Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

LMFAO - yes, how true, we've got a couple of folks here who would be thinking along the same lines !!

[Kimbo]

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA.
 
August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally found my new home. I love it here.
 
September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.
 
September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.
 
October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.
 
October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.
 
October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat sh*t. I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.
 
October 25 - This wind is a b*st*rd. It feels like a giant f*ckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from Perth.
 
October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Bl00dy $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?
 
November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 30.
 
November 8 - If one more smart ar$e says 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to f*ckin' throttle him. By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet and I smell like baked cat!
 
November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my ar$e was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and butt. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried ar$e and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and f*ckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for two months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn place? Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the bastards!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 degrees today. Now the air conditioner's gone in my car. The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid ar$ehole. Karratha! What kind of sick, demented idiot would want to live here ?

December 1 - WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are f*ckin' kidding!

[Dilligaf]

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs   
and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
 
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally
responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a
very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her
about what would happen if she let them thaw out.
Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to 
the entire cabin,

"Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up... so she
took them home and ate them.


 Two points here:                                                       
                                                                           

 1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.


 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think they are.                           

[buggyman]

 
"Very nice Buggyman, very nice!"
I got that from my 85yr young Ma via Email! .
 

[Rick G]

A woman who had been married three times before, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

The bride to be said: "A long frilly white dress with a veil."


The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, "Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?"

"Well," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

"That one was a Democrat," said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened."

[Mike9300]

 

[Kimbo]

New Zealand Police: Investigation

An Officer stops at a dairy farm outside of Morrinsville New Zealand and talks with the old farmer who's the owner.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect your property for illegally grown marijuana.'

The old Farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The officer verbally explodes saying "Mister, I have the authority of the New Zealand Police with me"!! Pointing to the badge on his chest he proudly says, See this badge!? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, whenever I want to. No questions asked, no answers given. Have I made myself clear!!?? Do you now understand me!!??"

The old farmer nods politely and goes about his chores.

Later, the old guy hears loud screams and spies the deputy running for his life and close behind is the huge breeder bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer.

The officer is clearly sh*tting himself.

The old farmer immediately throws down his pitch fork, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs to the officer.....

"Your badge! Show him your f*cking badge!"

[67Sedan]

 

[badassdubs]

> This is a true story of a Garage Owner in the Southwest. (
> TEXAS)
>
> He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage
> shop to steal tools, etc. So he came up with this idea. He
> put the word out that he had a New Mexican lion that would
> attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence..
> Would-be thieves saw the "lion" from a distance and fled the
> scene.   
>
> I'll give you 5 minutes to stop laughing.

[67Sedan]

 

[Neil]

That's sooooooo f*cked up!! ROFLMAO!!!

[Rick G]

My dog should be glad he has short hair, I might have to get a chow next

[TabiCatz]

My dog should be glad he has short hair, I might have to get a chow next

I have an orange Maine Coon cat. I might do this to him just to screw with people. 18lbs of cat, dressed up as a lion might make people scared... right?

[ncbuggy]

Thats great

[Mike9300]

My dog should be glad he has short hair, I might have to get a chow next

I have an orange Maine Coon cat. I might do this to him just to screw with people. 18lbs of cat, dressed up as a lion might make people scared... right?

my mom and dad have a 27 pound cat (they have him on a diet and now i think 24 pounds  )...the thing is funny looking as can be....need to find a pic to post

[TabiCatz]

My dog should be glad he has short hair, I might have to get a chow next

I have an orange Maine Coon cat. I might do this to him just to screw with people. 18lbs of cat, dressed up as a lion might make people scared... right?

my mom and dad have a 27 pound cat (they have him on a diet and now i think 24 pounds  )...the thing is funny looking as can be....need to find a pic to post

Yes, you must! I have 2 Maines, one is about 18lbs, the other, about 15 (But the 15lber is just a baby... about 6 months old). I love my beasts.

[Kimbo]

A man was dining in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to speak to her. 

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. 

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said as she poped her eye back in place... 

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she said. 

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterward went to the theatre and later had drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.. She listened. 

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. 

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Do you treat every guy you meet this way?' 

'No,' she replied. . . 
.
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(wait for it)
.
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'You just happened to catch my eye.'

[67Sedan]

 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

  Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
                                 WAY TOO COOL!

   Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs..
AWESOME!!!
   Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised.. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best..
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dip-sh!t,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION .. . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room..
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative!
IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling ..
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
P.S... My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[Kimbo]

ROFLMAO 

[TabiCatz]

Oh my! Suddenly I have this desire to go out and buy a tazer.... But I know I'd be the reason they'd enact a law saying tazer abuse is illegal or something. I want to see this in person! Any offers?

[Rick G]

Rob, you got to watch for this kind of thing down there in FL.

http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/megan-mariah-barnes-crashes-car-while-shaving-bikini-area-police-say/19387991

A t-bird could put a hurtin on a bug

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

Rob, you got to watch for this kind of thing down there in FL.

http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/megan-mariah-barnes-crashes-car-while-shaving-bikini-area-police-say/19387991

A t-bird could put a hurtin on a bug

Those wacky Key West people.  Next it will be nipple piercing on a moped. 

[Rick G]

I love the part where she was trimming up on the way to see boyfreind and had ex husbamd holding the wheel. It's nice to see divorced couples getting along so well.

[TabiCatz]

Rob, you got to watch for this kind of thing down there in FL.

http://www.aolnews.com/weird-news/article/megan-mariah-barnes-crashes-car-while-shaving-bikini-area-police-say/19387991

A t-bird could put a hurtin on a bug

Those wacky Key West people.  Next it will be nipple piercing on a moped. 

What the....? How stupid can people get? *bangs head against desk* I think nipple piercing on a moped would be SAFER!