Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

Maybe it's nature's way of telling you that you need a rag top ?

[bmarx]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE 

NICKNAMES
     •     If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
     •     If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat-Boy, Gas-man and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
     •     When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
     •     When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
     •     A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
     •     A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
     •     A man has six items in his bathroom:  toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
     •     The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.  A man would not be able to identify more than 15 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
     •     A woman has the last word in any argument.
     •     Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
     •     A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
     •     A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife..

MARRIAGE
     •     A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
     •     A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
     •     A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
     •     A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
     •     Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
     •     Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
     •     Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
     •     A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE  DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes.  There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor and who can handle it ... and to the men who will enjoy reading it.

[Rick G]

EATING OUT
     •     When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50.  None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
     •     When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

You would not believe how true that is unlees you work in food bus. We will get a call in order for six identical sandwiches, and the person that picks them up will have to have six transactions making notes on the amount of change for each one. It drives me nuts.

[TabiCatz]

As a woman, all of that is true. Unfortunately.

[Mike9300]

 


ARGUMENTS
     •     A woman has the last word in any argument.
     •     Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument


Love that one, how true

damm there goes another argument 

[Mykul]

MARRIAGE
     •     A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
     •     A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



Too true!

[TabiCatz]

MARRIAGE
     •     A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
     •     A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



Too true!

I must not be a normal woman, because when I marry the poor schmuck that wants to keep me, I expect him to be the same jerk I started dating who wants to watch football all day. Probably because I'd sit there watching it with him... Hmm. Weird.

[Kimbo]

I must not be a normal woman, because when I marry the poor schmuck that wants to keep me, I expect him to be the same jerk I started dating who wants to watch football all day. Probably because I'd sit there watching it with him... Hmm. Weird.

"I must not be a normal woman" ...... oooh now that's a loaded statement  .

[ncbuggy]

Put the weapon down and step away from the desk, Mam.   

[Rick G]

Kimbo, you are definitely not a normal woman
At least what we here in the States consider normal

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Kimbo, you are definitely not a normal woman
At least what we here in the States consider normal

I was hoping the Aussies were different from their cross-dressing Brit pals.  

Sorry that reply, like many others I've posted was beer induced. 

  Kimbo... You Aussies kick ass!!

[Kimbo]

Kimbo, you are definitely not a normal woman
At least what we here in the States consider normal

I was hoping the Aussies were different from their cross-dressing Brit pals.  

Sorry that reply, like many others I've posted was beer induced. 

  Kimbo... You Aussies kick ass!!

We are, Rob, we spend more time with our legs over our heads, but only when viewed from the other hemisphere

Nothing wrong with beer induced comments

[VolksDragen]

MARRIAGE
     •     A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
     •     A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



Too true!

I must not be a normal woman, because when I marry the poor schmuck that wants to keep me, I expect him to be the same jerk I started dating who wants to watch football all day. Probably because I'd sit there watching it with him... Hmm. Weird.

With that quote out, you are probably going to have an overload of  PM offers for marriage   

[Mike9300]

MARRIAGE
     •     A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
     •     A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



Too true!

I must not be a normal woman, because when I marry the poor schmuck that wants to keep me, I expect him to be the same jerk I started dating who wants to watch football all day. Probably because I'd sit there watching it with him... Hmm. Weird.

With that quote out, you are probably going to have an overload of  PM offers for marriage   

PM sent.......Just kidding!   

[Kimbo]

Once upon a time there were two brothers. One brother was very mischievous,
always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He
was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbors, and led an exemplary
life.

As time went on, the brothers stayed in touch but were never close. The evil
brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer. The other brother was a
devoted husband and father and supported many charities.
 
One day the evil brother died. Then, after a few years, the good brother
passed away. He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy afterlife. One
day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother? He died before me, but I
have not seen him here in heaven."
 
God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life, so he is not
spending eternity here in heaven. He has been sent elsewhere."
 
"I'm sorry to hear that," the good brother replied. "But I do miss him and
wish I could see him again."
 
"You can see him if you wish," God said. "I will give you the power to gaze
into hell."
 
So the power was granted and the good brother gazed into hell. Before long
he saw his brother sitting on a bench. In one arm he held a keg of beer, and
in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.
 
The good brother turned to God and said, "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I
have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful
woman in the other. Surely, hell cannot be that bad."
 
God explained. "Things are not always as they seem.
 
The keg has a hole in it.
 
The blonde doesn't."

[bmarx]

Doh! Yes, that would be hell all right..lol

[Mike9300]

The  Husband  Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , it is where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 -  These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 -  These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 -  These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads...


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE  NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street..

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Omar]

^^^  That's some funny stuff...

[Kimbo]

Now that's a scary picture

[Mike9300]

Todays joke ....... is ......  how little activity is on the site today 


what is everyone doing ?

 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Todays joke ....... is ......  how little activity is on the site today 


what is everyone doing ?

 

We are looking for Don!! 

[TabiCatz]

MARRIAGE
     •     A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
     •     A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



Too true!

I hate to brag, but I get marriage proposals alot. And most of them are sincere too. But who wants to marry a Bi Polar Manic Depressive with mild Schizophrenic episodes? LOL

I must not be a normal woman, because when I marry the poor schmuck that wants to keep me, I expect him to be the same jerk I started dating who wants to watch football all day. Probably because I'd sit there watching it with him... Hmm. Weird.

With that quote out, you are probably going to have an overload of  PM offers for marriage   

PM sent.......Just kidding!   

[Kimbo]

So which rope do I tie up to stop the boat floating away ?

[bmarx]

 A fellow walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there must be
more than ten thousand dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
'What's with the money in the jar?'

'Well......you pay $10 and
if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and
the keys to a brand new Lexus.'

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up.
And so he asks, 'What are the three tests?'

'You must pay first.....
Those are the rules,' says the bartender.

So, after thinking it over a while,
the man gives the bartender the $10
and the bartender drops it into the jar.

'Okay,' the bartender says,
'Here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in a minute or less, and
you can't make a face while doing it.

Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands.
>
Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs
who has never had sex....
You have to take care of that problem!'

The man is stunned.
'I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts
to drink a quart of tequila, and
then do all those other things...'

'Your call,' says the bartender.....
'But, your money stays where it is.'

As time goes on, and
the man has a few more drinks,
he finally says,
'Where's the damn tequila?'

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks...
but he doesn't make a face, and
he did it in fifty-eight seconds!

Next, he staggers out the back door,
where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole.
Soon the people inside the bar hear
growling , biting, and screaming sounds...
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that
the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar,
with his shirt ripped open
and there are scratches and
he's bleeding all over his body.

He says,
'Now where's that old woman
with the bad tooth?'

The moral to the story:
Listen carefully to the directions,
and don't
trust your judgment
when alcohol is involved!

[bmarx]

A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere, parks his bike and walks inside.


As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the bar:

COLD BEER: $2.00
HAMBURGER: $2.25
CHEESEBURGER: $2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $3.50
HAND JOB: $50.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the ole' biker  walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled farmers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old biker.

"Yes?" she inquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"

The old biker leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs "Why yes, yes, I sure am".

The old biker leans closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger