Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

Can't remember whether this had been posted before or not, but it made me smile...

 
There are two statues in a park; One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. 
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life!!!!!!!!

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for  being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the  most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.
After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions....

 

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you sh!t on its head.'

[Mike9300]

^^^^^ nice I like it

 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

 

[Rick G]

New Years Revenge

[Kimbo]

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.
 
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, smoking, and staying out late, and the effects it has on the human body."
 
The officer then asks, "Oh really? And just who is giving that kind of lecture at this time of night?"
 
The man replies, "Well, that would be my wife."

[Rick G]

 

[Rick G]

This is not a joke, but it will be the inspiration for many

http://www.wistv.com/story/16515450/murder-suspect-hides-gun-in-rectum

[Rick G]

"WHERE Is My SUNDAY Paper?!" The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

"Madam", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, ..

..."Well, Big Ole Poopy, that explains why no one was at church either."

[Rick G]

[Rick G]

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes

(We are waiting news of Governor Christie's decision to lower the flags in NJ

[Mike9300]

SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 350 for about 20 minutes

(We are waiting news of Governor Christie's decision to lower the flags in NJ

A sad day, we need to have this televised as the entire world will morn......
posting on FB right now

LOL

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Here's an AWESOME poster!!! Too bad this was not a scene 12 movies ago!!!    Tried  to watch the latest on my wife's recomendation....talk about "Joke of th Day!!!!"

[Kimbo]

... but Rob, it had to be a script writers dream - "I love you", " I love you too", "growl", "hiss" (repeat until end of movie) ..... fill in the blanks in-between with a bit of CGI-based fighting, and throw in some dude running around the forest with his shirt off - the hardest part, I reckon, was for them to arrange the weather to be consistently miserable for the whole thing.

Yes, I have actually been dragged along to a couple of "episodes" by my daughter - although I think waking up in the ambulance with them just about to do the "charge to 300, clear" routine and me saying "sorry I must've fallen asleep", was probably the scariest part....... well, that bit didn't really happen... I just added it for dramatic affect...... Mwah ha hah ha (covers face with cloak and exits stage left)

[Kimbo]

A Girl, a car and a Mattress - true story!!!!

A girl  ran over an innerspring mattress on the  highway, and decided not to worry, and kept on driving. It caught on the  undercarriage etc of her car. The ensuing  jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank.

The  subsequent lack of fuel is what  finally brought her vehicle to its  knees. She had managed to drive 50  kms, with a 25kg tangle of "stuff"  wrapped around her drive shaft.

She  had it towed to her local dealership, and  complained that the vehicle had a 'sort  of a noise' when she was driving at  high speeds.


Below are the  photos of what they found at the Dealership....................

The last photo says it all

[buggyman]

 

A Girl, a car and a Mattress - true story!!!!

A girl  ran over an innerspring mattress on the  highway, and decided not to worry, and kept on driving. It caught on the  undercarriage etc of her car. The ensuing  jumble finally whipped around enough to tear a hole in the fuel tank.

The  subsequent lack of fuel is what  finally brought her vehicle to its  knees. She had managed to drive 50  kms, with a 25kg tangle of "stuff"  wrapped around her drive shaft.

She  had it towed to her local dealership, and  complained that the vehicle had a 'sort  of a noise' when she was driving at  high speeds.


Below are the  photos of what they found at the Dealership....................

The last photo says it all

Kinda funny you mentioned this today Kimbo ,we just got a car in that ran over a box spring http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=box%20spring&psj=1&bav=on.2,or.r_gc.r_pw.r_qf.,cf.osb&biw=1280&bih=806&wrapid=tlif133067116407710&um=1&ie=UTF-8&tbm=isch&source=og&sa=N&tab=wi&ei=V25QT93YA6rZiALj4IW2Bg  ,took out the whole RF of the car,I'll see if I can get pics linked .

 

[Kimbo]

... and that Google link worked perfectly from home - so it must be the way that the work PCs are built - box spring/inner spring kind of the same thing, so I'll look forward to the pics.

[VolksDragen]

I would hate to be the poor sap that had to cut all that metal entanglement off 

[Kimbo]

Yeah, if it was just the metal springs it would be too bad - angle grinder on, and away we go, BUT, with all that fluff and stuffing, there's be a lot of burning and smoldering and smoke and .... yeah, not a nice job

[Kimbo]

Not exactly a joke, but looking back it's a bit laughable - and this actually happened to me, yesterday.....

I'd had an old Nokia cell phone for something around 5-6 years, solid as a rock - only stopped working when the battery exploded. So, when this happened, 2 months ago, work gave me a new phone - iPhone4 - coz of the dust and crud that's everywhere when I go racing, I went out a bought one of those mil-spec drop proof, dust proof, splash proof, neoprene covers for it. It made the whole thing a bit too chunky to easily fit in my pocket, but I put up with it coz I knew it was pretty much safe from everything that could be thrown at it - I was looking after the company assets in a very responsible manner!

So, yesterday I was outside the office, having a break, when a guy stumbled on the sidewalk and banged into me. My iPhone slipped from my grasp and descended towards to ground - it's OK I thought, the cover will protect it when it hits the sidewalk.

Mmm, well, not so - sure the cover broke its fall, but it then turned into one of those super bouncy ball things, bounced it's way across the sidewalk, off the kerb, assumed a perfectly upright position, and slipped neatly through the grill covering a storm drain and submerged into 1 and half metres of curdy, smelly, sh*ty water, never to be seen again.

All I could do was just stand with my mouth open as it bounced and disappeared from sight - when I finally "came to" the other guy, and another woman were also standing there mouths open in amazement - the grill on the storm drain is barely wide enough to fit a finger in, yet this bl**dy phone didn't even touch the sides as it went though. If you'd actually tried to do it, you'd still be there weeks later, it would never happen

Called the local council and they came out to have a look, but it had gone - we've had uncommonly heavy rain (for this time of year) over the past few weeks - normally these drains are fairly dry with just a trickle at the bottom - on this occasion it was a raging torrent.

"Boss, y'know that new phone you gave me in January? Well, a funny thing happened on the way to the office...."

[buggyman]

 

... and that Google link worked perfectly from home - so it must be the way that the work PCs are built - box spring/inner spring kind of the same thing, so I'll look forward to the pics.

Accch!,no chance for pics Kimbo ,car's already at the body shop.I did have a chance to take a peek at it yesterday while it was on the lift.
Box springs are basicly an open top wooden crate like:

filled with fluffy stuff & springs .
A mattress like:

is just the fluffy stuff & springs .
It was the wood that did this one in,bent the whole RF & RR axle assemblies,took out the front lower valance(spoiler) & everything in between including the whole lower 1/2 of the core support:

radiator,A/C condensor,turbo intercooler & associated pipes & hoses:

(not just "These three parts" )
& the lower frame covers which protect(ed ) the fuel lines.
The mechanical parts only estimate of damage came to ~$7800.00 ,now gotta add in the body-based damage which'll probably total it .
Looks pretty good sittin' on the ground but looks like ~10 shotgun blasts from below ,subtle but severe damage.

 

[Rick G]

That is just another reason why the sleep number bed is superior! No springs to get caught in the undercarraige of cars if you accidentally drop the mattress on the highway.

[Rick G]

And this just in from facebook

[Rick G]

One of my Canadian buddies sent me this.  She is running for office up there and getting a lot of unwanted attention, the local radio stations are having a lot of fun at her expense.

[Kimbo]

LOL - I think the driver of that rig needs to put some cheerleader style tassels on those hub caps - chrome is just soooo boring on it's own

[Rick G]

Here is one for those of you with a smart phone