe
You a million dollars,"

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something.
You won the bet. How about half a million bucks
Then?"

"No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you
Something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche
And a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked,! "Well, Leroy, then what
Do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed
Me in the pool!"

[corrosion]

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to

attract the girls. He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old

 fool.. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself

 a pair of Speedos-about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized

 tater down inside them. I'm telling ya man...ya'll have all the babes

 you want!"

 
  The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his

  spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

  Everybody at the swimming hole was disgusted as he walked by,

 covering their faces, turning way, laughing, looking sick!

  Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked him, "What's wrong

  now?"

 

  "Lard-Almighty!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

[Don]

 

[corrosion]

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time
they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were
in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the
lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated
leisure device... a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She
went completely ballistic.

'You impotent #$%&^*%,' She screamed at him, 'how
could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain
yourself!'

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

'I'll explain the toy . . you explain the kids.'

[Don]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around she found that all the pets were very expensive. 
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.
Well, said the clerk, I have a very large bullfrog. 
They say its been trained to give blowjobs!  Blowjobs, the woman replied!! 
It hasn't been proven, but we've sold 30 of them this month, he said.
The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if its true... no more blowjobs for her! 
She bought the frog. 
When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off. 
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.
In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. 
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.  What are you two doing at this hour?  she asked. 
The husband replied, if I can teach this frog to cook, your a$$ is outta here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[corrosion]

Don,

Do they sell them type of Bullfrog's in Michigan?

LMAO!

[Joe Chirco]

I just ordered the last one, You can barrow mine when I am done with it.

[Don]

(This is not Joe)

[Don]

Yodeling

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching & he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse & asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"

"That fellow is traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night so I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." Then she prepared a plate of food for him & took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled & straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn & she, too, did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up & continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke & learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, & yelled out.....

LAIDTHEOLADEETOO!!

[VIN]

 Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is It true theys suin
them cigarette companies fer causin
People to git cancer ?"
 
"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.
 
"And now someone is suin them fast food restaurants fer  makin them fat
an cloggin their arteries with all them burgers
an fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"
 
"Sure is, Bubba."
 
"And that lady sued Mc Donalds for millions when she was  gave that hot
coffee that she ordered?"
 
"Yep."
 
"And that football player sued that university when he  Gradiated and
still couldn't read?"
 
"That's right," said the lawyer."  "But why are you asking?"
 
"Well, I was thinkin . .. What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser
fer all  them ugly women I slept with?

[Mykul]

Larry the Cable Guy wants to sue Hussler for his carpletunle. 

[Don]

Larry the Cable Guy wants to sue Hussler for his carpletunle. 

I wonder if I can get involved in that suit.

[VIN]

Larry the Cable Guy wants to sue Hussler for his carpletunle. 

I wonder if I can get involved in that suit.

Oh boy..

[VIN]

not a joke, but interesting:

Question 1:
>   
>    If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three

> who
>    were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
>    syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
>   
>   
>    Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
>   
>   
>    Question 2:
>    It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
>    Here are the facts about the three candidates. Who would you vote
> for?
>   
>   
>    Candidate A.
>   
>    Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
>    He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
> martinis a day.
>   
>   
>    Candidate B.
>   
>    He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used opium
> in
>    college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.
>   
>   
>    Candidate C
>   
>    He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
> drinks an
>    occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>    Which of these candidates would be our choice?
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>    Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>    Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
>    Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
>    Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.
>   
>   
>   
>    And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
>   
>    If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
>   
>   
>    Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
> someone.
>   
>   
>    Wait till you see the end of this note! Keep reading..
>   
>   
>   
>    Never be afraid to try something new.
>   
>   
>   
>    Remember:
>   
>    Amateurs...built the ark.
>    Professionals...built the Titanic
>   
>   
>    And Finally, can you imagine working for a company that has a
> little more than 500 employees and has the following statistics:
>   
>    * 29 have been accused of spousal abuse
>    * 7 have been arrested for fraud
>    * 19 have been accused of writing bad checks
>    * 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses
>    * 3 have done time for assault
>    * 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
>    * 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
>    * 8 have been arrested for shoplifting
>    * 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits
>    * 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>    Can you guess which organization this is?
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>    Give up yet?
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>   
>    It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.
>   
>    The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year
> designed to
>    keep the rest of us in line.
>   
>   

[Rick G]

There are some who would say the present congress is a joke

[VIN]

 Post Office job

 A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job.> > The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"> >

> > "Yes," he says. "I was in Vietnam for three years."> >> > The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."> > and then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?

> >> > The guy says, "Yes 100%...a mortar round exploded near me and blew my> > testicles off."

> >> > The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00> > A.M."

> >> > The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 >P.M
.> > then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"

> >> > This is a government job" the interviewer says. "For the first two hours> > we stand around scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for
>that."

[Don]

Please type that slower so Joe will understand it.
Thanks

[VIN]

 

[The Herbie Guy]

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know... The one that's red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[corrosion]

What did the bathtub say to the toilet?

You may get more @ss than me, but I don't take $hit from anyone.

[The Herbie Guy]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."