Joke of the day

[Don]

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an
important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he
said,
"Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to
Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and
said,
"Never mind, I found one."

[Don]

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man
he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go
to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when
you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a
group together to go right now."

[Don]

[Don]

Proof that global warming exists

[Don]

Tech support: Click on the

[buggdude]

Tech support:

[Joe Chirco]

I'm going to pee on my key board since Don won't buy me a cool computer.

[lemorris]

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL -- PRICELESS

According to a news report, a certain school in Garden City, MI was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the washroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls +would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. He called all the girls to the washroom and met them there with the maintenance man. He explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, he asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet bowl, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

THE MORAL OF THIS STORY...
There are teachers, and then there are Educators.

HAVE A GREAT DAY!

[Don]

ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

[corrosion]

A train hits a busload of catholic school girls and they all perish.
They all wind up in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first girl, "Karen, have you ever had any contact
with a Schlong?"

She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."

St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip of your  finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate."

St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Karina have you ever had any contact with a Schlong?"
 
The girl is a little reluctant but replies,
"Well once I fondled and stroked one."

St. Peter says "OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and  pass through the gate."

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When
she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says "Sharon! What seems to be the rush?"

The girl replies "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Mandy sticks her ass in it!"

 

[buggdude]

 

[corrosion]

Ghost Sex
 
A professor at Texas University was giving a lecture of the supernatural.
 
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe  in ghosts?"
 
 
 
 
About 90 students raise their hands.
 
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts,
 
do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
 
About 40 students raise their hands.
 
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
 
 
 
 
 
 About 15 students raise their hand.
 
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
 
3 students raise their hands.
 
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any  of you ever made love to a ghost?"
 
Way in the back, Don raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years  I've been giving this lecture,  no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've
 
got to come  up here and tell us about your experience."
 
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to
 
make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room,
 
the professor asks, "So,Don, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
 
   
 
Don replied, "Shiiiit! From way back there I thought you said "Goats."

[corrosion]

Joke for the day, "Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey. St. Peter said, "Blondes," and he banished her to hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts. St. Peter said, "Booboo," and he banished her to hell.

The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me." She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.

St. Peter said, Verrrrry good."Then the blonde continued, "Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder, and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.

St Peter fainted.

[corrosion]

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Walmart with her
two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the
entrance.

She's dressed in dirty jeans, a greasy t-shirt with holes in it and
wearing flip-flops exposing her cracked and filthy toenails. When she
yells at the kids, she exposes her yellowed, crooked teeth with more than a
few missing.

The Walmart greeter says, 'Good morning and welcome to Walmart. Nice
children you've got there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't!
The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the Hell would you
think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?'

 'No', replies the greeter, 'I just couldn't believe you got laid
 twice.'

[Don]

Leave my ex-wife alone

[VIN]

Cough Syrup
> >>
> >>The pharmacist walks into the store to find a  guy leaning heavily against a wall. He asks the blonde clerk,
> "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

> >>The blonde clerk responds, "Well, he came in here  this morning to get
> >>something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

> >>The pharmacist yells, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

> >>The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to cough.

[Don]

Dealing with your wife in retirement

 

     It  is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder  for them to maintain the same quality of house-keeping as  when they were younger. 
 
    When you notice this, try not to yell at  them.  Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an  oversensitive woman.

    My name is Terry.  Let  me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Dian.  When I  retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Dian to get a full-time job  along with her part-time job, both for extraincome and for the health  benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started working, I noticed  she was beginning to show her age. 

     I usually get home from the  golf club about the same time she gets home from  work.  Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest  for half an hour or so before she starts dinner.  I don't yell  at her, instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets  dinner on the table. 
 
    I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the  club so eating out is not reasonable.  I'm ready for some home-cooked  grub when I hit that door.  She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished  eating.  But now it's not unusual for them to sit on  the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by  diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't  clean themselves.  I know she really appreciates this, as it  does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to  bed.

    Another symptom of aging is  complaining.  For example she will say that it is difficult for  her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.  But,  boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer  encouragement.  I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.  That way  she won't have to rush so much.  I also remind her that missing lunch  completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I  mean).  I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

     When doing simple jobs, she  seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to  take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.  I  try not to make a scene.  I'm a fair man.  I her to fix herself a nice, big,  cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a  while.  And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one  for me too.

     I know that I probably look  like a saint in the way I support Dian.   I'm not saying that showing  this much consideration is easy.  Many men will find it  difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating  women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if you just use a  little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this  article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.  After  all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

 Terry Smith (retired) 

 EDITOR'S  NOTE:

     Terry died suddenly  on January 27 of a perforated rectum.  The police report  says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II  golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely five inches of  grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Dian was arrested  and charged with murder. 
 
    The all-woman took only 15 minutes  to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Terry somehow, without  looking, accidentally sat down on his golf
 club.

[Don]

CALMNESS IN OUR LIVES

I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives.
By following simple advice heard on the Dr. Phil show, you too can find inner peace.  Dr. Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started and have never finished."  So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates.  You have no idea how freaking good I feel.  Please pass this on to those whom you think might be in need of inner peace

[hiro]

LOL

[Don]

A young lady goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs.  The sign
says,
  "SEX FROGS!
Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions! "

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the young man behind the counter, "I'll take one of
them."

The man packages the frog and says, "Just follow the instructions."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she grabs the
instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what the
instructions say:

  1. Take a shower.
  2. Splash on some nice perfume.
  3. Slip into a very sexy nightie.
  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you.
  5. Allow the frog to follow its training.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her dismay, nothing
happens!  The girl is very disappointed and quite upset. She grabs the
instructions and rereads them and then notices at the bottom of the page,
in small print, it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please
call the pet store."

So, she calls the pet store. The same young man is still at work. When he
hears her problem, he says, "I'll be right over"

Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The young lady welcomes
him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions.
The damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, "Now you listen to me! I'm only going to show
you how to do this ONE more time..."

[Don]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,wearing an oxygen mask over
his mouth and
nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A
young, student nurse
appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to
wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she
overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his Schlong in one hand and his testicles in the
other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......



A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[Don]

They walk among us..........
>>
>>          I was at the checkout of a K-Mart. The clerk rang up
>>          $46.64 charge. I gave her a fifty dollar bill. She
>>           gave me back $46.64. I gave it back to her and told
>>          her that she had made a mistake in MY favor and gave
>>          her the money back. She became indignant and informed
>>         me she was educated and knew what she was doing, and
>>          returned the money again. I gave her the money back
>>          again...same scenario! I departed the store with the
>>          $46.64.
>>
>>           

[Scottie]

Just some fun STUFF....

[corrosion]

An extremely drunk man stands up to leave a bar and falls flat on his face.

   "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," the man mutters as he crawls outside.

He tries to stand up again, but falls face - first into the mud.

   "Ah, screw it," the drunk groans.  "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning his wife finds him asleep on their doorstep.

   "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she says.

   "Uh, yeah," he says.  "How'd you guess?"

   "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[corrosion]

Thought for the day !!

            Handle every situation like a dog.
           

            If you can't Eat it or Screw it.

               
             Piss on it and Walk Away.