Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference" in the world.
It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on challenges that would make many of us wither. Harold Schlumberg is such a person.

QUOTE FROM HAROLD

I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired?'
Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background and one
of the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and vodka into urine.
I do it every day and I really enjoy it.

Harold should be an inspiration to us all.

[VolksDragen]

 

[VolksDragen]

Another one of my Demented creations...

[TabiCatz]

Another one of my Demented creations...

Wow, you must really know my mom! Nascar is her FAVORITE thing in the world. She'd rather give me up than to miss a race

[Don]

Here is the short version of a joke my Father told me.

A Sargent Major told a young lady he had not had sex since 1955.
She said that he needed some and she that she was willing.
She then told him after that he had not forgotten much in all that time.

He said, Hell it's only 2130 now.

[Rick G]

Two guys talking at a bar.

 First Man: " I didn't sleep with my wife until after we got married, How about you?"

Other Man: "I'm not sure, what's her maiden name?"

[Don]

Giggle

[VolksDragen]

Giggle

HEY EVERYBODY DON'S BACK!!   

[Don]

Giggle

HEY EVERYBODY DON'S BACK!!   

lol

[VIN]

yay for Don

[Don]

yay for Don

I was not coming back until you got rid of that avatar.
But that one has kept you out of trouble

[VIN]

Touché
And I know you really like the rainbows

[Scottie]

This year we celebrate the anniversary of the invention of the CONDOM!

It was invented circa 1410 somewhere in the Arab nations by using the intestines of sheep!

Latter it was refine by FIRST removing it from the sheep!

[Kimbo]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

[Kimbo]

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation.
 
After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!"

The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the Brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money.
 
The redhead stepped up and said, "I think I'm the most talented of us three", and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands.

Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.

[Joe Chirco]

Hey everyone the heck with Don being back how about Joes here. Anyone have a stroke.

[Kimbo]

Joe who ?

[Rick G]

Hey everyone the heck with Don being back how about Joes here. Anyone have a stroke.

We thought that was just Don hijacking your account again like the time he did that and gave all forum members 75% off and free shipping.

[Kimbo]

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.' The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

[Rick G]

Anyone else find it ironic that Congress would punish folks for lying to them...when it is in fact their profession? Just askin'

[Kimbo]

A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man, who had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods, the Bagpiper got lost and, being a typical man, didn't stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

He felt badly and apologised to the men for being late, but went to the side of the grave and looked down and the coffin lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. The Bagpiper played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. he played like never before for this homeless man. And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, the piper wept... they all wept together. When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Kimbo]

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
 
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh*t he always was.'

[VolksDragen]

Who can relate to this?

[Kimbo]

It was week before Anzac Day in Oz.

The Headmistress of a remote outback school had the bright idea to have a war veteran address her class on the experiences he/she had during WWII. So she visited the local pub and casually asked the patrons if there were any War Veterans present and if they would consider doing a short presentation to the pupils of her school.

Although there were a lot of people of the appropriate age, only one gentleman came forward and said he would be pleased to address the children on the requested subject.
So, the deal was done and in due course the a fore mentioned veteran fronted up at the school house.

He felt very proud and humbled to address these youngsters about a very important event in history.

He described in detail of the horrors of the landings in Europe with constant enemy fire but they gradually crawled to relative safety above the beach landing. Then, he said, waves and waves of Fokkers were flying over them dropping horrible bombs on the troops.
Wave and waves of these terrible Fokkers he said!
Waves and waves of FOKKERS!

Some of the more savvy students were starting to giggle at the word Fokkers.
In an attempt to control their uncouth behaviour, the Headmistress said,

"Boys and girls, the Fokker is a type of enemy aircraft".

The veteran immediately replied,

"Oh no Maam, these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"

[VolksDragen]

Yavol to that