Joke of the day

[Dilligaf]

I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera.  I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.   
 
Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.   
 
Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.



I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.   
 
Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.
   
You can't fix stupid.

[Mike9300]

 

[Kimbo]

 HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD                                     
 AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.                                               
                                                                           
 George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi,was going up 
 to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden   
 shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back  door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were  people in the shed
 stealing things.                                                           
                                                                           
 He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"               
 He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and         
 stealing from me.                                                         
                                                                           
 Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock     
 your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.."           
                                                                           
 George said, "Okay."                                                       
                                                                           
 He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.. 
                                                                           
 "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people     
 stealing things from my shed.. Well, you don't have to worry about them   
 now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them     
 right now." and he hung up.                                               
                                                                           
 Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team,a Helicopter, two Fire   
 Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'           
 residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.                             
                                                                           
 One of the Policemen said to George , "I thought you said that you'd shot 
 them!"                                                                     
 George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"             

Don't mess with old people                                                 

[Kimbo]

Somewhat politically incorrect...

MY DOG                                                                                                               
                                                                                                                       
I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for welfare.  At first the lady said,  Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.  So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, lazy, can t speak English and has no frigging clue who his Daddy is. 

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My Dog gets his first cheque Friday - boy, this is a great country!

[Kimbo]

The Shredder

A young engineer was leaving the office at 3.45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"
"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, ever, assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

[Mike9300]

LOL, I like that one

how about his

A little laughter is good for the soul
Redneck Church
 
   
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
 
2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
 
3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys and two women stand up.
 
4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
 
5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" (Love it!)
 
6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
 
7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
 
8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
 
9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.
 
10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ....
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
 
11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
 
12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.
 
13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
 
14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
 
15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.
 
16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear".
 
God Bless and don't fergit ta say yer prayers!

[Mike9300]

For all you actual, sorta and wanabe engineers ---------
 



Question # 1??:  
How much does a house weigh?

Question # 2??:
How much weight can a rural two-lane bridge hold???

Question # 3??:
WOULD THIS BE COVERED BY
HOME INSURANCE,
CAR INSURANCE
OR DOES IT COME UNDER
ROADSIDE ASSISTANCE???

Y' ALL HAVE A GREAT DAY NOW, YA' HEAR!!!

[Kimbo]

Actually, it's all good - there's a couple of garages to park your boat during periods of high water; you can fish off the back porch, and bungee off the front - at the same time, if you so wish; you have river views to front and rear, with private access to the water; easy connection to sewage; there's no passing traffic; it's not overlooked by other properties.......

It's a pretty neat solution to quite a few problems, so lets not be so negative here folks, think positive. Maybe I should work for Century 21 ?

Location, location, location, step right up folks the bargin of the century, just don't stand too close to the edge.

[TabiCatz]

Actually, it's all good - there's a couple of garages to park your boat during periods of high water; you can fish off the back porch, and bungee off the front - at the same time, if you so wish; you have river views to front and rear, with private access to the water; easy connection to sewage; there's no passing traffic; it's not overlooked by other properties.......

It's a pretty neat solution to quite a few problems, so lets not be so negative here folks, think positive. Maybe I should work for Century 21 ?

Location, location, location, step right up folks the bargin of the century, just don't stand too close to the edge.

Good positive spin on a bad situation! LOL. So, how much is it going for? I got $5!

[Kimbo]

SOLD to the cute little cat with the love hearts !!

[Dilligaf]

The Back Pew
 
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
 
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
 
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.
 
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
 
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
 

[Dilligaf]

  George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 55th wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas.

When they entered the MGM Hotel/Casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly.

George brushed her off.       
                                                                                                                                       
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so
rude"                                                         
                                                                                                                                       
"Harriet, she's a prostitute."                                                                                                       
                                                                                                                                       
 "I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                       
 "Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."                                                                                         
                                                                                                                                       
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to Room 217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom   
with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"                                                                                     
                                                                                                                                       
Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swinging her hips provocatively.                         
                                                                                                                                       
                                                                                                       
 George asked, "How much do you charge?" 
                                                                                           
  "$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services....."                                                                               
                                                                                                                                       
  Even George was taken aback. "$125? I was thinking more in the range of $25."                                                       
                                                                                                                                       
  Bambi laughed derisively. "You must  really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."                                 
                                                                                                                                       
  "Well," said George, "I  guess we can't do business. Goodbye."                                                                       
                                                                                                                                       
  After she left, Harriet came  out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"                                             
                                                                                                                                       
  George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."                                                             
                                                                                                                                       
  At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed  slyly at Harriet, and said,

 "See what you get for $25 bucks?"                                                                                                         

[Dilligaf]

Dear Abby,

I'm an 18 year old girl from Arkansas and I am still a virgin.

Do you think that my brothers are gay??

[Dilligaf]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in  Dublin when
she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
and didn't I marry ye and yer
hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'


The Father asked, 'And be there
any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to  Rome next week
and I'll light a candle for ye
and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father.'
They then parted ways.


Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
ten in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
How is yer loving hoosband doing?'


She replied, 'E's gone to  Rome
to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[Mike9300]

 

[Rick G]

Dilli,

 you must have been saving up.

[Dilligaf]

Hey Rick,

I have had these for a little while, just haven't had the time to post them.  I will have to see what I come up with for next weekend. 

Have a great week everyone.

Dill

[Don]

Language Fail

[67Sedan]

 

[Dilligaf]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs :

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids:

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Dilligaf]

A REDNECK was walking home late at
night and sees a woman in the shadows.
Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides
what the hell, it's=only twenty bucks so they hide in the
bushes.
 
They're 'engaged for a minute when all of a
sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
 
What's going on here, people ? Asks the officer.
I'm making love to my wife! Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
 
'Oh,I'm sorry,' says the cop, I didn't know
 
'Well, neither did I, til ya shined that damn light in her face!'
                            
 

[Dilligaf]

IT'S NOT  TRUE THAT ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATES THIS!   
 

Stay


I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the
Local shopping center and rolled
Down the car windows to make sure my
Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.



She was stretched full-out on the back seat
And I wanted to impress upon her that she must
Remain there.

I walked to the curb backward,
Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,
"Now you stay. Do you hear me?"


"Stay! Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,

Gave me a strange look and said,


 


"Why don't you just put it in Park?"

 

 

[badassdubs]

a woman's grill

[67Sedan]

 

[VIN]