Joke of the day

[dflash]

  Oh man that killed me!!!

[Kimbo]

Comeback lines

No.1

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman, who was being cross-examined by a defence attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility.....

Q:  'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'   
A:   'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks   away.'

Q:   'Officer -- who provided this description?'   
A:   'The officer who responded to the scene.' 

Q:   'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'   
A:   'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q:   'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A:   'Yes sir, we do!'

Q:   'And do you have a locker in the room?'   
A:   'Yes sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A:   'Yes sir.'

Q:   'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' 
A:   'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

[Kimbo]

Comback lines

No. 2

In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked if he thought there was room for  forgiveness toward the people who have harboured and abetted the terrorists who  perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on America.

His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.

The General said, "I believe that forgiving them is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the meeting."

[VolksDragen]

AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. For hight blood pressure sufferers- simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer.
4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you'll be afraid to cough.
6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape, if it doesen't move and should, use WD-40. if it shouldn't move and it does, use the duct tape.
7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical  problem.

Daily thought:
Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to you face when pushed down the stairs.

[VolksDragen]

MILTON-BRADLEY

WAL- MART SEARCH GAME
Fun for the whole family
Ages 4 –Up

This is a game of SPEED, for the whole family to play. Every time you shop at Wal-Mart

How the game works:
Each family member has a ‘Check list’ you start the second you exit your car, go
shopping until getting back to your car (this includes parking lot fun!) ,  the first member to fill out the entire check list is the WINNER!!


Game card check list:

1. Spot 20 people with ‘MULLETS’
2. Family of 4 without teeth.
3. Pit Bull ‘seeing eye’ dog
4. Someone asking ‘where’s yur Charcol and lighter fluid’?
5. 75 year old woman purchasing a carton of cigarettes.
6. A ‘Slim Jim’ wrapper on the floor.
7. Woman with a ‘Beehive’ hairdoo.
8. 97 pack of ‘Bud light’
9. 2 shoppers Fighting over the last bottle of Jack Daniels.
10.  Sold out rack of pampers.
11.  Check to see if Deodorant and toothpaste are on sale.
12.  Cashier’s named Flo – Earl or Junior.
13.  ‘Dale Earnhardt’ shower curtain.
14.  4 year old having a ‘Smoke’ with his daddy.

[TabiCatz]

Game card check list:

1. Spot 20 people with ‘MULLETS’
2. Family of 4 without teeth.
3. Pit Bull ‘seeing eye’ dog
4. Someone asking ‘where’s yur Charcol and lighter fluid’?
5. 75 year old woman purchasing a carton of cigarettes.
6. A ‘Slim Jim’ wrapper on the floor.
7. Woman with a ‘Beehive’ hairdoo.
8. 97 pack of ‘Bud light’
9. 2 shoppers Fighting over the last bottle of Jack Daniels.
10.  Sold out rack of pampers.
11.  Check to see if Deodorant and toothpaste are on sale.
12.  Cashier’s named Flo – Earl or Junior.
13.  ‘Dale Earnhardt’ shower curtain.
14.  4 year old having a ‘Smoke’ with his daddy.

I'm in our local walmart all the time, and seriously, I don't think I've ever seen any of these... But my hometown walmart, oh yes! But it wouldn't be Bud Light... More like Natural Light. 

[Kimbo]

So where does this ..... person..... fit in that list ?

[Rick G]

My wife said she deleted that pic . How did you get it?

[Kimbo]

Where there's a will, there's a way !!

[Kimbo]

.. and maybe someone else should be concerned ??

[TabiCatz]

So where does this ..... person..... fit in that list ?

How did you get that picture of my cousin? He's been in the mental institution for 20 years now!! The better question is, how did he get out?!

[Rick G]

I am beginning to wonder why Kimbo has a collection of such pictures.

[Kimbo]

I am beginning to wonder why Kimbo has a collection of such pictures.

Oh, they just get sent to me, and I store up up. It's a bit like collecting tools, you never know when that "3.25mm left-handed weasel remover" will come in handy, although thinking about it, one of those might be needed to service one of these ?

[VolksDragen]

So where does this ..... person..... fit in that list ?

MILTON BRADLEY Is a family oriented company and does not include such immoral 'Finds' on their game check lists, These finds are under 'Find the Fairy'  ~  'plumbers-crack  &  'Obese cleavage' versions of the game

[Kimbo]

Confessions of a Hooker

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says

'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession. Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.''

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says,

'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years, I cannot hold your past against you, in fact maybe you could show me a few tricks of  the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for England ........  




And for those unfamilair with rugby, and going "Huh ?", a "hooker" is a position on the playing field, like wide receiver, etc. 

[Kimbo]

..

[TabiCatz]

..

Yes! That's how EVERY woman should do it! Unless of course they are under 150lbs, and not overweight (like me!)... Then they aren't scared of the stupid scale.

[Dilligaf]

Always, always get a second opinion!

A man who had been suffering from excruciating headaches for 20 years finally went to see his family doctor about them.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your blinding headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head,

'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'


     


    New suit - $400
    New shirt - $36
    New underwear - $6
    Second Opinion - PRICELESS

 

[Mike9300]

A Jack Daniels Fish Story

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its
mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

[Kimbo]

Treeline Racing is Dead, Long Live Kimbo......

[Kimbo]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate.. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a pee and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago..

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened - you were taking a pee and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[Neil]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas , leading
an old, tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon
in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and
tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some
of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out
of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the
other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey,
old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the
gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance ... never really wanted
to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you
old fool, you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old
man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off,
started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was
laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still
laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the
saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a
double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks
carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing, immediately. The young gunslinger heard
the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was
almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the
old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he
quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No, sir ... but ... I've
always wanted to."



There are a few lessons for us all here:

* Never be arrogant.

* Don't waste ammunition.

* Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

* Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

* Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[VolksDragen]

Everybody loves a Volkswagen 

[Kimbo]

Everybody loves a Volkswagen 

Wow, I realised they were big, I mean come on, everyone's seen Tarzan or been to the zoo, but I never knew they could get that size - that Golf/Rabbit puts it nicely in perspective !!

[VolksDragen]

Everybody loves a Volkswagen 

Wow, I realised they were big, I mean come on, everyone's seen Tarzan or been to the zoo, but I never knew they could get that size - that Golf/Rabbit puts it nicely in perspective !!

Yeah Kimbo, look where his tusk is, He could pierce that right through the roof like a can opener.
Or a be a warm blooded car crusher!