Joke of the day

[Kimbo]

Damn, you beat me to it Rick, got that myself yesterday (Mon) but didn't get chance to post it, so was going to do it today....

[Rick G]

Advice from Sven & Ole:


Limit all US politicians to two terms.

One in office
One in prison
Illinois already does this.

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
 
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
 
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[andeez01]

A long time deacon of a church is hospitalized and not doing well. The pastor of the church goes to visit him.

When he arrives he kneels and next to his bed and tells him, "friend I want to pray for you" He begins to pray for him and after several minutes the man gets restless, tries to speak and then motions for something to write on.

The pastor finds something and he begins write. As he writes he begins to struggle and hands the paper to the pastor and collapses. The pastor tucks the paper into his suit jacket as he gets help. The deacon passed away.

3 days later at the funeral the pastor is eulogizing the deacon. As he finishes he remembers the paper and says, "and now I will read to you the last words this great man of God ever said.

He pulls the paper from his pocket and reads,
"Pastor BACK UP!!! Your knee is on my oxygen hose!"

[Dilligaf]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
> to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane
> prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
> 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary
> plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that
> would be super.'
>
> On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather
> Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over
> those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main
> man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
>
> She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess
> and I take orders from no one.'
>
> To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
>
> 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
> Tray-up, B!tch'

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

LMFAO!!!  Good one dil!!!

[Kimbo]

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station, when he       
 noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders     
 hung off the sides, and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.       
                                                                           
 The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.                               
                                                                           
 The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.                         
                                                                           
 The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.'That sure is a nice     
 fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.'                       
                                                                           
 Thanks,' the girl replied.The firefighter looked a little closer.         
 The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's           
 testicles.                                                                 
                                                                           
 'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to   
 run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I 
 think you could go faster.                                                 
                                                                           
 The little girl replied thoughtful, 'You're probably right, but then I     
 wouldn't have a siren.'

[Don]

Good one

[VIN]

IF I GOT THIS RIGHT

CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR
CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL BE DETAINED INDEFINITELY
CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL GET SHOT.
CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL BE JAILED
CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL NEVER BE HEARD
FROM AGAIN.
CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL BE BRANDED A
SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU'LL BE THROWN INTO
POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT

IF YOU CROSS THE U.S. BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET
A JOB
A DRIVERS LICENSE
SOCIAL SECURITY CARD
WELFARE
FOOD STAMPS
CREDIT CARDS
SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE
FREE EDUCATION
FREE HEALTH CARE
A LOBBYIST IN WASHINGTON
BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE
THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY'S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU
DON'T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.

 

[Rick G]

And soon be allowed to vote as well. Yep, you pretty much got it.

[Rick G]

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.  The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but his heart is still beating."
"Oh, dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped against her cheeks with shock.  "We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"

 

[Neil]

Now THAT was funny!!!!

[Rick G]

New term I found on facebook today:

vajazzling


I didn't invent it, don't shoot the messenger.

[VIN]

How about some pics of a vagazzle

[Rick G]

How about some pics of a vagazzle

I could not find any, but I'm thinking a good Saturday night starts with a bottle of tequila, a bowl of rhinestones and some super glue, or for the more adventurous a hot glue gun.

[VIN]

Ouch...

[Dilligaf]

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears.

He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[Rob 57 Oval (Talon)]

 

[Dilligaf]

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
 
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
 
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
 
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN' , he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

"Life is short.

Drink the good wine first"

[Rick G]

Old but still appropriate and funny:

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00.
BUT  When The postal authorities received the letter to God , USA , they decided to send it to the President
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little
boy a $ 5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you
note to God, which read: 
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington D.C. and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes.

[Kimbo]

The sun is beating down, and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.....

On this particular day a rich tourist from  Sydney is driving through town. He stops at the motel and lays a $100 note on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.

As soon as the man walks upstairs, the owner grabs the $100 and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmer's Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit.

The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the rich Traveler will not suspect anything.

At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the RUDD Government is conducting business today.

[Rick G]

ROFLMA We have a similar plan here where nobody can hang onto a dollar, except the debts don't go away they just get larger.

[buggyman]

 
Hope this touches you the way it touched me!

GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.
If he stopped, she stopped.
Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said that you'd be paying for her things, too."


Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker. Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
 

[Dilligaf]

Very nice Buggyman, very nice!

[Dilligaf]

During a recent company password audit, it was found that a blond secretary was using the following password:

 

 "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

 

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told her password had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.