Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

What's wrong with this picture ?

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

 

[Mykul]

OMG!

[buggyman]

 

 
 

[Kimbo]

As you may, or may not be aware Australia got it's first female Prime Minister last week, Julia Gillard, after K-Rudd was kicked out of office by his own party:

[VolksDragen]

Kimbo, so this is how American cars are converted to right hand drive?  No wonder why you all drive so crazy (Trying to see your speedometer and use the turn indicator)  
And where is the OSHA mandated belt Guard? One's nipple could get caught in the pulley!

[VolksDragen]

New seat belt law now in affect, saves countless lives

[VolksDragen]

OUCH!

[Rick G]

I was delivering pizzas in my bug today. One customer commented "You don't see one those every day". I smiled and said "I do"

[bmarx]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
 
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
 
He slams the door and returns to bed.
 
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
 
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
 
"Did you help him?" she asks.
 

 "No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?  I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.
 
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.


He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.


"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.


"Where are you?" asks the husband.


"Over here on the swing set," replied the drunk.

[VolksDragen]

Bmarx.

Funny and clean at the same time    (they dont make those anymore)

[VolksDragen]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place…

ATTORNEY:  What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you?
WITNESS:     My name is Susan!
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____


ATTORNEY:  What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:     Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
  
ATTORNEY:  Are you sexually active?
WITNESS:     No , I just lie there.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY:  This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS:     I forget..
ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY:  Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS:  Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________ _________ _________ ______

ATTORNEY:  The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he?
WITNESS:      He's 20 , much like your IQ.
____________ _________ _________ _________ ____

ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS:     Are you shitting me?
____________ _________ _________ _________ __

ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS:     Getting laid
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  She had three children , right?
WITNESS:     Yes.
ATTORNEY:  How many were boys?
WITNESS:    None.
ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls?
WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS:     By death..
ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS:     Take a guess.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____

ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________ _________ _________ _______

ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS:     All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS:     Oral...
____________ _________ _________ _________ __
ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS:     If not , he was by the time I finished.
____________ _________ _________ _________ _____
ATTORNEY:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS:     Are you qualified to ask that question?
____________ _________ _________ ________
ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS:     No..
ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS:     No.
ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[TabiCatz]

OMG, Those were the funniest testimonies I've ever read! I knew people were dumb!!!

[buggyman]

 
Isn't using a phone while driving nowadays considered illegal?

 

[Rick G]

My son just told us this one while we were eating at Romanos today. He said it was nominated for the best joke of 2010.

"Two women were sitting quietly minding their own business"


My wife didn't get it!

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

 

[TabiCatz]

Isn't using a phone while driving nowadays considered illegal?

 

I saw this picture while looking at a craigslist ad looking for a Jeep for my boyfriend. How ironic!

[Kimbo]

An Arab student sends an e-mail to his dad, saying:

Dear Dad,

Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB, when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train.

Your son, Nasser.

The next day, Nasser gets a reply to his e-mail from his dad:

My dear loving son,

Twenty million US Dollar has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Dad

[Kimbo]

..

[Kimbo]

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous b*tch, you'd realize
I was talking to the sheep."

[Kimbo]

Wiremu, a New Zealander, was in Australia to watch the upcoming Tri Nations Test and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
 
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey"
 
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
 
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Tri Nations Test just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.
 
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
 
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
 
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your b*lls."
 
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie b*stards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"

[buggyman]

 
Just a thought

"I went to the general store, but I couldn’t find anything specific!”
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=steven%20wright%20comedian&gbv=2&ie=UTF-8&sa=N&tab=iw

Aside from that:
If I were to open up 30 windows & log onto the Chirco forum for 1 minute in each window would I get get 30 minutes of Chirco forum login time in just 1 minute?
 

[VolksDragen]

We had a big airport fire crash truck in the shop the other day, I thought everyone would get a kick out of these Graphic warning labels 

[Rick G]

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"

[VolksDragen]

Two ants were walking across a toilet seat..... One got Pi$$ed off